It does play a part sure but its part of a way to break the other person down....victim blaming itself isn't the end game...the end game is having that person so broke down via various methods that the abuser can be in full control...its all mind games and manipulation....
Blame
Blame is the foundation of domestic violence. While it may be theoretically possible to dominate another person without using blame, such as in a prison, in a domestic relationship, blame is essential to both implement and disguise power and control.
Blame is placing the entire responsibility for one’s unpleasant actions, consequences, and feelings on another person or external event, and insisting that others agree. Airing a grievance is not necessarily blame if the injured party still takes responsibility for their own actions. Primary aggressors are recognizable by the primacy that the act of blaming plays in their relationships. Survivors may not recognize the relentlessness and the controlling function of blame. They may believe that the primary aggressor is trying to help them or the relationship by bringing flaws into focus.
In reality it is not possible to productively address any issue with blame because at least one partner is not taking responsibility. The purpose of blame is to weaken the partner, and blame often erupts most strongly when the survivor is acting independently or strongly. Blame may also be practiced somewhat indirectly (see the list below).
Less Obvious Ways to Blame
•Constantly shifting the focus onto the survivor’s behaviors. This is the core maneuver of an abusive relationship.
•Taking on the role of 'victim.'. Results in life are mostly the consequences of one's choices, with a little bit of other people’s actions thrown in. To be a victim is to ignore the one's ability to make choices, and insist that other peoples’ choices are all that matter.
•Talking about all the things done for the survivor, which at a minimum blames the other for being ungrateful and exploitative. It is like an attempt to obligate the other person to respond the way the primary aggressor wants, which is controlling.
•Insisting that interpersonal conflict has a “right” and a “wrong” to it, and explaining in a pressured way how one is right. This is an attempt to make any difference or disagreement into an injury against the primary aggressor.
•Feeling and acting entitled. If done well enough, the survivor’s not giving what is wanted starts to look like an injury to the primary aggressor.
•Feigning compassion and understanding for the survivor, and then going on and on about how their outrageous behavior exceeds the primary aggresor's otherwise huge capacity to forgive. This is still changing the focus to the survivor’s behavior and acting the victim.
•Labeling the other person’s point of view ‘crazy,’ or irrational. This can be done to any disagreeing point of view, but often is used to discount another person’s feelings or perceptions. Men are more likely to label a woman’s feelings crazy.
•Talking endlessly about reasons, but avoiding talking about actions. This is called justifying. Everyone has ‘good’ reasons for what they do, including violence. Actions, however, are how control is maintained in an abusive relationship.
I am thankful to have such an awesome neighbor...he has helped me out twice in my time of need and both times involved a stuck car.....thanks awesomeness.....
I am responsible for nothing outside of myself....
PROFILE OF AN ABUSER
Overview of Common Character Traits
• Jealousy and may often imagine his partner is having affairs. • Tries to isolate his partner. • Tries to control his partner. • Jekyll and Hyde personality. • May have other problems with the law. • Explosive temper and may fly into a rage without provocation. • Tell his partner it is all her fault and projects own faults onto wife. • Verbal assault (insults, putdowns, slanderous names) in addition to physical assault. • Comes from a family where violence was practiced. • May be more violent when partner is pregnant or soon after giving birth. • Denies the beatings or their severity or seems not to remember. • Will do whatever it takes to drive her away, then whatever it takes to get her back:
grab the children or apologize profusely, send her flowers, cry real tears, promise anything, and he knows exactly what she wants to hear: "I'll go to church with you" " I'll go to counseling" "I'll stop drinking " "I'll never hurt you again".......
Once the partner returns, performance is repeated: whatever it takes to drive her away, followed by whatever it takes to get her back. tim blaming is just one subset of a number things that point to an abuser....
I dunno...we could sit here and debate about it all night or you use your gut...figure it out and do something about it...in fact that could have been done in the time it took you to open cs and do this thread.....
That's because people need to wake up...most are going through life half asleep and just trudging through the grind every day....mind you being awake is no easy feat either because you see everything and every one for exactly as it is and they are...that's not easy and for most its better living in the illusion.....
Yeah...its a pretty kewllllll site....been there done that miwagi and have spent years unindoctrinating myself....so I know I am not or cant be again.....what I am best at is deprogramming actually....
M4_Mischief Forum Posts (6,250)
RE: Glorious
I cant believe I let lookin indoctrinate me onto that bus.......