Awesome's best jokes ever thread. (443)
akaRALFBacchus Marsh, Victoria Australia11 Threads 1,360 PostsMartia: You know AA would Never talk like that Ralfie
Actually i didn't know that, but now I do. 
I don't think I have ever had the pleasure of Ajax's company in the threads. 
The pleasure will be all yours Ajax. 
akaRALF: Actually i didn't know that, but now I do. I don't think I have ever had the pleasure of Ajax's company in the threads.
The pleasure will be all yours Ajax.
Im sure it will be I have no doubts The pleasure will be all yours Ajax.
AgentAjax: Im sure it will be I have no doubts
Poor men always getting picked on.Love and Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
HUSBAND & WIFE.
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.
akaRALF: Love and Marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
That would be farkin funny if it wasn't so true.Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"
Paddy staggeed out of a pub in Dublin and there was a little old lady with groceries standing on the kerb waiting to cross the road. She said to Paddy"Can you see me across the road" Paddy replied "I don't know I'll go over and have a look"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'OESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving - call 0800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy..
10. The Neurofen Plus box is empty and you bought it yesterday.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving - call 0800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy..
10. The Neurofen Plus box is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
akaRALF: 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'OESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving - call 0800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy..
10. The Neurofen Plus box is empty and you bought it yesterday.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving - call 0800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy..
10. The Neurofen Plus box is empty and you bought it yesterday.
I think I have oestrogen issues
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting
sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
A young guy from Sawtell moves to Hervey bay and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Sawtell.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, 'One'.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65'.
The boss says, '$101,237.65?' What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Landcruiser.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said, 'No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Sawtell.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, 'One'.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65'.
The boss says, '$101,237.65?' What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Landcruiser.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said, 'No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'
These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I
w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"
"How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I
w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"
LmfaoMIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
Hay dont laugh some of are neily there.
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
Hay dont laugh some of are neily there.
Oldbussy: MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
Hay dont laugh some of are neily there.
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
Hay dont laugh some of are neily there.
Oldbussy: MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
Hay dont laugh some of are neily there.
ATD -at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!
Hay dont laugh some of are neily there.
Priceless!!!Im putting it on FB!!
I was walking out of Coles the other day and slid on some dog crap. While I was standing there trying to scrape it off my shoe and come to terms with what just happened to me a little old lady walked out through the door. She also slid in the dog crap. I looked at her and said, "I just did that". She looked at me nasty like and said I ought to be ashamed of myself and called me a dirty hag.
MsBHavinalso: I was walking out of Coles the other day and slid on some dog crap. While I was standing there trying to scrape it off my shoe and come to terms with what just happened to me a little old lady walked out through the door. She also slid in the dog crap. I looked at her and said, "I just did that". She looked at me nasty like and said I ought to be ashamed of myself and called me a dirty hag.
More Threads
wanting beyond need
men's perspective towards women
the way you look
Would you hire this guy - for any job?
Happy Birthday MysteriousGirl80
The Best of the GOP
The weird and the random facts around the world
Unions support Democrats!
Ladies
Karen McDougal - Playmate Model will testify in Hush Money Trial
More Threads
Report threads that break rules, are offensive, or contain fighting. Staff may not be aware of the forum abuse, and cannot do anything about it unless you tell us about it. click to report forum abuse »
If one of the comments is offensive, please report the comment instead (there is a link in each comment to report it).
If one of the comments is offensive, please report the comment instead (there is a link in each comment to report it).
Related Forums
- wanting beyond need
- men's perspective towards women
- the way you look
- Would you hire this guy - for any job?
- Happy Birthday MysteriousGirl80
- The Best of the GOP
- The weird and the random facts around the world
- Unions support Democrats!
- Ladies
- Karen McDougal - Playmate Model will testify in Hush Money Trial