Coming on way to strong? (40)
have to say you all give fantastic advice if yea dont mind me saying think there should be a Dear Singles forum lol Ill be comming here for advice in the future for sure. Have to say your all great enjoyed the reading can relate to it and i agree with your answers
I have been in a situation like this before (without the kids)and personally this is what I think.
First off, a fella that says that after only a small amount of meeting comparatively I would be wary of. He might be the nicest fella in the world but you only truly get to know someone over a course of time and as time goes on their "small" characteristics become prominent.
Second he should realize that your kids come first, that he has no place in trying to make you choose him over them (in a perfect world there should be no competition)
Thirdly (bad as this sounds) I do not believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust, infatuation, chemistry and attraction and from this I believe love comes. So I reckon that he is confusing one emotion for another.
He does sound kinda needy and wanting which is nice but he needs to control it and himself.
Looking back on what happened to me I wish I did the following.
Sat the girl down and explained that I do like her a lot and do want her to have a place in my life she cannot instantly become the only part of it. That I do like her a lot and the time we spend together but that I have other things in my life and the best relationships involve compromise, respect and trust. That we should take things slow and see how we get on.
In your situation I would add that while jealously can often be taken as a compliment sometimes it is unwarranted and unnecessary, especially when it comes to kids.
Anyway lastly, best of luck and dont forget to follow you head as well as your heart. And from the fact you posted this thread I think you have doubts about both already.
Honestly though best of luck and i hope everything works out for you and fair play for looking for advice (hoped mine helped, please ignore if it didnt)
First off, a fella that says that after only a small amount of meeting comparatively I would be wary of. He might be the nicest fella in the world but you only truly get to know someone over a course of time and as time goes on their "small" characteristics become prominent.
Second he should realize that your kids come first, that he has no place in trying to make you choose him over them (in a perfect world there should be no competition)
Thirdly (bad as this sounds) I do not believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust, infatuation, chemistry and attraction and from this I believe love comes. So I reckon that he is confusing one emotion for another.
He does sound kinda needy and wanting which is nice but he needs to control it and himself.
Looking back on what happened to me I wish I did the following.
Sat the girl down and explained that I do like her a lot and do want her to have a place in my life she cannot instantly become the only part of it. That I do like her a lot and the time we spend together but that I have other things in my life and the best relationships involve compromise, respect and trust. That we should take things slow and see how we get on.
In your situation I would add that while jealously can often be taken as a compliment sometimes it is unwarranted and unnecessary, especially when it comes to kids.
Anyway lastly, best of luck and dont forget to follow you head as well as your heart. And from the fact you posted this thread I think you have doubts about both already.
Honestly though best of luck and i hope everything works out for you and fair play for looking for advice (hoped mine helped, please ignore if it didnt)
In response to: Hello y'all.....it has been a while since I was on here but decided to pop back and pick your brains for some advice.
I have been in a relationship with a guy for near on 2 months now, we live in separate counties and don't get to see each other much .... the odd weekend here and there and some over nights now and again.
We get on brilliantly which is great BUT the thing is he has declared his love for me already and says I'm 100% the one for him he knows that for sure ... yet I nowhere nearly feel the same for him. He has shown some jealousy if I decide to stay at home when my kids are away and don't go up to him(ie so I can see my friends etc) if he can't get time off work to come and see me. He also wants to move down here because he says he loves being near the sea etc and see each other more......
I don't want to break the guys heart or burst his bubble he is very nice polite charming and an all round nice person ... yet how do I tell him to back off without it seeming like I want to just call the whole thing off? I am useless at these kinds of situations and would welcome some advice please.....
He is also keen for me to let him stay here in my place when my kids are here(ie if he is off and able to visit yet its my weekend to have my children) and I have so far refused to even introduce him to them as my friend as i'm not comfortable for them to meet yet.....
has anyone ever experienced anything similar?? Or if you did what would you do??Thanks all B xx
I have been in a relationship with a guy for near on 2 months now, we live in separate counties and don't get to see each other much .... the odd weekend here and there and some over nights now and again.
