Are there clothes in dresser? ---------- ----------- ------------------- | Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | |clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random | | dresser? | |the hamper?|---------->|piles on the floor?| ---------- ----------- ------------------- | Yes | Yes | Yes | No +------------------------------------ V | ------- V | Buy | --------------- | more | | Take whatever | |clothes| | is on top | ------- --------------- ----------------------- | | | V V | -------- No --------- ----------- | Is |------------>| Perform | "Ohmigosh" | Spray | | it | Not sure | smell |------------->| with | | clean? |------------>| test | | deodorant | -------- --------- ----------- | Yes | "Not bad" +-------------------- | V -------------- --------- |For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | holes? |----------------->| visible?|-------- -------------- --------- | | No | No V +------------------------------ ------------- | |Place item on| | | dirty pile; | | | start over | | ------------- V --------- ------------ ---------------------- | Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes | But would you rather | |wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| have a tick on your | --------- ------------ | eyeball than iron a | | No | No | shirt? | | | ---------------------- | | | Yes +------------------------------------------------ | V -------- Kinda ------- ----------- | Does |------------------>| Is it | No | Seek the | | it | "Does it what?" | dark |------->| advice of | | match? |------------------>| out? | | a female | -------- ------- ----------- | Yes | Yes +-------------------------- | V ---------- | Put on | | clothes! | ----------
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
2. The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.
4. If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.
7. If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8. The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
9. The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
10. The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the female's being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female.
14. The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
15. The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or co-workers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
16. If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviours she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behaviour.
17. Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not- withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defences, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.
Some Christmas gift ideas for that special man in your life!!!!!!!
Gifts for Men
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word "ratchet" or "socket" on it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car: a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are "earthy."
Rule #7: Buy men label-makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook, although they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.
Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:
First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to "bond" with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make you look fat."
What woman would be caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. Also, men don't care if they would get covered with ashes and soot while sliding down the chimney.
And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair. Besides, she-Santa would not go out without makeup.
If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. And she would never wear a hat because it would mess up her hair.
The tradition is for cookies and milk to be left for Santa on Christmas Eve. If Santa were a woman, the tradition would be chocolates and Latte's. Also, a male Santa would judiciously takes a bite from each cookie to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole darn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor.
Santa doesn't need to ask directions. A female Santa would get her directions from landmarks. Up in the sky there are no landmarks and no place to ask directions. Besides, she-Santa would never go out driving in the snow and rain at night. She would make Mr. Claus do it and then complain about the way he drove.
She-Santa would never say "HO HO HO". She would analyze it too much and think it was somehow demeaning.
Would any self respecting female Santa really be seen wearing the SAME outfit year after year? No, she would have to have a new one each year. And red would not be the color. It would be more like pink or purple.
She-Santa would not clean up the mess that the deer make. Like you are going to make the deer wait until they get back to the North Pole? Men have years of training with dogs.
- Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
- Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
- Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
- A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
- Women come in all sizes, in all colours and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
- The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
- They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN:
- Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and sometimes killing spiders.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost in the snow and clouds, and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.
Dominion is the legal title conferred on Canada in the Constitution of Canada, namely the Constitution Act, 1867 (British North America Acts), and describes the resulting political union. Specifically, the preamble of the BNA Act indicates:
Whereas the Provinces of Canada, Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick have expressed their Desire to be federally united into One Dominion under the Crown of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, with a Constitution similar in Principle to that of the United Kingdom ... and, furthermore, sections 3 and 4 indicate that the provinces:
... shall form and be One Dominion under the Name of Canada; and on and after that Day those Three Provinces shall form and be One Dominion under that Name accordingly.
Unless it is otherwise expressed or implied, the Name Canada shall be taken to mean Canada as constituted under this Act.
In 1982 Canada formally patriated it's own Constitution and is no longer subject to the British Crown!!!!!!!!!
Hey we have no more official ties with the Queen she is only a symbol now of the old ties between Canada and Britain and has been since we patriated our own Constitution im 1982....SOOOOOOOOOOOOO UMMMMMMMMM I'll leave it to you English to pay even more taxes to build her royal residences!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I guess we would be a pair of ignorami....grammatically speaking and in keeping with our rigourous attempt at slaughtering the English language just for fun!!!!!!!!
For tasers supposedly being safe...there are an aweful lot of deaths!!!!!!!!!! In the beginning they explained the deaths away by saying the person probably had cocaine or some other kind of drug in their system at the time they were tasered..BUT I hardly think with all the deaths that have occurred this is the case...I don't think they studied these tasers very well before they began to use them!!!!!!!
Not to mention they should be used as a last resort as an alternative to lethal force...BUT they seemed to be being utilized for standard arrest and control....That's akin to pulling out one's gun each time someone is arrested....Something definitely needs to be done...NOT just on an individual basis...BUT on a national basis!!!!!!!!!
I don't know why people feel the need to play head games...Maybe it's an ego thing!!!!!!!!!
Maybe they keep a tally of the amount of people that fall in love with them and they crush with their cruel actions...Either way it's the actions of a sick person...Be glad he's no longer in your life....He is obviously a demented coward who never had any intention of meeting you!!!!!!!!!!
Hugz_n_Kissez Forum Posts (25,438)
RE: Exclusive dating
Congrats...Nice to see two people not afraid to take a chance on each other...That's what it's all about!!!!!!!!Good Luck and All the Best to you both!!!!!!!!!