I WOULD LOVE TO MEET SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT BRING THEIR PAST INTO MY FUTURE! (60)
jac379: I completely agree with your above statement in red, I just disagree whether its about selfishness, or ignorance.
Take the example that Conjor gave:
She's upset because he didn't make contact when she had hoped. She feel's hurt by this and expresses that hurt.
He apologises, explains that he was busy and expects that's the resolution.
She brings it up repeatedly, so obviously, its not resolved for her.
Conjor can either dismiss her totally, or he can dismiss it each time the subject is brought up. This however still will lead to a lack of resolution for her. (Perhaps therein lies the selfishness, but only if he's aware of what he's doing).
So maybe he needs to tackle the apparant lack of resolution for her. He needs to discuss with her why its still causing her upset. It maybe something to do with her past, it maybe that she feels its a sign of him not caring, or the relationship fizzling out. It maybe that he continues to exhibit this behaviour. Resolution may come reassurance, or from setting boundaries. For example, if he's said that he will call, or its usual to have contact every day, it may be that he simply needs to drop her a text saying something like, "Sorry, very busy with such and such, but I haven't forgotten about you. Speak to you when I can".
For the sake of a small text of reassurance, or communicating where he's at, it can make all the difference in a successful relationship.
Another alternative, if she's too demanding is to make boundaries in advance of frequency of contact with reassurance its a matter of practicality, not how much he cares for her, or wants to be with her.
Doing this with every conflict of interests is how we build the foundations for a happy, healthy balanced relationship. It means that hurts, insecurities and resentments don't build to breaking point.
Its all very well saying that someone is being selfish, but sometimes we all need totally practical advice to see how to change our own behaviour for the better.
You give a man much to think about and the phone call thingy was just a starter exsample' This conversation is much deeper than some may realize. WE learn from the past to do it better next time around;NOT torment the next good soul that really likes you.Take the example that Conjor gave:
She's upset because he didn't make contact when she had hoped. She feel's hurt by this and expresses that hurt.
He apologises, explains that he was busy and expects that's the resolution.
She brings it up repeatedly, so obviously, its not resolved for her.
Conjor can either dismiss her totally, or he can dismiss it each time the subject is brought up. This however still will lead to a lack of resolution for her. (Perhaps therein lies the selfishness, but only if he's aware of what he's doing).
So maybe he needs to tackle the apparant lack of resolution for her. He needs to discuss with her why its still causing her upset. It maybe something to do with her past, it maybe that she feels its a sign of him not caring, or the relationship fizzling out. It maybe that he continues to exhibit this behaviour. Resolution may come reassurance, or from setting boundaries. For example, if he's said that he will call, or its usual to have contact every day, it may be that he simply needs to drop her a text saying something like, "Sorry, very busy with such and such, but I haven't forgotten about you. Speak to you when I can".
For the sake of a small text of reassurance, or communicating where he's at, it can make all the difference in a successful relationship.
Another alternative, if she's too demanding is to make boundaries in advance of frequency of contact with reassurance its a matter of practicality, not how much he cares for her, or wants to be with her.
Doing this with every conflict of interests is how we build the foundations for a happy, healthy balanced relationship. It means that hurts, insecurities and resentments don't build to breaking point.
Its all very well saying that someone is being selfish, but sometimes we all need totally practical advice to see how to change our own behaviour for the better.
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conjor: You give a man much to think about and the phone call thingy was just a starter exsample' This conversation is much deeper than some may realize. WE learn from the past to do it better next time around;NOT torment the next good soul that really likes you.
Once again, I agree
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conjor: You give a man much to think about and the phone call thingy was just a starter exsample' This conversation is much deeper than some may realize. WE learn from the past to do it better next time around;NOT torment the next good soul that really likes you.
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conjor: You give a man much to think about and the phone call thingy was just a starter exsample' This conversation is much deeper than some may realize. WE learn from the past to do it better next time around;NOT torment the next good soul that really likes you.
Absolutely, but we may not realise we're tormenting the next good soul and that works both ways. In your example, she doesn't realise she's tormenting you by bring up the subject repeatedly, you don't realise you're tormenting her by dismissing it.
She brings up the subject repeatedly because its still a point of conflict for her; its not yet resolved for her. It then becomes a point of conflict for you. If you want your own resolution, you must also keep going back to it until the original conflict is resolved. If you don't do this you will together build conflict upon conflict until you both no longer can see the wood for the trees and don't know where to start.
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The past is what has shaped you into who you are, so no, the past shouldn't be dismissed. Its the Demons that shouldn't be sitting on your shoulder when you next start a relationship.
Its threads like this which reminds me why I dislike Agony Aunt columns in news papers and magazines.
Its threads like this which reminds me why I dislike Agony Aunt columns in news papers and magazines.
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jac379: Absolutely, but we may not realise we're tormenting the next good soul and that works both ways. In your example, she doesn't realise she's tormenting you by bring up the subject repeatedly, you don't realise you're tormenting her by dismissing it.
