Running for the hills!!!!

I am breathless!!! My head swarms and I spiral into oblivion...once again! My mind races and I look around me. Its going fast........sooo achingly fast! I can't keep up! I am desperate and inside my head I am screaming loudly than anything else that breathes on this earth. But its silent to rest of the waking world and no one hears a thing...not even a wince.

Yet........one would not believe it whilst reading all this........I am not moving! I haven't been moving for what feels like an eternity! Whilst feeling all this rush around me......inside me...........I have been just sitting down! Still.....hearing as my breath fills the silence around me. And as snippets of my desperation come to mind......I start panting! Panting hard! The adrenaline of panic is unbearable.

As some might enjoy the sadistic after-effects of the unknown and of travelling into the dark, with no sense of direction.....the adventure of it all......the lack of control in my life over the past few years, has been an agony only few can understand.

I wonder if those around me, ever feel like they don't know where they are headed. I see women my age.....some accomplished career masters, others are accomplished wives, some others are doting mothers, many many others are all three combines. Few more are innovative people (contributing to change and focused on their destination, with a clear path mapped out), hundred and maybe more others have it all figured out. I appreciate that in their own individual intimacy, they all cradle their constraints and demons and fears and they constantly face them and move on. They all walk through their dark places every now and then. So its comforting for a while........to know that you are not alone in similar waters.

So that is when I wonder, why or if there are some of us that feel these dark places, differently than all the rest.

Is it because they harbour a more sensitive soul than the rest?

Is it because they are destined for something bigger than they can imagine and yet, they are stuck in perpetual re-runs until their destiny comes finally knocking on their door?

Is it because, for some colossal mistake, their life script has been swapped or mislaid and are thus stuck with living a life in ways or places to which they don't belong?

Is it because they own something that differentiates them from the rest of the world?

Being different has never been easy. History holds so many endless examples of such a thing. If being different in your heart and soul, makes you unique and special, then maybe its because you are meant for greatness. Or maybe not! Maybe one is just working him or herself up to something which is only the result of one's imagination. Maybe its just normal life which one is destined for. Maybe its the lack of resignation from one's self that makes it all so consuming.

I wake up each morning, feeling like I am living a life that is not mine. I feel like it should contain more........different. I love my land, I love my family, I love my friends, I love how lucky my life is overall. But I often fear that this is not enough. How selfish is that, right?! So many in this world would kill for at least one out of the four that I mentioned. And yet, it feels its not enough! Maybe there is a valid reason. Maybe having all four of those does not add up when you feel like there is something higher than that, that should be a part of your life.

Writing all this kind of eases the burden a bit. Though I know that what goes on inside me in moments like these, comes along with outbursts of good highs and bad lows. Picking myself up and dragging myself along towards a better place, is what I constantly do and frankly, it often feels like its getting too old to carry forward. For how long is one supposed to feel like a Gypsy in his own life?!