What Have You Learned From Past Relationships, And Will That Knowledge Help In The Future? (224)
I am with you here ----Malta::dancing:
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langleygirl: When there is no respect or even contempt within a relationship ...... its poison. Granted the person may have every right to feel or think that way so then it comes down to "are we being responsible and authentic" to ourselves. Am I the type of partner that someone can be proud to be with or am I better off on my own at this point in time (not sure if I'd be asking myself this within the confines of a relationship because of the commitment factor) but more importantly if I've veered ...... why and how to restore?
Personal accountability is key and the reality is that we have no control over another person and whether they make the choice to be with us or not.
Personal accountability is key and the reality is that we have no control over another person and whether they make the choice to be with us or not.
I think it's highly unlikely that if your partner feels she superior to you that it's true, because that feeling isn't something that comes from either fairness or self-esteem, in my view.
But let's say one's belief in being superior is justified. Then your partner (or you) must account for why they've chosen to stay with someone they regard as contemptible/inferior. What good reason could there be for that?
It's one thing for a partner to be dissatisfied with a behavior - and that dissatisfaction providing an impetus for you to change - but that's quite different from treating them with contempt, no?
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felixis99: this really is a good comment langley because I often think un, or poorly resolved control issues - including the fear of being controlled destroy a lot of peole's chances.
We can't control others. We can't dictate another's moral behavior as Ambrose was alluding to (I think). But we can disagree, ask for clarification and then decide if our moral differences are compatible. If those and other differences are not discussed in that context they can become toxic control issues.
On the other hand I have a male friend who is SO paranoid about "being controlled" that it's impossible to communicate wiht him. I just laugh because if he knew me IRL he would know that ima bout the leat controlling person he'll ever meet. So as far as personal accountability and control, I see the fear of being controlled as toxic as doing the actual controlling....jmho
We can't control others. We can't dictate another's moral behavior as Ambrose was alluding to (I think). But we can disagree, ask for clarification and then decide if our moral differences are compatible. If those and other differences are not discussed in that context they can become toxic control issues.
On the other hand I have a male friend who is SO paranoid about "being controlled" that it's impossible to communicate wiht him. I just laugh because if he knew me IRL he would know that ima bout the leat controlling person he'll ever meet. So as far as personal accountability and control, I see the fear of being controlled as toxic as doing the actual controlling....jmho
You make an excellent point about fearing to be controlled being equally as toxic as actually being controlling, Felixis. I kind of think of them as being opposite sides of the same self-esteem coin. If you're so terrified to being controlled/losing personal autonomy, then your self-esteem is surely lacking in some critical regard, just as if you feel the need to control your self-esteem is critically lacking.
I see so many people defiantly announcing "I will not be changed!" "Take me as I am, or else!" - and I regard that as symptomatic of the "control-phobia" you and I are discussing, F.
Someone with a strong sense of worth would neither think that nor feel any need to proclaim it, in my opinion.
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Personal accountability is key and the reality is that we have no control over another person and whether they make the choice to be with us or not.
this really is a good comment langley because I often think un, or poorly resolved control issues - including the fear of being controlled destroy a lot of peole's chances.
We can't control others. We can't dictate another's moral behavior as Ambrose was alluding to (I think). But we can disagree, ask for clarification and then decide if our moral differences are compatible. If those and other differences are not discussed in that context they can become toxic control issues.
On the other hand I have a male friend who is SO paranoid about "being controlled" that it's impossible to communicate wiht him. I just laugh because if he knew me IRL he would know that ima bout the leat controlling person he'll ever meet. So as far as personal accountability and control, I see the fear of being controlled as toxic as doing the actual controlling....jmho