She brings up the subject repeatedly because its still a point of conflict for her; its not yet resolved for her. It then becomes a point of conflict for you. If you want your own resolution, you must also keep going back to it until the original conflict is resolved. If you don't do this you will together build conflict upon conflict until you both no longer can see the wood for the trees and don't know where to start.
She brings up the subject repeatedly because its still a point of conflict for her; its not yet resolved for her. It then becomes a point of conflict for you. If you want your own resolution, you must also keep going back to it until the original conflict is resolved. If you don't do this you will together build conflict upon conflict until you both no longer can see the wood for the trees and don't know where to start.
Aggree; But do you ever start to feel like you are baby sitting a man rather than simply caring about 'HIM' That sucks Jac' I know you have been there and done that' Everyone has ..But it's not something you would want to have to go back too.------ This thread is Archived ------
conjor: Aggree; But do you ever start to feel like you are baby sitting a man rather than simply caring about 'HIM' That sucks Jac' I know you have been there and done that' Everyone has ..But it's not something you would want to have to go back too.
That's why its important that both parties take note of each other's needs.
If one person gets to the point of feeling that they're doing all the supporting, that's another conflict that must be resolved by negotiation and establishing boundaries.
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WHO the Hell is interested in YOUR future ?
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I want to thank Jac and Healthyliving for the good conversation and others that had interest.It has been a learning exsperience for me
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almera03: The past is what has shaped you into who you are, so no, the past shouldn't be dismissed. Its the Demons that shouldn't be sitting on your shoulder when you next start a relationship.
Its threads like this which reminds me why I dislike Agony Aunt columns in news papers and magazines.
Its threads like this which reminds me why I dislike Agony Aunt columns in news papers and magazines.
If its of no use to you, why criticise?
Either leave without criticism, or add input you think might be more useful to someone.
By being critical without offering a critique, you offer only negativity which is not productive.
If others can find some understanding, methodology, or resolution for themselves through a thread like this, then why not let them do that without showing your resentment?
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odin3: WHO the Hell is interested in YOUR future ?
Me.
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conjor: I want to thank Jac and Healthyliving for the good conversation and others that had interest.It has been a learning exsperience for me
My pleasure.
Sometimes its not so important what others say, as that which we take from it and make useful for the benefit of ourselves and others.
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Mermaidon: You can't just live in the present and pretend the past never happened, even if you believe that what we do today is independent of the past and that moving on is the best thing... Moving on doesn't mean forgetting, it just means forgiving, ourselves and others.
JMO
JMO
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Sister28: ...
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conjor: I want to thank Jac and Healthyliving for the good conversation and others that had interest.It has been a learning exsperience for me
You are more than welcome Conjur, a good discussion and some pretty valid points.
Mind you we still had the odd pillock in and around trying to cause some arguments.....
Still we must let the idiots have a say, keeps us amused as well
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conjor: Why is this so hard??? even if they were never anything but a friend.Why can't they leave the past in the graveyard??????
People are learning from the past experience. It depends on how people react and perceive on those lessons. It is hard and not a joke though. It is the same like trying to be always positive and optimist in negative and pessimist environment.
Anyway, freedom from the past or anything else for that matter always comes in the very instant I stop thinking about it.
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chocolateflavour: People are learning from the past experience. It depends on how people react and perceive on those lessons. It is hard and not a joke though. It is the same like trying to be always positive and optimist in negative and pessimist environment.
Anyway, freedom from the past or anything else for that matter always comes in the very instant I stop thinking about it.
Anyway, freedom from the past or anything else for that matter always comes in the very instant I stop thinking about it.
That's great if it works for you.
For myself, I know that my past impacts upon my present whether I think about it, or not.
I would rather think about it and resolve issues consciously and conscientiously than pretend its not there for my own peace of mind whilst running the risk of crapping on someone else from a great height as a consequence.
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conjor: Why is this so hard??? even if they were never anything but a friend.Why can't they leave the past in the graveyard??????
i could not agree with you more, the past is the past you can not change it so look and concentrate on the future
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Great thread and good comments from many throughout. I think for myself, you cannot separate the past totally from the present for everyone has history, experiences, viewpoints, and mostly expectations of how we think things should be. (doesn't make it right or wrong, but merely their expectations/experiences compared to ours) in some situations.
Freaking that someone didn't call is a great example and learning what are others expectations around communication. I think sometimes it can also be a sign of "control" ..... I get red flags when that happens because if someone suddenly needs to be attached to my right hip and have constant contact - I'm like whoa there, surely I am entitled to some free space, etc. and don't need to report to you what I'm doing, watching on tv or maybe having a bubble bath. I think there are those who can squeeze the life out of a relationship quite quickly without being aware that they are doing it.
Freaking that someone didn't call is a great example and learning what are others expectations around communication. I think sometimes it can also be a sign of "control" ..... I get red flags when that happens because if someone suddenly needs to be attached to my right hip and have constant contact - I'm like whoa there, surely I am entitled to some free space, etc. and don't need to report to you what I'm doing, watching on tv or maybe having a bubble bath. I think there are those who can squeeze the life out of a relationship quite quickly without being aware that they are doing it.
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TAKE TIME TO KNOW HER...