Divorcing mindsets..... (9)

Afternoon folk's..

How do you divorce a mindset..?

Say for example you seperate from your partener and there is kids involved but for the welfare of the kids you decide to remain friends with your ex..but your ex wants all the fringe benifits.

Now you want to move on and construct a new life with someone, take time out or what ever but like I said your other half wants to play happy families ( during birthdays, easter, Chrimbo)..You know it's wrong..Would you still put up with act, for your kids to have 'memories of a normal family' or would you draw a line under the sand and say 'sorry, but we are a couple any more'...

It could (divorcing mindsets) be changing your politcal views.

How do you divorce your mind from a situ????

Fortunately my kids were grown up when my ex and I separated so
I´ve never been in that situation.

I suppose this only happens when just one of the divorced couple has met someone new, if both have new people in their lives it would come down to taking turns, sharing time with the kids no?

As you say though, it is an "act" and kids aren´t stupid, so I really don´t think you can say by reluctantly agreeing to be together at Xmas etc would give any sense of normality in the long term.

Does that make sense?

I don’t know how, but…

…I’m convinced that adult people are deceiving themselves only when they claim that they want to pretend as nothing happened for children’s sake.

If children are small they sense the situation from the air, exactly as animal kids, say wolf-puppies. They are not old enough to get right bearings in the adult world, but their instincts are not yet suppressed by knowledge and experience, and it allows them to feel the falseness in their parents’ relationship.

But if children are old enough then all your attempts to “play the family as nothing happened” will make you cheap in their eyes. They not only feel and sense, they also see and hear what’s going around. And I think that can bring a lot of uncertainty into their lives.

Much better to talk to them and explain the situation, and perhaps introduce your new partner to them (and to your previous partner). Your never know, they may like each other.

That's kinda my angle too...



loads....



I agree with most of what you say ...but your point on being looked on as cheap by your kids when they get older...doubt it..I'd like to think that the parent did their best under the circumstances.



I've already said 'YOU' know's it wrong...And how can it work???

<I agree with most of what you say ...but your point on being looked on as cheap by your kids when they get older...doubt it..I'd like to think that the parent did their best under the circumstances.>

I meant that when parents are lying and pretending, playing some unworthy game, it can be regarded as cheap by the children. And I don’t think that it’s the best under the circumstances. Don’t they already see that the relationship isn’t the same as before between their mother and father? To say as it is would be better. From my experience, children prefer certainty even if it’s not pleasant. Adjustment to a new situation will be quicker and less painful for them when they know what it is about.

my friends parents stayed together while she was growing up,in order to give her some security.i witnessed she had the opposite,she was afraid to leave the house and unable to voice her fears as a child.but as an adult told me she was afraid she would go home to find one or both parents had left for good.

kids pick up on tension,whatever you do,and if they don't know the reason for it,will have unexplainable emotions they cant deal with.
i believe things should be explained to them as honestly as possible.i also try to give them power to decide things that effect them,while explaining pros and cons as much as possible.

personally if at an age to understand,id explain the situation of the relationship being over,but also explain that you want them to have a good holiday and would they prefer to spend it separately with each parent or together.take it one celebration at a time,and occasionally celebrate separately so the children see that this is also a pleasant way to spend special occasions.

this will also ease them into celebrating with each parent separately should you decide to on a regular basis.

my parenting methods work well for me and my kids so far-but this is just my opinion..