Emotionally Available Men........ (44)
Hugz_n_Kissez: I didn't...the blog lady did and she uses that phrase quite often...she's English I believe and too cool....
you said a**clown
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Shades of Grey: Part 2 Contact is Contact, Emotionally Unavailable is Emotionally Unavailable:
If there is one thing a woman in a dubious relationship loves, it’s shades of grey. Looking between the lines when there is no gap. Seeing gold or platinum when it’s actually copper. Seeing a loaf when it’s a crumb. Over rationalising things to make it fit within her reason. And the big ones; assuming she is different or that he is different.
The reason why I say this? There are two things you should drum into yourself so you can get into reality:
1) When you make contact after starting No Contact, and by ‘make’ that means instigating or accepting it in any, way, shape, or form, it is contact. Period. Contact is contact.
2) You may put on your rose tinted glasses and your fur coat of denial and rationalise that your guy is different, special, has some good points, has some good days, is only a ‘bit’ emotionally unavailable or not as emotionally unavailable as the last guy, but…emotionally unavailable is emotionally unavailable.
With the former, I really want you to realise that whatever reasons you come up with for making contact or accepting contact , and whatever tone you think you had and yada, yada, yada, he doesn’t think ‘Ah, Natalie accepted my call but she’s really frosty with me so I think I’d better leave her alone from now on because I don’t want to mess her around any further and I’ve already put her through enough pain’. No - he doesn’t ‘think’ at all because the act of getting you to break No Contact is about attention. You may look at it as giving him 1% attention but he just sees it as attention, period. He realises he’s proved his point, and often, the silly little a**clown won’t even bother to return your call or will just straight up vanish.
Stop explaining, stop discussing, stop thinking that he’s thinking the same thing you’re thinking, because trust me, he’s not. If you weren’t on the same planet when you were together, you can be damn sure you’re not now that it’s over.
99% of the time, whatever reason you have come up with for making contact or accepting it, it’s not the real reason and if you’re even THINKING about making contact, it’s a neon flashing light of a signal that is telling you that you haven’t cut contact for long enough!
When it comes to emotional unavailability, one of the problems that will keep you being compassionate, projecting, and in denial, is believing that you can make him different or that he’s not what he actually is. For the habitually emotionally unavailable that cause umpteen problems for themselves and you, they are emotionally unavailable.
Stop analysing him and trying to put him into the ‘not so bad job lot’ of emotionally unavailable by overextending your compassion.
Mr Unavailable is not a ‘bit’ emotionally unavailable, 25%, 50, 66 or whatever percent emotionally unavailable. It doesn’t matter if he only has done half the things that some others do - that half may be very bad and where there is half, there is more.
You want to think he’s different because you don’t want to let go and you’re heavily emotionally invested in the potential that you think he can deliver. The fact that you need to focus on potential rather than the current him speaks volumes.
If you have to have shades of grey to maintain your idea of the relationship, it’s a sign that something is very wrong. Whilst the world is not black and white, if you’re in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t have to rationalise him, his behaviour, your emotional investment, or your reasons for still being around. Period.
If there is one thing a woman in a dubious relationship loves, it’s shades of grey. Looking between the lines when there is no gap. Seeing gold or platinum when it’s actually copper. Seeing a loaf when it’s a crumb. Over rationalising things to make it fit within her reason. And the big ones; assuming she is different or that he is different.
The reason why I say this? There are two things you should drum into yourself so you can get into reality:
1) When you make contact after starting No Contact, and by ‘make’ that means instigating or accepting it in any, way, shape, or form, it is contact. Period. Contact is contact.
2) You may put on your rose tinted glasses and your fur coat of denial and rationalise that your guy is different, special, has some good points, has some good days, is only a ‘bit’ emotionally unavailable or not as emotionally unavailable as the last guy, but…emotionally unavailable is emotionally unavailable.
With the former, I really want you to realise that whatever reasons you come up with for making contact or accepting contact , and whatever tone you think you had and yada, yada, yada, he doesn’t think ‘Ah, Natalie accepted my call but she’s really frosty with me so I think I’d better leave her alone from now on because I don’t want to mess her around any further and I’ve already put her through enough pain’. No - he doesn’t ‘think’ at all because the act of getting you to break No Contact is about attention. You may look at it as giving him 1% attention but he just sees it as attention, period. He realises he’s proved his point, and often, the silly little a**clown won’t even bother to return your call or will just straight up vanish.
Stop explaining, stop discussing, stop thinking that he’s thinking the same thing you’re thinking, because trust me, he’s not. If you weren’t on the same planet when you were together, you can be damn sure you’re not now that it’s over.
