Awesome's best jokes ever thread. (443)
This hot looking lady,walked up to an old guy rocking away,in his chair,and she said to him "you look so happy and content"whats is youre secret to a long happy life???The old guy answers,I smoke 3 packets of smokes a day,a case of wiskey a week,eat fatty foods,and never exercise.Wow!!! the woman said thats amazing.How old are you???the old guy replies 26
Two old guys are sittin outside kmart on a bench,one says to the other,geez i feel old ,worn out and a bit under the weather ,old age is really creepin up to me.Youre the same age as me fella,how do feel? Well he says"to tell you the truth,i feel just like a baby".Really ,says the other guy".Yeah,i,m bald,ive got no teeth,i get fed through a spoon,And i just wet my pants.
astoneinariver: Two old guys are sittin outside kmart on a bench,one says to the other,geez i feel old ,worn out and a bit under the weather ,old age is really creepin up to me.Youre the same age as me fella,how do feel? Well he says"to tell you the truth,i feel just like a baby".Really ,says the other guy".Yeah,i,m bald,ive got no teeth,i get fed through a spoon,And i just wet my pants.
Shell225: Oh Frek... now I have to wipe beer of my lappy screen
YOU GETTIN DRUNK ALREADY? I am astoneinariver: YOU GETTIN DRUNK ALREADY? I am
Me? drink? drunk? never
TWO IRISH BLOKES SHAMUS AND BOB, ARE WALKIN DOON THE STREET AND THEY SEE A MIRROR LEANING AGAINST THE WALL,SHAMUS LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND SAYS OOOH, IVE SEEN DAT FACE BEFORE,AND BOB SAYS GIVE ME A BLOODY LOOK ,OCHH, ITS ME YA BLOODY IDIOT
astoneinariver: TWO IRISH BLOKES SHAMUS AND BOB, ARE WALKIN DOON THE STREET AND THEY SEE A MIRROR LEANING AGAINST THE WALL,SHAMUS LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND SAYS OOOH, IVE SEEN DAT FACE BEFORE,AND BOB SAYS GIVE ME A BLOODY LOOK ,OCHH, ITS ME YA BLOODY IDIOT
wipes the screen a g a i n Shell225: N U T S
hunny im home 
ohnuts1: hunny im home
how is you?Shell225: how is you?
im cool ta, a few jbs have passed the neck tonight so feeling rather chilled 
ohnuts1: im cool ta, a few jbs have passed the neck tonight so feeling rather chilled
me too am on beer #7...
a fine number but soon to be surpassed by beer #8Shell225: me too am on beer #7... a fine number but soon to be surpassed by beer #8
oooh is it a mya corona 
Martia: Isnt it in not on..... :
Yer it is in.Then it's on when he is cleaning it.
Q.How many solicitors does it take to screw in a light bulb???
A.None solicitors only screw their clients.
A.None solicitors only screw their clients.
Q.How many solicitors to change a light bulb???
A. 10 @ $350 per hour.
A. 10 @ $350 per hour.
On your left side is a 'drop off' , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you ...
In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it .
Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?
get off the merry-go-round youre pissed again
In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it .
Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ?
get off the merry-go-round youre pissed again
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A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender... "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."