THE BLONDE’S LAST RIDE?
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5' 4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven…”
I had a chuckle or two over this:
A student approached a Zen master and asked, “What happens after we die?”
The master answered, “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” exclaimed the student. “But you are a Zen master!”
“That may be true,” the master said, “but I’m not a dead one.”
--------------------------------------------------------------
SILLY NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
A list of (apparently genuine) Newspaper Headline bloopers. No source available
1.Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
2.Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
4.Drunk gets nine months in violin case
5.Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
6.Farmer Bill dies in house
7.British left waffles on Falkland Islands
8.Lung cancer in women mushrooms
9.Teacher strikes idle kids
10. Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
11. Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66 (golf game)
12. Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
13. Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
14. Stolen painting found by tree
15. Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
16. War dims hope for peace
17. Nine tenths of mass of universe found in Canberra
18. Red tape holds up bridge
19. Deer kill 17,000
20. Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
21. Man struck by lightning faces battery charges
22. New study of obesity looks for larger test group
23. Kids make nutritious snacks
24. Man minus ear waives hearing
25. Include your children when baking cookies
Virus WARNING...coming sooner or later! ?
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970!!!
SYMPTOMS:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. DONE THAT!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! THAT TOO!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person ... YEP!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it
to you. AHA!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. WELL DARN!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. OH, NO
NOT AGAIN!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND…" AND I JUST
HATE THAT!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." OH NO!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm … Have I already sent this to you, or did you send it to me?
If you are over 50 it could happen to any of us... This is so funny; I hope you enjoy it.
$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the Senior Citizen Discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind! "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the Purple Beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no Purple Beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal Toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say "Ginkgo Biloba" I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: HUNGER! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it wasn't anywhere in sight.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in Youth and Black Nail Polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And "NO", I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too). Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
WALKING THE DOG
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses!
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.....
Have a great day and remember....
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!
.
A farmer was giving his wife last-minute intructions before going into town on business. He said, "That fellow will be along this afternoon to impregnate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the correct stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife understood, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the inseminator arrived, and the wife, who knew virtually nothing about farming, dutifully led him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the cow right here," she said.
"What's the nail for?" asked the inseminator.
She shrugged and replied: "I guess it's to hang up your pants."
Let's hope it works this time, doggone it!
<object style="height: 390px; width: 640px"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/xdj67XknFrM?version=3"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/xdj67XknFrM?version=3" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" width="640" height="360"></object>
On another blog, a guy "put himself up 4 Sale". So it got me thinking, if it were possible to put yourself up for sale, what would your advertisement say?
"Free to good home. Girl next door/long haired princess type preferred. Litter box trained. Will cook and clean for you. Not rich, but love is more important, anyway. Let's get together and see what we can cook up."
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday..”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activitie s and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!”
“Heck,” said Herman, “It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!”
** Adult Truths ***
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. People who forward e- mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.
25. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.
Enjoy life!!!
HuggerMan4U Blog (85)