We get on brilliantly which is great BUT the thing is he has declared his love for me already and says I'm 100% the one for him he knows that for sure ... yet I nowhere nearly feel the same for him. He has shown some jealousy if I decide to stay at home when my kids are away and don't go up to him(ie so I can see my friends etc) if he can't get time off work to come and see me. He also wants to move down here because he says he loves being near the sea etc and see each other more......
I don't want to break the guys heart or burst his bubble he is very nice polite charming and an all round nice person ... yet how do I tell him to back off without it seeming like I want to just call the whole thing off? I am useless at these kinds of situations and would welcome some advice please.....
He is also keen for me to let him stay here in my place when my kids are here(ie if he is off and able to visit yet its my weekend to have my children) and I have so far refused to even introduce him to them as my friend as i'm not comfortable for them to meet yet.....
has anyone ever experienced anything similar?? Or if you did what would you do??Thanks all B xx
kelkels: I have been in a situation like this before (without the kids)and personally this is what I think.
First off, a fella that says that after only a small amount of meeting comparatively I would be wary of. He might be the nicest fella in the world but you only truly get to know someone over a course of time and as time goes on their "small" characteristics become prominent.
Second he should realize that your kids come first, that he has no place in trying to make you choose him over them (in a perfect world there should be no competition)
Thirdly (bad as this sounds) I do not believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust, infatuation, chemistry and attraction and from this I believe love comes. So I reckon that he is confusing one emotion for another.
He does sound kinda needy and wanting which is nice but he needs to control it and himself.
Looking back on what happened to me I wish I did the following.
Sat the girl down and explained that I do like her a lot and do want her to have a place in my life she cannot instantly become the only part of it. That I do like her a lot and the time we spend together but that I have other things in my life and the best relationships involve compromise, respect and trust. That we should take things slow and see how we get on.
In your situation I would add that while jealously can often be taken as a compliment sometimes it is unwarranted and unnecessary, especially when it comes to kids.
Anyway lastly, best of luck and dont forget to follow you head as well as your heart. And from the fact you posted this thread I think you have doubts about both already.
Honestly though best of luck and i hope everything works out for you and fair play for looking for advice (hoped mine helped, please ignore if it didnt)
First off, a fella that says that after only a small amount of meeting comparatively I would be wary of. He might be the nicest fella in the world but you only truly get to know someone over a course of time and as time goes on their "small" characteristics become prominent.
Second he should realize that your kids come first, that he has no place in trying to make you choose him over them (in a perfect world there should be no competition)
Thirdly (bad as this sounds) I do not believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust, infatuation, chemistry and attraction and from this I believe love comes. So I reckon that he is confusing one emotion for another.
He does sound kinda needy and wanting which is nice but he needs to control it and himself.
Looking back on what happened to me I wish I did the following.
Sat the girl down and explained that I do like her a lot and do want her to have a place in my life she cannot instantly become the only part of it. That I do like her a lot and the time we spend together but that I have other things in my life and the best relationships involve compromise, respect and trust. That we should take things slow and see how we get on.
In your situation I would add that while jealously can often be taken as a compliment sometimes it is unwarranted and unnecessary, especially when it comes to kids.
Anyway lastly, best of luck and dont forget to follow you head as well as your heart. And from the fact you posted this thread I think you have doubts about both already.
Honestly though best of luck and i hope everything works out for you and fair play for looking for advice (hoped mine helped, please ignore if it didnt)
Spot on.
IMHOYou folks are giving brilliant advice! 
Sorry for chuckling for all the advice to set him down and TALK to him... you see I am at the present reading a most interesting book called Why men don't listen and women can't read maps by Allan & Barbara Pease.
Actually, setting him down and making him to ONLY listen is the best way so that he will really hear what you are saying. (New knowledge gained from the book
)
Sorry for chuckling for all the advice to set him down and TALK to him... you see I am at the present reading a most interesting book called Why men don't listen and women can't read maps by Allan & Barbara Pease.
