For those that value the knowledge of wisdom gained from the experiences of life,I envite you to read some essays -In the poems & writings forum.Moonkitten
PLEASE....Take the time to read, my blog about my son`s death, after a drunk driver took his life "The time of death is". Read it to your children. Make copies,-I don`t mind.Problem is no one is concerned about the people left behind when a life is taken.It never ends...the holidays, the birthdays, mother`s day. Chritmas,etc. Remind your kids, at graduation, have fun, if you must, but think before you drink (if they will, or do). Be subtle, but be clear. This can happen to you, & your family. It wasn`t easy, being a single parent, dealing with a death -my own flesh & blood. And the young man that killed him is still free to drink & drive some more!!!!Blessings & safe passages, for all.- moonkitten. PS. there are several memory poems, attached to "Blanket of Snow",as it is a journal of mine.
You can`t be "completed" by someone.That depicts a wrong need to use someone, for the happiness that you should have,yourself,in your own skin.The completness is within yourself. You shouldn`t have to depend on anyone,just to make you feel like a whole person. You only have to be enhanced by whom you love -marriage or not. Love between two people,is like a color in the rainbow...the emotions clearly stated, even in the most intimate of moments, between you both,makes everything brighter. And everything around you, outside,& within, becomes more vivid. There is understanding, without words, with somebody`s language that turns your legs to jello.... Butterflies, that just looking deeply into one`s eyes, that you know is like a magnet, a spark,when you`re touched. The breathlessness of that first kiss,that brings a connection that you can`t deny. The buzz words, that only the two of you know, are used over & over...That final feling that you know someone was meant for just you,that you can`t spend a minute,without thinking of the other...communicating becomes a constant. The repetition of "I love you", becomes the only words you can remember,all of a sudden...Then, you start to question: Is he or she the "One" -to have & to hold,for always? -to be with, each day of your lives? -is it really a "forever thing"? -an infatuation, or do you just want a fling? Sometimes there is not just one answer,& you go with what your gut tells you. -And then, there`s the heart!!! It can`t speak, but it can tell you a lot...Your feelings become emotions that are both jumbled & clear,& you begin to sort them out.-You deny the feelings,& then bring them into view. And everything doesn`t seem balanced.....That`s when you do hear your heart, & feel the beats,that have quickened,& the body feels more desire. You want to share your actual life with this person. And the balance becomes evident toward clarity...Now, there is no denial. Your heart is heavier,& abundantly free to give & receive. You are in love!!!! Note,that this was written on 3/18/09. 1st copy rights by author-Nessie Gray
When your children are young and impetuous~Nurture them within God`s boundries,not yours.~Pray for them,anyway....The world`s influence,seems to possess them~Through God`s strength,you have power.~Pray for them anyway....Parents can`t win every argument with their children~discuss it with them;pride can get in the way.~Pray for them anyway.....Stay in touch with their feelings and emotions~Be compasionate,if they lose their faith in themselves.~Pray for them anyway....If they stray,and you think they`re in trouble~Stay firm,show them there are better paths.~Pray for them anyway......When they become independent,but they`re not ready to be~Encourage.Don`t hinder their growth.~Pray for them anyway.....If they talk a language you don`t understand~Find some middle ground to communicate.~Pray for them anyway.....Some children grow up too quickly,not needing you.~Give them their space,respect what maturity they have.~Pray for them anyway.....If they are ready to leave the nest,as adults~Respect them as unique individuals.~Pray for them anyway.....When they take advantage,and there isn`t a spouse~Remind them you are still a family,love them.~But always, pray for them anyway....And never give up!
I have to admit,looking in the mirror,at 80 whole yrs.that I`ve been here,& wonder,as most of us women,sooner or later, kind of turn into our mothers.
Boy,did she use her charm,-Yeah,at every turn,(to her advantage)!! At the butchers,she`d curse at the government.But,at each holiday,she sang "God Bless America" the loudest of anyone...Never mind that she entered the U.S.A.at 16,couldn`t speak English,but found work, sewing clothing,in New York.Met a man, & married him. Had a child, but the husband died.
At the time they had moved to Detroit,Michigan.Her husband`s cousin was available,& she had an eye for him.She said one thing,& he told us another...She hid his coat,on a cold winter`s day-then married him.(need I say more)?
While I was one of five,Pa never said much, because she was the dominent one-got things done,though he`d never admit it.If there was a chance for money-there she was,no matter how little.
