We Need A Laugh (53)
Sounds like a vampire has a great life....if you feel like hanging around earth for a couple of centuries.
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WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A WEREWOLF WITH A VAMPIRE?
A FUR COAT THAT FANGS AROUND YOUR NECK.
A FUR COAT THAT FANGS AROUND YOUR NECK.
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WHAT DO BIRDS GIVE OUT HALLOWEEN NIGHT?
TWEETS.
TWEETS.
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WHY DO MUMMYS HAVE TROUBLE KEEPING FRIENDS?
BECAUSE THEY ARE SO WRAPPED UP IN THEMSELVES.
BECAUSE THEY ARE SO WRAPPED UP IN THEMSELVES.
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Sounds like a yummy mummy recipe....
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Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, "Lord tundering jaisus...up ahead - it's a police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' dese here beers!"
Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow the bottle s under the seat." "What fer?" "Jist let me do de talkin', OK?"
So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Archie, pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow the bottle s under the seat." "What fer?" "Jist let me do de talkin', OK?"
So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Archie, pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
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THE DEAD DUCK.........
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,you haven't done any
testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something"
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his ! front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird
from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!
Now are you ready for this?
"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,you haven't done any
testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something"
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his ! front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird
from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!
Now are you ready for this?
"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00
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That was damn funny
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Swimming With The Alligators
A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!"
He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".
Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"
The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"
A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!"
He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".
Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"
The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"
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- New here. Single Guy from Grand Rapids, MI.
- It's been a long time....
- What does it mean to be a man or a woman?
- What Clothes Do You Feel Comfortable Wearing?
- Isis
- Note
- Name A Book In The Bible That Begins With The First Letter Of Your Name
- Thinking out loud #3
- a question
- "Emotions at the Crossroads"
HE HEARD IT HAD GREAT CIRCULATION.