Widows And Widowers ( Archived) (20)

I was just wondering if there are other widows and widowers out there.

Guess, I am the only one. I told them in treatment that I was unique.

What might be classified as extra problems with those who have lost someone besides just the loss are guilt, anger, lonliness, isolation, impatience to replace the loss one and other symptoms. Anger at self, God and anyone within range. Guilt of maybe you could have done something to prevent it, guilt that is was your fault and guilt of arguments wth spouse before they died, Lonliness because you were used to having someone and you feel you are punished by being alone. Isolation because they are not there and so you close down and punish yourself by not getting out to be with others because you feel like the grim reaper. It feels different than divorce because you with that person when they died. You feel like, hey, why did this happen to me. I was good and now I am alone anyways. 5 months widowed here. Still trying to deal with it.

Roy

I am an emotional mess, today. I have been crying all day. I feel mentally and emotionally unstable. I hope everyone a god day.

Are you in more grieving, hon?
staying safe?

Mary-Ann told me the crying is normal and she sent me this:

Listen

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
I'm glad you managed to get out of the house. This is a good thing. I know that there was a point where I was becoming a recluse. I didn't mind because I didn't have to deal with other people. I didn't have to explain, or listen to things that I didn't care about. But I realized that this was not healthy for me or my boys. I do try and get out. At least to one person's house. But they have there own issues. I don't mind being alone I just don't like being lonely.
If it was up to me to do the dinner parties invite people over for coffee,well, people would be waiting a long time. I find it better if they just drop in. I let them know that it's either a good time or a bad time. Depends on who it is. Some people just don't get the hint.
I enjoy it when my boys have company.Then I don't feel so guilty for not doing much with them.
It's raining here today and yesterday and probably tomorrow. But that's what makes this province green.

Listen! All I asked, was that you listen. Not talk or do - just hear me.

Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I'm not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people because God is mute and he doesn't give advice or try to fix things. "They" just listen and let you work it out for yourself..

So, please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn and I'll listen to you.

Anonymous




I also have another one that I liked .



GRIEF IS LIKE A RIVER

My grief is like a river-
I have to let it flow,
But I myself determine
Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
In waves of quilt and pain,
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger-
Muy faith seems faint indeed,
But there are other swimmers
Who know that what I need.

Are loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift,
And someone kind to listen
When i just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last.

Cynthia G. Kelley

Some real sweet words that seem to help. I read it and have been studying it.

I hope you find comfort in that, roy. truely. it will take more tme, but looks as thought you have a very nice person to identify with...

Roy, I did not lose a spouse in a legal marriage but I did lose my better half in '96. I would have been fine to curl up in the fetal position in a corner for the remainder of my life. You are doing fine.

You're 5 months into this huge life change? You're fine. You're doing as well as anyone else does.

Do not expect too much from yourself, do not berate yourself for grieving. It's a lengthy process, not to be rushed or done by some textbook standards. Your relationship and your pain is your own. It was and is unique, not to be compared to anyone else's, or understood by anyone else.

Cling to and pay attention to you bad days. They were a release for me, another step closer to being healthy. To go into constant battle with yourself to let go is foolish and useless. The loss will always be there. Even unhealthy feelings such as guilt will arise forever. But there will come a time when you recognize them as needless, false guilty feelings.

You will rise above. You won't see that now, but don't look too hard. It will come.

Love,
Erin