During the prohibition,a lot of people were inspired to make liquor,of some kind.The bottles were hid under beds,& other places.Ma got her way,threatening Pa with a broom to eradicate the booze,if things did`nt go her way.
Usually,not because she wanted her way,but because she was savy,& he had the devil may care attitude,that didn`t amount to much, but at least had a good work ethic.
Ma,also had boarders,& she chose the ones with good jobs,get them drinking,dancing,flipping quarters,nichols & dimes under my feet,while I danced,to the accordion they played,& they had some joy,during dark days,before the great depression.
I noticed that ,so much later,when they came to our new house.She`d tell them it was my birthday. She`s poke them with her elbow, c*ck her head in my direction & say, "give here something, it`s her birthday".them wink at them...and at the age of 5-10,how many birthdays could a little kid have?-
!Twenty dollars was a lot,but it was immediately snached out of my hand, while she said "You too young"..
..Then,meals were always made for neighbors, when there was a death or celebration in someone`s family,-she had heart, too. But after a conversation she had with the mayor, she`d only deal with the top-brass...she had trees removed,& didn`t need the leaves.Imagine,taking all that trouble to rake leaves(that weren`t hers,to the neigbor`s front yard,because they belonged to them)& they should clean them up....again!!!!!
She was diligent in every decision,she made. That was Ma.I copied the diligence,but I`m afraid that the deception was a little too much.God love her..just before she passed on,her words to us,(& all can remember):"just love each other".
Man invents himself,good or bad.Within society he cannot predict the end result of his future gains or losses.Hopefully his upbringing and his lifelong experiences will help his productivity.He also has to deal with his own obstacles and the consequence of his choices.Some of us choose to work on inner peace,& some have a devil-may-care attitude.-Which makes life easier? Some may choose to self-distruct,and wonder why they fail.All the species of the earth are both needy and resilient,gaining knowledge from only past mistakes,instead of thinking out an adverse effect.We need support and encouragement.To be loved,nurtured,and valued,or we lose whatever we gain.But we can survive,if one can constuct,not destruct......There is always room for change in wisdom and knowledge. Still some of us don`t learn the meaning of what adversity teaches.We stay out of touch with what is important,what`s respectful,& what love for mankind means.Don`t choose to be out of view,everyone is important and has the God-given right to be counted.Spread the word around:You have value.
In this day of brokeness,because of the economy,& people hurting-if you think hard enough,you can still be thankful for a lot."-("with prayer & thanksgiving") For replenishing my confidence,when I`ve failed,& you are my rock I can lean on.~For the times I`ve sinned & in you grace & mercy,I was redeemed & forgiven.~For the justice of your commandments I must live by,because ours don`t always work.~For the provision of humility,when pride overtakes me & you are there to chastize me.~For the forsight to help someone in need,to give us a purpose to be better.~For the ever present guidance when I need direction for everyday problems-you are there.~For the tools & the keys of survival,in a too fast world,that you provide.~For the hand I cling to,when I need leverage to stay afloat,& I tend to be confused.~For the times nothing seems clear,& I look to you to guide me out of a foggy maze.~For the mistakes made,& you are there to pick up the pieces,like a puzzle,& make it a masterpiece!~For the the mending of my heart & the clarity of mind when I feel broken.~For the anchor & the jolt of reality that shows me that I`m not always right right,& you are.~For the quickening of simple truths in a questionable world,& your promise is the Word that saves me.~For the silence & peace of mind when I can ask for your nurturing knowledge.~For the calming meditation when I pray & sorrow or loneliness becomes your burden,not mine.~For the things I don`t deserve,but still get,according to your will,& as you see fit.~For the times only you can understand,when family & friends can`t love unconditionally.~For making rain out of my tears,when sadness won`t seem to go away.~ For every rainbow & the warmth of sunshine,after the storms of life have finally passed away.~For all those overwhelming things,my journey in life seems lighter,only because of your love & grace for me.THANK YOU,Rev.Ness Gray. (Feel free to add your own
thank yous,as I`m sure you`ll be able to feel humble & think of more,in the comments).
