Some new Irish jokes (3)

SOME IRISH LEVITY

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got's to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks
the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad
situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy
answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost
$500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut,
and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
It was; but useless in a fight.'


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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya
been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms
across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.'


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