Some jokes ( Archived) (11)

Papa Bear tossed and turned, but could not fall asleep.

When his restlessness woke Mama Bear, she cried in exasperation, "How many times do I have to tell you? No coffee after September."
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Q. What is the true definition of a diplomat?
A. It is a person who can tell someone else to go to hell in a way that the other person will thank him for it!
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At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child; do you pray to God before lunch or dinner?
The child said, “No ma'am, my moms a good cook!”
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Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
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There were 2 old ladies at church. One old lady said, "my butt's asleep."

The other old lady said, "yeah, I know, I heard it snore 3 times."

Hi Paul

Hi Claire!!

A rabbit walked into a restaurant with a lion. The waiter seats them and asks the rabbit, "What will you have?"

The rabbit says bring me a half a head of lettuce.

The waiter looks at the lion and says, "And what will he have?"

The rabbit says "The lion? He's not eating".

The waiter says "Why? Isn’t he hungry?"

Then the rabbit says "If he was hungry do you think I'd be here?"