Talk Show Humour.... ( Archived) (13)

Good news for Iraq. There's a 50 percent chance that President Bush will confuse it with Iran.

- Craig Kilborn


In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education, anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda, and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out.

- Jay Leno


In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them.

- Jay Leno


Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.

- Jay Leno


Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the United Nations Security Council, offering a compelling 90-minute presentation that not only furthered his case but reminded the world why America is second to none in the field of PowerPoint.

- Jay Leno


President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

- David Letterman


President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? Are you kidding? We can't even get this in Florida.

- Jay Leno


War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL'.

- Jay Leno


CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded.

- Jay Leno


My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I took her down the street to the local Texaco.

- Jay Leno


Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

- Jay Leno



This week officials from France, Russia and Germany accused President Bush of having a fondness for war. Yeah, when asked about it, a spokesman for Bush said, 'It's a one syllable word, of course he's fond of it.'

- Conan O'Brien


I read today that the president was interrupted 73 times by applause and 75 times by really big words.

- Jay Leno


President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed.

- Jay Leno


(Cont'd)....

President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up.'

- Craig Kilborn


President Bush found out something this week. Between the countries of Camaroone, Chile, Angola and Syria, Angola plays the best music when they put you on hold.

- Craig Kilborn


Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

- Jon Stewart


As you all know we're about to start March Madness. That's NCAA college basketball tournament when they start with 64 teams and you whittle them down to just one, you know kind of like our allies.

- Jay Leno


You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.

- Conan O'Brien


Turkey has voted not to allow U.S. troops into their country and Saddam Hussein said 'You can do that?'

- Jay Leno


According to the New York Times, Saddam Hussein has mined all his oil fields, planted bombs in all his major cities, he's got bombs in the military installations, in the airports, and he's mined all the government buildings. There's not much left for us to do, really.

- Jay Leno


A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organization called 'Books Not Bombs.' President Bush said, 'Why do you want to drop books on them?'

- Jay Leno


The state of Texas executed its third prison inmate this week. This week. In fact, they don't even have a last meal anymore, now it's a buffet.

- Jay Leno

U bad don't change

Who me???????????

In recent years part of Air Canada's settlement with its unions was the hiring of handicapped people.

One day after that settlement, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for their flight to leave. The door opened and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping the aisle seats with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spread through the cabin; but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke.

None was forthcoming.

The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands. Then over the PA system they heard the copilot say to the pilot, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die!"

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

You did so GOOD, then you had to go and pander to Indy.

Oh that's cause he's a big goof...and we have a long standing joke about my Canadian wall I'm building!!!!!