We Need A Laugh ( Archived) (53)

To be honest Star.........no.......I don't watch football.

Tom, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the
TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Tom and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Tom says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." "Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Tom, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money. Tom replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Tom took the money.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.......
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!

Two good old boys are sittin' in a bass boat suckin' down beer when all of a sudden James says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."




Earl sips his beer and calmly says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

A couple of rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The rabbits ran into a briar patch to hide.

After catching his breath, the male rabbit asked the female rabbit, "Should we try to sneak away or just stay here till we outnumber them?"

The Bathtub Sanity Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

Oh, I understand," said the visitor, "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup!"

"No," said the Director, " A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Before having breakfast a mother sends her son out to do his chores. He goes outside and walks up to the cow and gives it a kick, then to the pigs and kicks them as well. Then on his way to the house he kicks the chicken. As he sits at the kitchen table his mother pours him a bowl of dry cereal. (Where's my milk?) he asks. "No milk for you! I saw you kick the cow.".....(Well wheres my bacon?)...."None for you, I saw you kick the pigs.".....(I guess I can't have eggs either)..."Thats right, I saw you kick the chicken" Just then his father walks into the kitchen and kicks the cat. (Hey mom! Should I tell Dad, or will you?)

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but

I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you

what I'm going to do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."



The devil smiled and said . . . . . . . . . . .




















"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND . .



I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.



These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school
District... (Spellings have been left intact.)



1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.



2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT.



3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.



4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.



5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.



6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.



7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.



8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.



9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.



10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.



11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'S WERE CROSSED OUT]. (Love it!)



12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.



13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.



14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You Know, this could be legit!}



15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.



16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.



17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.



18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!}



19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.



20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.



21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.



22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.



23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.



NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.