Just remembered the time, many years ago now, after one of those weeks of hot weather we used to have and it started to rain, warm rain and a young lady friend and I went for a walk in it, we were soaked to the skin but it was a sensation that is difficult to describe unless you've done it yourself.
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
I was married the second time for 30 years Pedro, I thought I knew her but obviously not but we parted on good terms, no nastiness if you know what I mean.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Loss of self-control. Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred. Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying. Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault: You have fallen over backwards. Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. Fault: You have fallen over forwards. Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim. Fault: The pub is closing. Solution: Panic.
There are soooooooo many Pedro, very difficult to name just one but apart from all the 'Kings' films, I suppose 'Serendipity' is one of my favourites. I'm an old softy really!!
I think you have something there Celticeyes, if you've seen 'The Rain Man' it shows how some disabilities can increase the power of the brain in some amazing ways.
I was in Belfast last week- I asked a local man is there a B+Q in Belfast After a long pause he replied I know there's a B but I don't tink there's a Q---
?50 ways to leave your lover..........the song says "jump on the bus gus" etc etc!.....how would you leave?.... Rhyming, funnier the better & of course rude.. I'll start with a clean unfunny one....."just runaway Ray"
I didn't mean to give the impression that she needed one Andrea, I was just asking why MY wishes for donating my organs would be questioned if I died, yet not if I was still alive. I always thought that ones dying wishes should be respected.
Oh yes Phoenix, must be a female duck, male one's tend to be rather tough and can lead to cronic indigestion. I think/hope Spain thrash the French but you know the French.....Do they 'Cheat' one asks?
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