Actually, setting him down and making him to ONLY listen is the best way so that he will really hear what you are saying. (New knowledge gained from the book
)
Thanks for the good advice everyone I must say that I read all of your responses a few times over the past 24 hours whilst muddling through all this in my mind.....as well as talking to him on the phone quite a few times since then also.
I have explained that I need to take things at a much slower pace than has been happening and that I wouldn't be able to see him as much as he likes because he doesn't drive and I have children but if he was happy to just give me some space and bear with me that we could see where things went.
In theory he accepted that, yet within a few hours had been on the phone asking me to try get my kids minded for the night over the weekend so he can come down and see me even though he knows my daughter is making her communion this weekend and its going to be special for her and spending time with the family etc....
I think I have come to the conclusion that its too one sided and he is quite needy which isn't something that I can deal with at the moment and thus have reached a conclusion that I need to not persue this relationship
Thanks for the opinions and feedback though guys and gals
B x
I have explained that I need to take things at a much slower pace than has been happening and that I wouldn't be able to see him as much as he likes because he doesn't drive and I have children but if he was happy to just give me some space and bear with me that we could see where things went.
In theory he accepted that, yet within a few hours had been on the phone asking me to try get my kids minded for the night over the weekend so he can come down and see me even though he knows my daughter is making her communion this weekend and its going to be special for her and spending time with the family etc....
I think I have come to the conclusion that its too one sided and he is quite needy which isn't something that I can deal with at the moment and thus have reached a conclusion that I need to not persue this relationship
Thanks for the opinions and feedback though guys and gals
B x
well if he that insensitive i think you made right decision
SereneGreen: Thanks for the good advice everyone I must say that I read all of your responses a few times over the past 24 hours whilst muddling through all this in my mind.....as well as talking to him on the phone quite a few times since then also.
I have explained that I need to take things at a much slower pace than has been happening and that I wouldn't be able to see him as much as he likes because he doesn't drive and I have children but if he was happy to just give me some space and bear with me that we could see where things went.
In theory he accepted that, yet within a few hours had been on the phone asking me to try get my kids minded for the night over the weekend so he can come down and see me even though he knows my daughter is making her communion this weekend and its going to be special for her and spending time with the family etc....
I think I have come to the conclusion that its too one sided and he is quite needy which isn't something that I can deal with at the moment and thus have reached a conclusion that I need to not persue this relationship
Thanks for the opinions and feedback though guys and gals
B x
I have explained that I need to take things at a much slower pace than has been happening and that I wouldn't be able to see him as much as he likes because he doesn't drive and I have children but if he was happy to just give me some space and bear with me that we could see where things went.
In theory he accepted that, yet within a few hours had been on the phone asking me to try get my kids minded for the night over the weekend so he can come down and see me even though he knows my daughter is making her communion this weekend and its going to be special for her and spending time with the family etc....
I think I have come to the conclusion that its too one sided and he is quite needy which isn't something that I can deal with at the moment and thus have reached a conclusion that I need to not persue this relationship
Thanks for the opinions and feedback though guys and gals
B x
I think you knew yourself what was going on but sadly he doesn't seem to be listening. Good luck hon?
Godsgift: I think you knew yourself what was going on but sadly he doesn't seem to be listening. Good luck hon?
You are probably right but you know yourself its always good to get someone objective to give their opinion as I had kind of thought that maybe I did find this a good reason to jump ship/let it sabotage the relationship as I was scared because this is my first relationship in nearly two years ..... but in reality I was doubting my own instincts and just needed to figure that out!
Thanks hun .. now I just have to tell him this
That's the part that I really hate.....
You'll be grand and I'll give you the advice I was given as it seemed to work.
Now you've made the decision, don't deviate from it. He is going to say lots of things to make you change youre mind. Let him say his piece and don't interupt him. Focus on doing what you have decided to do and that is finishing the relationship. He may get emotional and angry trying to save face. He may even cry and plead with you.
