to tell or not to tell (22)
scoutmasterGranite falls, Washington USA29 Threads 6 Polls 1,100 Postshere is the situation, My ex had a long history of lying and cheeting and irresponsible spending and not paying her bills, and walking out on her kids. she left me 9 years ago fo be with the man she was preg from and has since lived with 3 different guys in for different homes in three different citys. this past year she hads been pretty good at spending tome with the kids but before that she would not even drive 10 miles to see her daughter play soccer. Now all the sudden my daughter who is 14 and does not know all the stuff about her mom wants to move and live with her. I understand a teen girl wanting her mom but I dont think it would be the best thing because within a year she may be with another guy in some othere house. she would have to change schools. as it is right now I makle sure she has time to spend with her mom and me both but if she moves I would not see her much. If I just say no without any explination then I am just the bad guy who wont let her go but If I explain why I dont want her to live with her mom then Im just bad mouthing her mom to her and I have never done that as I dont think it is right. so now I am woundering do I tell her about her mom or do I continue to protect her from the truth. Im not sure what to do, what do you all think.
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Heya sweets 
Bless ya heart.
i think she is at an age now where you have to be honest with her..
You dont have to make it out to be spiteful, but just tell her your concerns that if she goes what will happen.
Then when she is aware of all the facts...tell her you will stand by whatever decision she makes...
Bless ya heart.i think she is at an age now where you have to be honest with her..
You dont have to make it out to be spiteful, but just tell her your concerns that if she goes what will happen.
Then when she is aware of all the facts...tell her you will stand by whatever decision she makes...
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scoutmaster: here is the situation, My ex had a long history of lying and cheeting and irresponsible spending and not paying her bills, and walking out on her kids. she left me 9 years ago fo be with the man she was preg from and has since lived with 3 different guys in for different homes in three different citys. this past year she hads been pretty good at spending tome with the kids but before that she would not even drive 10 miles to see her daughter play soccer. Now all the sudden my daughter who is 14 and does not know all the stuff about her mom wants to move and live with her. I understand a teen girl wanting her mom but I dont think it would be the best thing because within a year she may be with another guy in some othere house. she would have to change schools. as it is right now I makle sure she has time to spend with her mom and me both but if she moves I would not see her much. If I just say no without any explination then I am just the bad guy who wont let her go but If I explain why I dont want her to live with her mom then Im just bad mouthing her mom to her and I have never done that as I dont think it is right. so now I am woundering do I tell her about her mom or do I continue to protect her from the truth. Im not sure what to do, what do you all think.
I'm sure there are somethings she knows about her mom, things she's heard you say, situations that might have shed light on her mom's attitude... There is a way to tell her about her mom without making you the bad guy.
Also, let her go a live with her mom. It could be good for all of you and will let your daughter learn about her mom in a way you could never tell her.
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It is a fine line between telling the truth and obscuring some of it for your child. You might want to tell your daughter, honestly, that you have some reservations about allowing her to live with her mother based on her mother not having a stable housing/living situation and that you are concerned that her mother might not be able to provide stable housing for your daughter.
Ask your daughter why she wants to move now? Being 14, she might not like the rules you have established and are having her follow or she might be on the "outs" with her friends and worried about entering high school(only a thought).
Ask your daughter if she would be willing to spend the school year with you and the summer with her mom. To try it out and that way her mother could provide you with the knowledge that for at least three months, she could give your daughter stable housing.
Ask your daughter why she wants to move now? Being 14, she might not like the rules you have established and are having her follow or she might be on the "outs" with her friends and worried about entering high school(only a thought).
Ask your daughter if she would be willing to spend the school year with you and the summer with her mom. To try it out and that way her mother could provide you with the knowledge that for at least three months, she could give your daughter stable housing.
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scoutmaster: here is the situation, My ex had a long history of lying and cheeting and irresponsible spending and not paying her bills, and walking out on her kids. she left me 9 years ago fo be with the man she was preg from and has since lived with 3 different guys in for different homes in three different citys. this past year she hads been pretty good at spending tome with the kids but before that she would not even drive 10 miles to see her daughter play soccer. Now all the sudden my daughter who is 14 and does not know all the stuff about her mom wants to move and live with her. I understand a teen girl wanting her mom but I dont think it would be the best thing because within a year she may be with another guy in some othere house. she would have to change schools. as it is right now I makle sure she has time to spend with her mom and me both but if she moves I would not see her much. If I just say no without any explination then I am just the bad guy who wont let her go but If I explain why I dont want her to live with her mom then Im just bad mouthing her mom to her and I have never done that as I dont think it is right. so now I am woundering do I tell her about her mom or do I continue to protect her from the truth. Im not sure what to do, what do you all think.
quite a challenge ...
If you tell her , she may suspect that the hate is talking out of you
if not ,your ex is going to ( most probably ) destroy your daughters life ...
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work your thoughts out on paper before you tell her.