Please let me know,that you feel, what`s deep within my heart.~When the day begins-mold me and use me to do things right.~Stand beside me,when I make decisions-let it be your way,from the start.~Let me feel the comfort of your loving arms-hold me tight.~And according to your word-clear my mind and help me plan each new day.~Touch me tenderly,guide me in the direction you`ve chosen for me.~When I get muddled-let me be still,so I can hear what you say.Be with me,when I lose hope,and my eyes are clouded with tears,when I can`t see.~If there`s a crisis that may arise-you promised to lift me up.~Help me to let go,when my burdens are too heavy,and I can`t cope when there`s no strenghth of my own.~Remind me that you are present-so I can drink of the living water in your loving cup.~Then,I`ll remember to praise you for the grace you give me,and I`ll know I am not alone.Amen
There was darkness that surrounded my vision.-Still you promised to be there,to light my way.You gave me hope-a new way to have a mission.Please forgive me for the times I didn`t trust you.Yes,Lord-you unfailing love was always there.-Nevertheless.....Turmoil caused my life to constantly fall apart.Never did I think to ask for your help and guidance.But-there you were,to enter into the depths of my heart.I should have asked you to stay, and be my savior.No,Lord-I wasn`t worthy,but you were patient.-Nevertheless.....You sent angels to protect me,in that day,when I was young and my feet were on sinful soil.Even then,there wasn`t anything anyone could say.And yet,you answered prayers I didn`t even utter.Thank you,Lord-that you claimed me as your child.-Nevertheless......I neglected the meaning of your word,written long ago.But you set forth,on gossamer wings,and came down to me.Then,you touched my heart,and dwelled within, to set it aglow.Your everlasting love never ceases.-Nevertheless.......And when sorrow abounded,and my son died,you sent a beautiful hymn to comfort and sooth me,a golden cord for me,alone, to sing -but instead,I just cried.There wasn`t any doubt,you meant to bring me closer to you.You were my comfort,Lord-you said you`d never leave me.-Nevertheless......Even when I was troubled,and sometimes couldn`t fall asleep -I wasn`t aware of your presence,not did I seek to find you.But still,you cared and sought me-like one lost sheep.Then,a peace fell over me that was beyond my comprehention,I was blessed,Lord-You brought me back to your flock.-Nevertheless.....I know you`ll be with me at the close of each new day,if ever I`m in the midst of misgiving or judgement-I`ll just start anew-to ask forgiveness,for losing my way.-And once again,your love will fill my soul with joy.What`s more-your amazing grace will be sufficient enough for me.-Nevertheless.
I had only just been divoced,and trying really hard to recouperate from a 17 yr.abusive marriage.I finally got settled in my house,couldn`t get my ex to pay child support,he thought it would force me to go back to him.I had been looking for work,but I didn`t have a car.My neigbor,got a job downtown,for me,with her,and said I could depend on her to ride downtown with her,Whew!! I felt independend,at last....Then...I heard the doorbell ring.....There was Pa,looking very forlorn,& sad.Behind him,on my small porch lay his huge trunk."Vell,daughter,I`m here ,now-to help you!! I leave Ma,dat vuman.Oye!!! She gotet big mout....I move in vit you"..."That`s it,you`re moving in with me-just like that????You just left her!!!!"NO,NO- I tell her I moving in vit you". -"Oh,I see,as long as you told her".What could I say-just leave him on the porch...He went on and on."You need man in the house".Yeah,sure -I need a man;All I could think,was, my dad had left,and I knew how my mother was ,so dominating,no one could ever get a word in.But my dad was 71.yrs old.What was he thinking?! Well,I kicked my daughter out of her room,put a rollaway bed in mine,& that was that.Two weeks later,Pa went walking around,& decided I needed a car.He paid someone $350. for something with a deficient,ill-fitting wheel arm.Which at every stop sign,the car would make a left turn by itself,even if I was going right."Thank you,Pa"...Goot,you no have to valk!!! Yeah,Pa-yeah...After all the yelling he`d do about raising my kids,my sister`s mother in law came to visit,with my sister and her husband.He got into his politics,and the mother-in-law got into it with Pa.Oh, MY God!!!I finally went to my room,excusing myself,after i heard her tell him to"shut up,preacher".I finally appeared in the living room,thinking everyone left,but found the pair making out -on my sofa!!!!!My sister was outside,smoking."PA!PA!!!WHAT ARE YOU DOING"????? I felt like pulling my hair out."I sorry,she goot lookink,you know"?!! '"Yeah,but-this is not right...Ma is already not talking to me".",Aw,she crazy voman anyvay"!!"I know,I know".(Believe it or not,I find that hard,too).During the night,(and I heard nothing),my Dad moved out and went to live with that woman.But it only lasted for two weeks.In one month`s time,he had moved back home with Ma.He thought the grass was greener,on the other side of the fence,but what men don`t seem to realize,is,that it still has to be mowed.Pa died of cancer,a year later.I tried to find a lesson in this ,too.But.I`m still at a loss-always trying my best to be an obedient,loving,understading,`(confused) daughter.-whaddya gonna do??
