I like to look back or 'Sometimes I like to look forward'

I like to look back at my own comments on other members' stories.
This site has changed somewhat since covid lock down when we were all told to stay home and stay inside.
to me it was no different. Except for wearing a mask my life changed not one bit with regards to me leaving the house. My biggest regret is not witnessing the TP grab. I saw it on TV but seeing it in person would have been to die for. So sad I missed it. Just before Xmas I got sick. At first I thought it the flu and wasn't even slightly worried even though I'd never had a flu jab. But I was getting on. Still am if truth be told. None of us are getting physically younger. Some mentally but everyone of us physically; something my Cardiologist seemed intent on making me hear. Thing is he wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know, if he was going for the shock tell me your worries about dying. He is a Doctor. It is what I'd do, if I were a doctor. But I'm not. I just know my own body having lived it second by second, minute by minute year after, so far, for more than 63 years. Besides, the way I figure it, one second you are alive and the next you are dead. Dying hurts and I would only wish a slow death on my enemies, preferably over several hundred life times but I've been known to have a nasty inventive side. I once cursed someone who did me a great injustice; I wished he would live forever and never physically die. Unless you think about it, it doesn't even look anything like what we are taught mean is. Most curse people dead knowing that is the worst thing that can happen to a person. I don't believe in the one life religious line. Yes, this specific particular body I inhabit is unique in that unless it is perfectly cloned, this body only lives once. Never once have I argued that. Never once also, have I ever imagined what happens based upon what religion or TV and movies tell me to believe and in doing so accept.
How would they know?
They wouldn't and they don't.
Not that I could tell you not that you'd believe me. Just like I would not believe you unless it matched identically with what I've seen with my own two eyes. I learned at a very, very early age that everyone I had met or encountered up until that point, was lying to me. It effected me so much I decided it would be something I would learn how to do. 38 years later I started to write. I discovered I could easily lie in print or tell the absolute truth and no one would ever know the difference.
I like writing. I am so glad I found this hobby.
Anyway, that's it for now. Not this body for now, not that I really care; just this blurb. I am pretty sure of one thing, when I'm dead i will think no more on this temporary transport vehicle and either look forward to the next one or decide to just take a deep sleep before finding a new one. I also don't believe the afterlife has gates to keep you out. You know what gates are also good for? Keeping you in. I told that to my Sunday School teachers when they started lying to me. Sorry, i mean when I worked out that they were lying to me, Not one of them had physically 'eye to eye' seen God. Or Jesus. My problem back then, I Believed that what they were telling me was true. I then realized my parents had lied to me too. Then and there I decided the only way I was going to fit in this insane asylum, I would need to learn to lie or simply look away from the truth.
I found out I was shit at both... so in my terms, I've lived a pretty good life. I added somethings to my Nature and chose not to add others. All in all, my Cardiologist, if you all no longer exist in my mind a second after my light switches off, how will I know? JS, no point in worrying about it. I won't know, and unless someone who knows me tells you, you also won't know.
Maybe i should have titled this 'Sometimes I like to look forward' ? Never did say why I like to read my prior comments. Oh well, 94 letters left. Too late now. Maybe later, maybe never. I won't care if you don't. W.