99% of the time, whatever reason you have come up with for making contact or accepting it, it’s not the real reason and if you’re even THINKING about making contact, it’s a neon flashing light of a signal that is telling you that you haven’t cut contact for long enough!
When it comes to emotional unavailability, one of the problems that will keep you being compassionate, projecting, and in denial, is believing that you can make him different or that he’s not what he actually is. For the habitually emotionally unavailable that cause umpteen problems for themselves and you, they are emotionally unavailable.
Stop analysing him and trying to put him into the ‘not so bad job lot’ of emotionally unavailable by overextending your compassion.
Mr Unavailable is not a ‘bit’ emotionally unavailable, 25%, 50, 66 or whatever percent emotionally unavailable. It doesn’t matter if he only has done half the things that some others do - that half may be very bad and where there is half, there is more.
You want to think he’s different because you don’t want to let go and you’re heavily emotionally invested in the potential that you think he can deliver. The fact that you need to focus on potential rather than the current him speaks volumes.
If you have to have shades of grey to maintain your idea of the relationship, it’s a sign that something is very wrong. Whilst the world is not black and white, if you’re in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t have to rationalise him, his behaviour, your emotional investment, or your reasons for still being around. Period.
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BTW great thread topic gypsy
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yes, we all put on the rose colored glasses to make excuses and rationalize for the other one at one point or another in our lives. Maybe when you reach emotionally maturity you can understand her concepts and embrace them better?------ This thread is Archived ------
bob1959: BTW great thread topic gypsy
thank you...it came about by different factors happening at the same time. 
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That's cute! LMAO!!!
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This is her site...she offers advice...articles and has written books on the subject...Its well worth the read and definite eye opener to those confusing questions....
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Hugz_n_Kissez: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/This is her site...she offers advice...articles and has written books on the subject...Its well worth the read and definite eye opener to those confusing questions....
now when someone has a tragic problem in their relationship--we can just direct them to this thread and they can sort it all out.
Thank you Hugz...
it is your job to remember the name of the thread though...------ This thread is Archived ------
Great thread topic!
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Shelley, when I have more time to read I'm certainly going to read through your posts here.
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Do I have to go ring shopping???????
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If you don’t have decent levels of self-esteem, with positive attitudes about yourself, love, and relationships, you will welcome men that not only reflect the negatives, but who will use how you treat yourself and how you accept their behaviour as a guiding light on how to treat you.
There’s no point in saying ‘I am a woman of high self-esteem’ as you bemoan the behaviour of a man who is crossing your boundaries because if you’ve been letting poor relationship behaviour slide, it is an indicator that something is very wrong. If you were a woman of high self-esteem, or even average levels, you’d have shown the guy the door when it became apparent that the only way a relationship was going to happen with him is if he was allowed to cross the boundary lines on a permanent basis.
If you start treating yourself decently, it will not only become more natural to have boundaries, but it won’t kill you to act upon situations when they are crossed because you are connected with yourself and recognise when you feel good and bad. You’re not going to put yourself in an ongoing situation where someone detracts from your life and your self-esteem levels.
4. The core thread of boundaries and human behaviour within relationships is acceptance and rejection of behaviour
I have said many times before that establishing patterns of behaviour in relationships comes down to acceptance and rejection. If you don’t do one, you do the other.
When something happens in your relationship that crosses the boundary lines or nudges it, this is acting as a warning signal.
At this point, what you do with this warning signal is pivotal because it teaches the other party about how you will handle the situation and them in this instance, and it is likely to give an indicator of other things that you’re likely to accept.
If you reject the behaviour, the other party has 3 options:
Respect your boundaries and the fact that you don’t feel what they have done is appropriate and not repeat it again.
Opt out because it is apparent to them that if they can’t cross this boundary, the relationship is not going to work for them because you’re not the type of person that accepts poor behaviour - you have to realise that certain types of men NEED an all accepting woman and they move on to someone with lower self-esteem.
Pretend that they respect your boundaries…and then attempt to cross the boundary at a later point. You need to reject the behaviour every single time although the fact that they keep doing it is a signal that you need to opt out.
If you accept the behaviour that has crossed your boundaries (and keep accepting it and others that no doubt follow), regardless of what comes out of your mouth, you tell them that you’re OK with this behaviour and the boundary is not worth the mental piece of paper that is written on.
We spend too much time being obsessed with the overall act of being accepted as a person and avoiding rejection that we don’t see the wood for the trees because you’re more worried about him rejecting you and choosing someone else, than you are about what type of behaviour you’ve been deeming acceptable in your relationships.