ON NO ACCOUNT GET EMOTIONAL BACK WITH HIM. Don't get angry. Don't even argue with him and do not insult him. Your decision has nothing to do with him. Decide what you need to say for your own good and say it.
You are not responsible for his emotional state and I garuantee that if you do the right thing for yourself here, you will have no fear or embarrassment if you ever meet him again. It's all about being pro active in your own life as opposed to reacting to emotional triggers. Decide what is the correct path for you and take it regardless of anyone else.
But you will be fine. It's the indecision and doing other people's thinking that gives us sleepless nights.
Now you've made the decision, don't deviate from it. He is going to say lots of things to make you change youre mind. Let him say his piece and don't interupt him. Focus on doing what you have decided to do and that is finishing the relationship. He may get emotional and angry trying to save face. He may even cry and plead with you.
ON NO ACCOUNT GET EMOTIONAL BACK WITH HIM. Don't get angry. Don't even argue with him and do not insult him. Your decision has nothing to do with him. Decide what you need to say for your own good and say it.
You are not responsible for his emotional state and I garuantee that if you do the right thing for yourself here, you will have no fear or embarrassment if you ever meet him again. It's all about being pro active in your own life as opposed to reacting to emotional triggers. Decide what is the correct path for you and take it regardless of anyone else.
But you will be fine. It's the indecision and doing other people's thinking that gives us sleepless nights.
Godsgift: You'll be grand and I'll give you the advice I was given as it seemed to work.
Now you've made the decision, don't deviate from it. He is going to say lots of things to make you change youre mind. Let him say his piece and don't interupt him. Focus on doing what you have decided to do and that is finishing the relationship. He may get emotional and angry trying to save face. He may even cry and plead with you.
ON NO ACCOUNT GET EMOTIONAL BACK WITH HIM. Don't get angry. Don't even argue with him and do not insult him. Your decision has nothing to do with him. Decide what you need to say for your own good and say it.
You are not responsible for his emotional state and I garuantee that if you do the right thing for yourself here, you will have no fear or embarrassment if you ever meet him again. It's all about being pro active in your own life as opposed to reacting to emotional triggers. Decide what is the correct path for you and take it regardless of anyone else.
But you will be fine. It's the indecision and doing other people's thinking that gives us sleepless nights.
GG you have given some wonderful well worded advice. Now you've made the decision, don't deviate from it. He is going to say lots of things to make you change youre mind. Let him say his piece and don't interupt him. Focus on doing what you have decided to do and that is finishing the relationship. He may get emotional and angry trying to save face. He may even cry and plead with you.
ON NO ACCOUNT GET EMOTIONAL BACK WITH HIM. Don't get angry. Don't even argue with him and do not insult him. Your decision has nothing to do with him. Decide what you need to say for your own good and say it.
You are not responsible for his emotional state and I garuantee that if you do the right thing for yourself here, you will have no fear or embarrassment if you ever meet him again. It's all about being pro active in your own life as opposed to reacting to emotional triggers. Decide what is the correct path for you and take it regardless of anyone else.
But you will be fine. It's the indecision and doing other people's thinking that gives us sleepless nights.
FriendlyFeline: GG you have given some wonderful well worded advice.
Well he is GodsGift after all. Still you have to wonder with the state of the world today if God isn't kinda losing it a bit. I don't know what age he is but he must be getting up there.
howlingwolf: Well he is GodsGift after all. Still you have to wonder with the state of the world today if God isn't kinda losing it a bit. I don't know what age he is but he must be getting up there.
Careful. My ole head will swell. I'll need 2 hours meditation tomorrow to deflate my ego now!
LucyLee: Good advice, but unfortunatley we are impulsive creatures and not a lot goes according to plan
Sometimes we have to rise above our own emotion and take control of our lives. It's hard but the rewards are great. I've learned that if you don't master your emotions, they will master you!
