I WOULD LOVE TO MEET SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT BRING THEIR PAST INTO MY FUTURE! ( Archived) (60)

I have empathy or however you spell it Im just saying'' People should let their heart heal before they invovle someone else into their Life.I not trying to be selfish to anyone.If I go into a relationship and still hurting or brooding over someone done this to me and someone done tat to me; I want to be healed up inside before involving someone who has done me no wrong.

I completely agree with your above statement in red, I just disagree whether its about selfishness, or ignorance.

Take the example that Conjor gave:

She's upset because he didn't make contact when she had hoped. She feel's hurt by this and expresses that hurt.

He apologises, explains that he was busy and expects that's the resolution.

She brings it up repeatedly, so obviously, its not resolved for her.

Conjor can either dismiss her totally, or he can dismiss it each time the subject is brought up. This however still will lead to a lack of resolution for her. (Perhaps therein lies the selfishness, but only if he's aware of what he's doing).

So maybe he needs to tackle the apparant lack of resolution for her. He needs to discuss with her why its still causing her upset. It maybe something to do with her past, it maybe that she feels its a sign of him not caring, or the relationship fizzling out. It maybe that he continues to exhibit this behaviour. Resolution may come reassurance, or from setting boundaries. For example, if he's said that he will call, or its usual to have contact every day, it may be that he simply needs to drop her a text saying something like, "Sorry, very busy with such and such, but I haven't forgotten about you. Speak to you when I can".

For the sake of a small text of reassurance, or communicating where he's at, it can make all the difference in a successful relationship.

Another alternative, if she's too demanding is to make boundaries in advance of frequency of contact with reassurance its a matter of practicality, not how much he cares for her, or wants to be with her.

Doing this with every conflict of interests is how we build the foundations for a happy, healthy balanced relationship. It means that hurts, insecurities and resentments don't build to breaking point.

Its all very well saying that someone is being selfish, but sometimes we all need totally practical advice to see how to change our own behaviour for the better.

I would say that if they do not want to become friends first and nuture that relationship, and they frivilously jump into a relationship with a stranger...

That person is only setting himself up for many disappointments and perhaps struggles, such as Ben has described here.

That's why I will not begin to entertain the idea of simply emailing back and forth to begin a relationship. I want to see how the person reacts to situations with others, how they behave in the forums, and what's in that head of theirs. Are they easily angered? From such, stay away!

I learned long ago that life is too short for the B.S.
I would much rather be alone and happy, than with someone and miserable.

If one person is emotionally stable and mature and the other is not, it will not work, no matter how you try. We can not Fix people. People have to want to, and try to fix themselves. We can share wisdom with them, but we can not Make them apply it.

Trees are pruned. This causes them to bear more fruit.
We must be pruned also, to bear great qualities.

Love you,
HL

Aaah, the blame game versus personal responsibility.

Isn't this in red, effectively the blame game? Those very people may simply not be aware of their behaviour, or even begin to know where to start. I agree, sometimes we have to walk away because resolution of conflict requires effort on both sides and that isn't forthcoming from one, but in this situation it appears that Conjor isn't willing to make the effort, either. That is HIS baggage, HIS responsibility to deal with if he wants a happy, healthy relationship. To put it all on the other person is the blame game.

I know I'm repeating myself here, but I think its totally unrealistic to expect that someone has totally resolved all previous issues before getting into another relationship, when getting into another relationship is part and parcel of the healing process. You can only do so much on your own and then its time to move to the next stage and deal with a bit more.

We would never chuck a pack of unfamiliar dogs together and expect a pack order to be instantly established with no previous behaviours being ironed out with conflict. Why, oh why, do we expect to walk into a utopia in terms of relationships without establishing the behaviours that we will use effectively to relate to each other for the equal benefit of both?

Relationships require communication, adaptation, change, dedication, lots of bloody, bloody hard work...hard work doesn't kill us, it makes us stronger.

If we just have a grand design in our heads of how its all going to lovey-dovey and perfect and dismiss everything that doesn't fit into that ideal, we're going to end up very lonely.

Two people willing to adapt and make changes for the better is what it takes. Not just one out of the partnership.

Understood. I think many love relationships do not start with friendships nor do they start with a "deep" love either, but rather a familiarization with the other person, something between infatuation and attraction (physical, mental, psychological and sometimes spiritual)
When a woman tells me I'm a friend, I take it at face value, I don't think to myself "well, we're friends for now, it's a good start until Cupid decides to shoot us both in the heart

Understood. I think many love relationships do not start with friendships nor do they start with a "deep" love either, but rather a familiarization with the other person, something between infatuation and attraction (physical, mental, psychological and sometimes spiritual)
When a woman tells me I'm a friend, I take it at face value, I don't think to myself "well, we're friends for now, it's a good start until Cupid decides to shoot us both in the heart"

And you even have it in Stereo

Sometimes folk have not fully healed from a past relationship, but helping them through their troubles can make the new relationship stronger.

Accepting that we all have a past and regardless of how hard we try it will always crop up from time to time.

But by discussing it empathatically together you can help each other move on.

Too often we forget the fact every thing is linked and what happened to all of us in the past will have an effect on our future.

Telling someone that they should forget and move on is in some ways fine but they past is what makes us what we are today.

Dwelling on the past however is wrong, but so is to an extent ignoring it.

So we need to be aware of the past,present and future and then we can all get on with our lives as we wish.

I do agree if you are still hurting then you do have to look at yourself before getting involved.

However you can and I and others have helped folk move on,so to dismiss someone who is still upset can very often prove detrimental.

As always JMHO