Jokes (15)
It's a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
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LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!!!!
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A gynecologist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time for the final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he's shocked at the test score. One hundred percent would have been a perfect score, but he received a 200%! How was this possible? So he goes to talk to the instructor.
The instructor said, "Well, you got 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler."
The instructor said, "Well, you got 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doing it all through the muffler."
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Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in. The doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got some bad news. You don't have much time to live." Lou is obviously upset about this, but asks, "How much longer do I have doc?"
The doctor says, "10."
Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"
The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
The doctor says, "10."
Lou says, "10 what? 10 weeks...10 months...10 years?"
The doctor replies, "9...8...7..."
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A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
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A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."
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Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was.
His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. Th is time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)
'THE TEETH.'
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. Th is time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
(Continue below - This is great)
'THE TEETH.'
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A few years ago we were sitting in the canteen discussing what we`d bought for our loved ones on Valentines Day.
I asked my friend John what did he get for his partner and he replied "Oh,I got her a new bag and belt".
One of the ladies at our table said "Awh John,that`s nice",to which he replied in his strong Geordie accent,"Aye,the f**king Hoover works great now".
I asked my friend John what did he get for his partner and he replied "Oh,I got her a new bag and belt".
One of the ladies at our table said "Awh John,that`s nice",to which he replied in his strong Geordie accent,"Aye,the f**king Hoover works great now".
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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
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jekyll: A few years ago we were sitting in the canteen discussing what we`d bought for our loved ones on Valentines Day.
I asked my friend John what did he get for his partner and he replied "Oh,I got her a new bag and belt".
One of the ladies at our table said "Awh John,that`s nice",to which he replied in his strong Geordie accent,"Aye,the f**king Hoover works great now".
I asked my friend John what did he get for his partner and he replied "Oh,I got her a new bag and belt".
One of the ladies at our table said "Awh John,that`s nice",to which he replied in his strong Geordie accent,"Aye,the f**king Hoover works great now".
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Created: Feb 2009
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The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."