What we also fail to realise, is that particularly with Mr Unavailable’s and a**clown where many a woman has found herself feeling rejected by their failure to treat them decently and what that does and doesn’t mean, is that in the end, if you let your self-esteem prevail and reject their crappy offerings and boundary crossings, it’s YOU doing the rejecting, NOT them. Don’t get things twisted!
This is a good one...
There’s no point in saying ‘I am a woman of high self-esteem’ as you bemoan the behaviour of a man who is crossing your boundaries because if you’ve been letting poor relationship behaviour slide, it is an indicator that something is very wrong. If you were a woman of high self-esteem, or even average levels, you’d have shown the guy the door when it became apparent that the only way a relationship was going to happen with him is if he was allowed to cross the boundary lines on a permanent basis.
If you start treating yourself decently, it will not only become more natural to have boundaries, but it won’t kill you to act upon situations when they are crossed because you are connected with yourself and recognise when you feel good and bad. You’re not going to put yourself in an ongoing situation where someone detracts from your life and your self-esteem levels.
4. The core thread of boundaries and human behaviour within relationships is acceptance and rejection of behaviour
I have said many times before that establishing patterns of behaviour in relationships comes down to acceptance and rejection. If you don’t do one, you do the other.
When something happens in your relationship that crosses the boundary lines or nudges it, this is acting as a warning signal.
At this point, what you do with this warning signal is pivotal because it teaches the other party about how you will handle the situation and them in this instance, and it is likely to give an indicator of other things that you’re likely to accept.
If you reject the behaviour, the other party has 3 options:
Respect your boundaries and the fact that you don’t feel what they have done is appropriate and not repeat it again.
Opt out because it is apparent to them that if they can’t cross this boundary, the relationship is not going to work for them because you’re not the type of person that accepts poor behaviour - you have to realise that certain types of men NEED an all accepting woman and they move on to someone with lower self-esteem.
Pretend that they respect your boundaries…and then attempt to cross the boundary at a later point. You need to reject the behaviour every single time although the fact that they keep doing it is a signal that you need to opt out.
If you accept the behaviour that has crossed your boundaries (and keep accepting it and others that no doubt follow), regardless of what comes out of your mouth, you tell them that you’re OK with this behaviour and the boundary is not worth the mental piece of paper that is written on.
We spend too much time being obsessed with the overall act of being accepted as a person and avoiding rejection that we don’t see the wood for the trees because you’re more worried about him rejecting you and choosing someone else, than you are about what type of behaviour you’ve been deeming acceptable in your relationships.
What we also fail to realise, is that particularly with Mr Unavailable’s and a**clown where many a woman has found herself feeling rejected by their failure to treat them decently and what that does and doesn’t mean, is that in the end, if you let your self-esteem prevail and reject their crappy offerings and boundary crossings, it’s YOU doing the rejecting, NOT them. Don’t get things twisted!
This is a good one...
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gypsykisses: now when someone has a tragic problem in their relationship--we can just direct them to this thread and they can sort it all out. Thank you Hugz... it is your job to remember the name of the thread though...
Well I have the site bookmarked so all they have to do is ask...I need all the help I can get when it comes do relationships doll...
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Hugz_n_Kissez: Well I have the site bookmarked so all they have to do is ask...I need all the help I can get when it comes do relationships doll...
I am purrrfect in that respect!!!!
I give up
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gypsykisses: I am purrrfect in that respect!!!!
I give up
I give up
No don't give up...but don't accept anything short of healthy either....
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Hugz_n_Kissez: No don't give up...but don't accept anything short of healthy either....
See the whole problem with that is, you get a bit comfortable with someone - like the woman said - in 2 months, then you find things out that you didn't realize initially. So...I am tired of the 2 month surprise...it has happened a few times to me and I give up. 
For me, that is the healthiest way to go. ------ This thread is Archived ------
gypsykisses: I am purrrfect in that respect!!!!
I give up
(waves hand dismissively) Ahhhhhhhh hang in there kiddo!!I give up
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I don't know about one of those "OXY"moron thingies, but an "emotionally" available man surely has to be more a "moron" thingy...What woman in her right mind would want an emotional wreck who cries like a baby every time she leaves him for another guy...?
roseofsharon: Emotionally available man?? Is that one of those oxymoron thingies?!!
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sambhava: I don't know about one of those "OXY"moron thingies, but an "emotionally" available man surely has to be more a "moron" thingy...What woman in her right mind would want an emotional wreck who cries like a baby every time she leaves him for another guy...?
That's not what it means...it means someone who lets on they want to commit to you...yet never has any intention of it...and the worm turns when you start believing them and expect them to step up to the plate and put action behind their words and actually commit...it's an emotional and psychological head-game is what it is....
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I didn't...the blog lady did and she uses that phrase quite often...she's English I believe and too cool....