Or if you want to be biblical about it:
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
Godsgift: You'll be grand and I'll give you the advice I was given as it seemed to work.
Now you've made the decision, don't deviate from it. He is going to say lots of things to make you change youre mind. Let him say his piece and don't interupt him. Focus on doing what you have decided to do and that is finishing the relationship. He may get emotional and angry trying to save face. He may even cry and plead with you.
ON NO ACCOUNT GET EMOTIONAL BACK WITH HIM. Don't get angry. Don't even argue with him and do not insult him. Your decision has nothing to do with him. Decide what you need to say for your own good and say it.
You are not responsible for his emotional state and I garuantee that if you do the right thing for yourself here, you will have no fear or embarrassment if you ever meet him again. It's all about being pro active in your own life as opposed to reacting to emotional triggers. Decide what is the correct path for you and take it regardless of anyone else.
But you will be fine. It's the indecision and doing other people's thinking that gives us sleepless nights.
Now you've made the decision, don't deviate from it. He is going to say lots of things to make you change youre mind. Let him say his piece and don't interupt him. Focus on doing what you have decided to do and that is finishing the relationship. He may get emotional and angry trying to save face. He may even cry and plead with you.
ON NO ACCOUNT GET EMOTIONAL BACK WITH HIM. Don't get angry. Don't even argue with him and do not insult him. Your decision has nothing to do with him. Decide what you need to say for your own good and say it.
You are not responsible for his emotional state and I garuantee that if you do the right thing for yourself here, you will have no fear or embarrassment if you ever meet him again. It's all about being pro active in your own life as opposed to reacting to emotional triggers. Decide what is the correct path for you and take it regardless of anyone else.
But you will be fine. It's the indecision and doing other people's thinking that gives us sleepless nights.
GG, you definitely have more than just hair in/on your head!
*bows deeply in respect*
Godsgift: You'll be grand and I'll give you the advice I was given as it seemed to work.
Now you've made the decision, don't deviate from it. He is going to say lots of things to make you change youre mind. Let him say his piece and don't interupt him. Focus on doing what you have decided to do and that is finishing the relationship. He may get emotional and angry trying to save face. He may even cry and plead with you.
ON NO ACCOUNT GET EMOTIONAL BACK WITH HIM. Don't get angry. Don't even argue with him and do not insult him. Your decision has nothing to do with him. Decide what you need to say for your own good and say it.
You are not responsible for his emotional state and I garuantee that if you do the right thing for yourself here, you will have no fear or embarrassment if you ever meet him again. It's all about being pro active in your own life as opposed to reacting to emotional triggers. Decide what is the correct path for you and take it regardless of anyone else.
But you will be fine. It's the indecision and doing other people's thinking that gives us sleepless nights.
Now you've made the decision, don't deviate from it. He is going to say lots of things to make you change youre mind. Let him say his piece and don't interupt him. Focus on doing what you have decided to do and that is finishing the relationship. He may get emotional and angry trying to save face. He may even cry and plead with you.
ON NO ACCOUNT GET EMOTIONAL BACK WITH HIM. Don't get angry. Don't even argue with him and do not insult him. Your decision has nothing to do with him. Decide what you need to say for your own good and say it.
You are not responsible for his emotional state and I garuantee that if you do the right thing for yourself here, you will have no fear or embarrassment if you ever meet him again. It's all about being pro active in your own life as opposed to reacting to emotional triggers. Decide what is the correct path for you and take it regardless of anyone else.
But you will be fine. It's the indecision and doing other people's thinking that gives us sleepless nights.
Hiya hun just wanted to say your advice was soo spot on ... I did finish things with him, kinda took a breather but of course we got back together a few days later and boy do i regret it now! Imagine my surprise to see him tagged on a fb picture doing things with someone in a night club in his hometown only last week and the other person bragging about it!!