There were feelings that were private and some that I could have shared-But I`ll embrace them anyway,because I loved you and I really cared.~Then I remember,you`re gone-and I miss you .....I`ve observed your absence objectively,and stared into an empty space-and looking at a picture,I even traced the outline of your famliar face.My emotions have no particular direction~I just miss you.......Rummaging through various things I`ve saved in a drawer of a kind.never looking for anything special,not knowing what I may find:there on a piece of clothing that you`ve worn,there lingers a scent of cologne,It reminds me that I` will always wonder why I have felt so alone.~I can`t help,but miss you. You can`t share my life,alive and well-My celebrations of birthdays and holidays every year,will pass me by.I will never quell the search of your spirit,with no explaination,or why.-It`s lonely without you, my dear son~We all miss you.......There`s an empty feeling in my heart,that comes upon me,for no reason.An irreplaceable piece of life`s puzzle that was lost in it`s season.~Somehow,I wish you could know,how much I`ve missed you.........One day,I`ll manage to put those memories to rest.-But for now,I reserve the right to choose the ones that I`ve loved the best.~Simply because,I can`t help loving you,and will always miss you.
Lovingly,MOM
It was Friday,the 13th,the day before Valentine`s Day.My son,John was having a debate where to go to take his girl friend on a date.To a party?No-,since it was too late they`d go out for a pizza,in town.It was sleeting outside.Before John left,he said "Mom,looking ,over his shoulder,I`ve been in an accident twice on on Friday the 13th".(It made me wonder).Little did I know,those were his last words to me.I couldn`t sleep, feeling antsy,& thinking of the weather.John wasn`t home at 4:00AM....I got up,& made coffee.5:10,there was a knock at the door.My son,David,was there."Get dressed,Ma.There`s been an accident.Johnny was hurt.It`s serious".I began to shake....I didn`t have a car,then.My son brought me to University Hospital- Approaching the hospital,it was a cold looking building.The doctors immediately met us,& told us my son was in I.C.U.On a gerney.My son had blood all over his face.Why didn`t they clean him up?He was unconcious.He suddenly sat right up,but it was only a reflexbut in a coma.David started to curse at him,thinking he was drunk,& to blame,for the accident.-"Please,David we don`t know that"I said....The doctor said,his brain was injured.The accident occured at 2:25AM.THe police told us a drunk driver,in an 88 Olds,hit his girl friend`s car-a red convertable,only 1/4 of a mile from where we lived.He was coming home from the date.When the doctor told me he had a 50/50 chance of surviving.I shot back at him,as long as there`s life,there`s hope.John was in the hospital for 6 days, never awaking.They operated on his head ,releasing fluids from his head,but I knew that that had to be done in the golden hours,no more than two,not the next day.His jaw was broken.I knoticed his tongue ,even in an aparent coma,working a loose tooth.Thursday,the 18th,in the morning,so many people sleeping all over,I was tired & weary.I had to get his girl friend,also in a wheelchair,with a cracked pelvis,& facial injuries, out of the room,telling the nurse to say they she needed to change the bedding.I was finally alone with my son, his jaw broken,& tubing in his head.I slipped my arm under his head,& lay my head on his heart, beating now, only because of life support,& constant noises of a brain scanning machine."Oh,Johnny, you must be hurting.If you can`t come back to us,it`s ok.I think your`re hanging on because you`re worried about us.But ,if you can`t hang on any more,we`ll be ok".Then,after being so ridged,his body seemed to get limp,I felt his spirit leave his body.I experienced this before,working in the medical field.I had someone perform the last rights for him.There were about 30 friends & family around,spilling into the hall.The nurses were crying.He was only 23,just beginning his life....Pastor Marv,being close to me all the while,& prayed with us, had to be alone,because he was upset.Johnny was so young.That afternoon, the doctor approached me,I knew the scan would show he was brain dead.They took him away, his organs would be used,but it was too late.I told David I couldn`t watch him take his last breath,& the life support was disconnected.I wanted to tell John the accident didn`t happen Friday the 13th- he wouldn`t hear me.It was Valentine`s Day,Feb.14,1987.His beloved Cindy placed a rose over his heart,in the wooden coffin we chose( because he made furniture out of wood,even a large cabinet,bringing it home on Mother`s day).He was buried on the 19th.under a Blanket of Snow.A mother usually wants to protect her children-I couldn`t do that anymore.The thought came to me-He`ll be so cold,but it didn`t matter anymore.
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