Children of Divorced Parents (12)

Wondering if anyone has some advice/experience they could share with me...

I find that my "ex" is allowing our girls more liberties than perhaps he would have if we were "together"...
We still try to handle their "discipline" together...where we talk about it first and then talk to them together (and on occasion he has taken this out of my hands as well)...however the problem is that i feel like he is trying to be the "fun" parent, while i do all the "dirty" work...in everything else...and in my mind i'm wondering if that is a ploy of his to have the girls "lean" towards him..where i have always tried to maintain a "balance" in their relationships with us...

Our girls are 10 and 13, and therefore still in their "formative" years...as well they are in a difficult stage of "growing up", I'm afraid that by him trying to be the "fun" parent he's not setting boundaries for them that in the long run will be to their benefit..

Any thoughts or suggestions on this??

Well, the thing is your girls are smart, and they will respect the fact that they have limits & boundaries with you. (Although that might take a while) My parents were divorced, I lived with my dad, and I wasn't allowed out on weeknights (barely on weekends!). When I went to my mom's she'd let me take the car, go where ever I wanted, hell she even would buy me peach schnapps if I wanted it (although no driving & had to stay home). I liked having "fun" at mom's but I prefered to be with dad. I felt safer, and somehow had more respect for his position.
I realized that they just had different styles, that they loved me the same, but that since mom didn't see us as much, she really kinda let us do our thing.
My kids know that everything has a rule sure there are exceptions, but they're hard to find. My ex has more rules than I do- but we agree on the major things-
don't know if that helps?

It does help "B"..the comment about you wanting to be with the parent that provided the "boundaries" that all children need...and I know someday they will understand that no matter how much i wanted to be their "friend"..I would always be first and foremost their "mom"...

However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to keep "peace" and him and I seem to be "disagreeing" moreso now than we have ever before...

my ex & I started doing that too- right around the time where I started dating & he knew I was (yet he's had a g/f for over a year at this point...) It got to the point where I told him I'd never want to look at him or hear from him ever again if he didn't suck it up, put on the adult shoes & move on. We fought about everything, the sky is perfectly clear- no it isn't there's a cloud over yonder (where the hell did that yonder word come from???). Anyway, I finally said, we're adults, we're parents and we're going to get along, or we're not talking to eachother anymore. It's not really the same as your situation, seems you still get along, but you disagree about the parenting things- maybe just a sit down quicky talk one day?

my ex has always backed my rules.. i am the tougher one so we agree my rules should be followed.. ..

the end result SO FAR, crossing fingers

a 20 year old son who does not drink, by choice, and plays JR hockey. He has also been invited to austria next year to try out for a pro team..

so, i feel tough but fair is the way to go..

as well.. I have never censored him.. he has always been able to listen to any music he wants or movies.. but.. i do make it clear what from that is acceptable to be transfered to public life.

Communicating with the ex is the key. Explain to him that you want fairness with the liberties, what discipline is agreed on etc.

Also having everyone together once inawhile to discuss the issues is good. (The ex, you, and the kids....well if you guys dont fight that cats and dogs i guees.)

I also do a monthly parenting meeting with my ex. We have coffee and go over everything. Seems to work for us.

Wikked,

You do have a knack for hitting the nail on the head!

I'll have to agree with Pucks on this one, although I am not so sure about his hockey team choice ;-) Like Pucks says, communication IS key; however, depending on how recent your breakup is, that may take a back seat to more immediate concerns - getting yours and your kids' life together, adjusted to a new lifestyle and routine. A lot of pressure for all involved. Hopefully, when all these problems are resolved, the two of you SHOULD be able to talk about it.

In my case, some of the same problems you are bringing up with my ex occur. Not so much that the rules are different, just that she has all the money and can do the fun stuff with the kids because she has the financial means to and I don't.

Generally, I would say that I support her in the way she "administers" discipline. I try to enforce the same rules that are in effect in her house i.e. if a TV show is not allowed in her house, then it is not watched while the kids visit me. Major misbehaviour is dealt with in the same way - it wasn't proper when we were together, it's still inappropriate when we are separated.

Bottom line Wikked, you AND your ex are both in the same business: PARENTING. I was offered a piece of advice on how to achieve this wihtout as much drama.

You can treat your ex like a business partner. You don't have to like who you are dealing with, but at the end of the day, you are still in the business of providing a service, your "business partner" in for the acquisition of a "service" you provide. For all of us separated parents, what we strive to achieve is a "common" approach to discipline and happiness for the children wherever they live at the time - whether with the primary care provider or visiting with the other parent.

Hope this helps

From the Gateway to the North,

Sylvain sends

Thanks Borg...and all of you guys...

This is so difficult for me...in our whole marriage we never disagreed as much as we do now...and we always talked...about everything...just seems of late everything is "my fault"..and I'm to blame...blah blah blah...

He won't "reason" with me..and HE gets to do the fun stuff because i take care of everything else in the "background"..
He is a great dad...and i could not have chosen better for my children, but for the first time in my life...i find myself thinking i really really "dislike" this man....

I may not have been married to my kids mother, but the same scenario does apply to the problem that you r having. Then only time I really talk My kids mother is when I wish to talk to my kids.Or when one of them is severely misbehaving..The problem I have with her is when I discipline my kids, she does not cooperate..It's like whatever i tried to do to discipline my kids just doesn't matter to her. So I try to keep in mind that what goes arond comes around...be it directly or indirectly..the key thing is that YOU try to stay consistant with your actions in regards to your children.

hopes this helps darlin.