It will be easier for you to get them organized and you might decide to do it in a letter to her...speech has a tendency to get interuptted and you lose your train of thought instead of putting it across logically.
It will be easier for you to get them organized and you might decide to do it in a letter to her...speech has a tendency to get interuptted and you lose your train of thought instead of putting it across logically.
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scoutmaster: here is the situation, My ex had a long history of lying and cheeting and irresponsible spending and not paying her bills, and walking out on her kids. she left me 9 years ago fo be with the man she was preg from and has since lived with 3 different guys in for different homes in three different citys. this past year she hads been pretty good at spending tome with the kids but before that she would not even drive 10 miles to see her daughter play soccer. Now all the sudden my daughter who is 14 and does not know all the stuff about her mom wants to move and live with her. I understand a teen girl wanting her mom but I dont think it would be the best thing because within a year she may be with another guy in some othere house. she would have to change schools. as it is right now I makle sure she has time to spend with her mom and me both but if she moves I would not see her much. If I just say no without any explination then I am just the bad guy who wont let her go but If I explain why I dont want her to live with her mom then Im just bad mouthing her mom to her and I have never done that as I dont think it is right. so now I am woundering do I tell her about her mom or do I continue to protect her from the truth. Im not sure what to do, what do you all think.
I'd say sit down and have a long chat with her. From adult to adult.
Ask her for her reasons first and listen to them very carefully (no interruptions, no matter how badly you may disagree!).
Then ask her to listen to your reasons - and voice your concerns in a detached manner, from an objective point of view. It's not about bad-mouthing her mother, it's about your concerns for your girl, isn't it.
Once you both know where you stand, maybe you can work on an agreement how to make some positive changes at home, that might change her mind?
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Boban1: quite a challenge ...
If you tell her , she may suspect that the hate is talking out of you
if not ,your ex is going to ( most probably ) destroy your daughters life ...
If you tell her , she may suspect that the hate is talking out of you
if not ,your ex is going to ( most probably ) destroy your daughters life ...
that is what im afraid of. it is like a no win situation. I have to admit though I am angery about what her mom did over the years and I want to be carefull that I am doing what is best for her and not just being angery at her mom for all the hurs she caused. I thought about haveing her talk to her older step sister who knows and remembers a lot of the stuff so she is getting it threw a different sorse.
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scoutmaster: that is what im afraid of. it is like a no win situation. I have to admit though I am angery about what her mom did over the years and I want to be carefull that I am doing what is best for her and not just being angery at her mom for all the hurs she caused. I thought about haveing her talk to her older step sister who knows and remembers a lot of the stuff so she is getting it threw a different sorse.
My ex. left when our son was 6-months old ... he didn`t have any contacts with her in person till a few month back , and he s soon to be 20
I didn`t want to "suffocate" him with the stories about his mother, so he went to see her .... he met her and her husband ... long story short .... he doesn`t want to hear form her again ...
in your case.... maybe she should see her mother but when she s older
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scoutmaster: here is the situation, My ex had a long history of lying and cheeting and irresponsible spending and not paying her bills, and walking out on her kids. she left me 9 years ago fo be with the man she was preg from and has since lived with 3 different guys in for different homes in three different citys. this past year she hads been pretty good at spending tome with the kids but before that she would not even drive 10 miles to see her daughter play soccer. Now all the sudden my daughter who is 14 and does not know all the stuff about her mom wants to move and live with her. I understand a teen girl wanting her mom but I dont think it would be the best thing because within a year she may be with another guy in some othere house. she would have to change schools. as it is right now I makle sure she has time to spend with her mom and me both but if she moves I would not see her much. If I just say no without any explination then I am just the bad guy who wont let her go but If I explain why I dont want her to live with her mom then Im just bad mouthing her mom to her and I have never done that as I dont think it is right. so now I am woundering do I tell her about her mom or do I continue to protect her from the truth. Im not sure what to do, what do you all think.
Tricky that...If you have ur parents still alive and are aware of the situation, perhaps a Grandma could speak to ur daughter, so that your ruled out the part of being the bad guy. If ya dont well depending on how u and ur daughter are? close ?? then u should be able to come clear, then let her make the choice. I am sure that ur doors are open to her if things would go sour...
Good Luck....
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here is another twist. I know if she goes to live with her mom that her mom is going to want me to pay child support, I have no problem helping support my kids, I have been tghere only support for many years but i know from past experience that there mom does not use child support for the kids, she spends it all on herself. I have paid off enough of her bills over the years and now I want my money to bennifit the kids and not just add to her luxuries while the kids do without.
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scoutmaster: here is another twist. I know if she goes to live with her mom that her mom is going to want me to pay child support, I have no problem helping support my kids, I have been tghere only support for many years but i know from past experience that there mom does not use child support for the kids, she spends it all on herself. I have paid off enough of her bills over the years and now I want my money to bennifit the kids and not just add to her luxuries while the kids do without.
Well, that's probably one of the things you should NOT mention in the conversation with your daughter...