So he got his FINAL marching orders the other day .... Just wanted to say THANKS reading back over the post now your advice was eerily accurate! I obviously wasn't receptive enough to his needs
SereneGreen: Hiya hun just wanted to say your advice was soo spot on ... I did finish things with him, kinda took a breather but of course we got back together a few days later and boy do i regret it now! Imagine my surprise to see him tagged on a fb picture doing things with someone in a night club in his hometown only last week and the other person bragging about it!!
So he got his FINAL marching orders the other day .... Just wanted to say THANKS reading back over the post now your advice was eerily accurate! I obviously wasn't receptive enough to his needs
So he got his FINAL marching orders the other day .... Just wanted to say THANKS reading back over the post now your advice was eerily accurate! I obviously wasn't receptive enough to his needs
Ah you'll be grand once you've had time to lick your wounds and you'll come out of this a lot stronger wondering what you ever saw in him.I used to be a master manipulator myself.
It takes time to end a relationship the same way it takes time to build one.But you went back in with a new pair of glasses and saw exactly what was going on and took responsibility so well done.
Life is too short to accept second best so better no relationship than a bad one. You have enough inside of you to be happy and content on your own till a good one comes along.
Now if you're looking for a quickie in the interim....
That noise was my integrity and credibility leaving the room!
Godsgift: Ah you'll be grand once you've had time to lick your wounds and you'll come out of this a lot stronger wondering what you ever saw in him.I used to be a master manipulator myself.
It takes time to end a relationship the same way it takes time to build one.But you went back in with a new pair of glasses and saw exactly what was going on and took responsibility so well done.
Life is too short to accept second best so better no relationship than a bad one. You have enough inside of you to be happy and content on your own till a good one comes along.
Now if you're looking for a quickie in the interim....
That noise was my integrity and credibility leaving the room!
It takes time to end a relationship the same way it takes time to build one.But you went back in with a new pair of glasses and saw exactly what was going on and took responsibility so well done.
Life is too short to accept second best so better no relationship than a bad one. You have enough inside of you to be happy and content on your own till a good one comes along.
Now if you're looking for a quickie in the interim....
That noise was my integrity and credibility leaving the room!
Yes hun I will chalk it down to experience and learn from it and move on, funny how i feel a little sad about the whole situation today, I guess that's to be expected, but also a little relieved that there is no more drama
I hate drama and like to keep my life nice n simple so I will take pleasure in that!A quickie
now that's just teasing Cheers
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My best guess here is that he's been hurt at some point in the past (who hasn't) and it's left him a bit needy and a bit lonely. I also think if he had started going out with someone different two moths ago, he would be in the exact same situation. He needs to belong. He's looking to be part of something, anything to save him being left alone. He sees you as a solution and when he sees that threatened he gets jealous and aggressive. He will want some form of control over your life to make himself feel secure because he has no control over his own.It's like buying a new pair of shoes. They look great on the outside but you long fgor the day when there's no effort or pain in wearing them and they are no longer an issue.You will be astonished how quickly he will do this. He needs the outside world to see him as being settled. Incidentally, he will justify this position by claiming to be selfless, a new man and acting primarily in the interests of you and your familly. Trust me, I've played the part and there were pleanty women out there who were quite content for me to do it.
Now what do you do?
1. Ask yourself honestly if the relationship has a future. Will it improve your life or leave you feeling trapped. Ask yourself too, if it's yourself that's a bit afraid of committment and that you're exaggerating this in your own head to sabotage things...though 2 months is quick whatever way you look at it.
Now, if you decide this is not for you, make your decision and cut all ties.
BUT, if you think you could have something together then sit him down and start talking about this as others have said..you have kids to think of here and you don't need an extra one. Talk in truth about your concerns. A strong relationship will survive stress testing and honest communication. If it can't survive this then it's doomed anyway. What would happen a few years down the road when you really needed support. Life takes many strange turns. Can he supply the emotional strength you would need?
I'm afraid I can only give you more and more questions. It's down to you to play Judge Judy with the answers you come up with. This is your life and your decision.
These are very valid points you make, and raise - I think your answer is spot on.