New year, new life ( Archived) (22)

Last night after crying, I wrote to my FB that I threw away all the unhappy things of the old year and flushed the toilet to welcome New Year 2013. I hope I can do it but talking is always easier than doing. We have been on and off, on and off for 2 years and now I realize that I'm the only one gets hurt in this situation so I give up.

Some people just asked me "if you know he is an a**hole, why do you still have feelings toward him? Is he special?". He is not special, he is not rich, he used to be handsome but not anymore (he blamed me for making him fat because our marriage was killing him so he lost motivation), he is not good to me...But still I miss our happy moments together. I don't know why people change while I'm not. It's been 5 years. Maybe I need more time to understand that we can't walk the same path anymore. We don't belong together anymore. I should move on, find a better man and start a better life.

But why is it too difficult for me? Why am I still crying when thinking about what we have had? I'm too weak and stupid

If you know the rose in you hands made you bleeds, then why you keep hold it on? It won't be easy at the beginning but you can pass through it someday and life is about to dance in the rain rather than waiting it stop (which we never know when). Be strong!
And whatever your decision, you have to know the risk. Big return deserved a big investment, and dont invest your precious life for nothing. :) :)

Lets be fair to the men some women are too.

I have been bleeding for over 1 year but sometimes the pain stopped when we had good times together. But soon after that, that rose made me bled again.
I already made the decision. We agreed to be good friends. He said that he really meant that. I need his help anyway. I am living far from my family in a foreign country. Even though I have been living here for almost 6 years since I came here as a student, it's still not my country.
So now I have to learn to walk alone, help myself out of this mess.

And yet if you had his heart you'd probably walk away.

I also think of living alone, maybe with some female friends who are in the same situation. I don't like being alone. I feel lonely all the time I'm alone so I need friends. It's just all my friends have moved away when I have had a hard time so getting over it is a little more difficult than with them around.