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Kids are smarter then you think they are.Tell her your reasons,but keep it short,try not to put her mom down no more then you have to.Made a list if you need to,the reasons why on one side the reasons against on the other.After all in a couple years she will be able to go any way.The worse thing to say to a person is no you can't do some thing,because they will try to do it come hell or high water.
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It seems like you have been a very responsible and considerate father.It is a mark of your intelligence that you have chosen not to paint your ex wife in a negative light to your daughter.
However,it does appear to me that you have the responsibility as a father to reveal just enough about your ex to her in order for her to make a decision based on the facts she needs to know.
Even if she does choose to find out for herself she will respect you for being open and honest with her,as well as explaining why you have not so far revealed the negative aspects of your ex wife to her.
She could always come back to you?
Good luck mate.
However,it does appear to me that you have the responsibility as a father to reveal just enough about your ex to her in order for her to make a decision based on the facts she needs to know.
Even if she does choose to find out for herself she will respect you for being open and honest with her,as well as explaining why you have not so far revealed the negative aspects of your ex wife to her.
She could always come back to you?
Good luck mate.
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scoutmaster: here is the situation, My ex had a long history of lying and cheeting and irresponsible spending and not paying her bills, and walking out on her kids. she left me 9 years ago fo be with the man she was preg from and has since lived with 3 different guys in for different homes in three different citys. this past year she hads been pretty good at spending tome with the kids but before that she would not even drive 10 miles to see her daughter play soccer. Now all the sudden my daughter who is 14 and does not know all the stuff about her mom wants to move and live with her. I understand a teen girl wanting her mom but I dont think it would be the best thing because within a year she may be with another guy in some othere house. she would have to change schools. as it is right now I makle sure she has time to spend with her mom and me both but if she moves I would not see her much. If I just say no without any explination then I am just the bad guy who wont let her go but If I explain why I dont want her to live with her mom then Im just bad mouthing her mom to her and I have never done that as I dont think it is right. so now I am woundering do I tell her about her mom or do I continue to protect her from the truth. Im not sure what to do, what do you all think.
I dont have any children but I would tell the truth without putting the mother down and explain to them that you think with yowould be the better place for them until they finish school and let them do weekend visit if you trust that. good luck 
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tightboxers: It seems like you have been a very responsible and considerate father.It is a mark of your intelligence that you have chosen not to paint your ex wife in a negative light to your daughter.
However,it does appear to me that you have the responsibility as a father to reveal just enough about your ex to her in order for her to make a decision based on the facts she needs to know.
Even if she does choose to find out for herself she will respect you for being open and honest with her,as well as explaining why you have not so far revealed the negative aspects of your ex wife to her.
She could always come back to you?
Good luck mate.
However,it does appear to me that you have the responsibility as a father to reveal just enough about your ex to her in order for her to make a decision based on the facts she needs to know.
Even if she does choose to find out for herself she will respect you for being open and honest with her,as well as explaining why you have not so far revealed the negative aspects of your ex wife to her.
She could always come back to you?
Good luck mate.
Yes, I agree. I guess the other thing to bear in mind is what the law says. Not sure about there, but here I think that at 14 your daughter is allowed to choose who she lives with. You will need to tread carefully, but be sure to tell her the truth in a non-emotional with as little blaming as possible. I think suggesting that perhaps before she makes a permanent decision, she might like to try spending a few weekends with your ex or even a week or two before making up her mind, might be a good way to go? If you forbid it totally, it might make it more attractive to her? Not sure what personality she has, but teens can be quite rebellious in their bid for independence!!!! Good luck Scoutmaster. You're a great dad...
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scoutmaster: here is another twist. I know if she goes to live with her mom that her mom is going to want me to pay child support, I have no problem helping support my kids, I have been tghere only support for many years but i know from past experience that there mom does not use child support for the kids, she spends it all on herself. I have paid off enough of her bills over the years and now I want my money to bennifit the kids and not just add to her luxuries while the kids do without.
Hi scout...at 14 your daughter is old enough to handle her own cash..my own daughters maintenance went straight to them at that age..and from personal experience the more reason you give her for not wanting to move the more she will be swayed to move..thats the way teenagers work..
..but let her know your worries/concerns re the move and reassure her your place is always her home too...its tough scout but you have to let her go and see the situation for herself..I tried digging my heels in when my daughter wanted to live with my sister at 14(only because she got more freedom)..3 months later she was back home ...they know where their well looked after...good luck scout..------ This thread is Archived ------
scoutmaster: here is another twist. I know if she goes to live with her mom that her mom is going to want me to pay child support, I have no problem helping support my kids, I have been tghere only support for many years but i know from past experience that there mom does not use child support for the kids, she spends it all on herself. I have paid off enough of her bills over the years and now I want my money to bennifit the kids and not just add to her luxuries while the kids do without.
so give the money directly to your daughter and keep records of it.
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Thaks all for the ideas. giving the money directly to her is a great idea if it comes to that. I will keep that one in mind.
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