offbeat58 Forum Posts (1,126)

RE: take one - add one---part 2

together again

THE DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

There is nothing quite like Canadian women...and I say that in full earnest lest I get slapped!

RE: Your best joke or favourite humour

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'



The doctor quickly responded,

'$5,000 for a male brain;


$200 for a female brain.'




The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women ..


A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'




The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

ARE YOU A MAN OR A WOMAN?

QUIZ :

ARE YOU A MAN OR A WOMAN?

NOT SURE?

HAVE A LOOK FURTHER DOWN TO FIND OUT...

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NOT IN THIS POST YOU IDIOT!!

RE: I've had it up to here!!!!!!

They won't...but it sures makes it harder for the rest of us to gain someones trust

RE: take one - add one---part 2

play station

RE: take one - add one---part 2

skipping work

THE DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

You're bang on there. Nobody should be subservient to another.

RE: Too overweight to date?

First off you look just fine to me. I don't know what is wrong with those 2 guys you were with...but good riddance. I would date you, but it looks like you are moving to BC now?

THE DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

Canadian girls are greeeeeeeeaaaaaaatttt!!!

THE DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

The first man married a woman from Mexico. He told her that
she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from America. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

THE DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL

The first man married a woman from Mexico. He told her that
she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from America. He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he pees.

RE: And then the fight got started.

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:

Definitely not!

WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:

Of course I do.

WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:

Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.


...and then the fight started

RE: Your best joke or favourite humour

A woman found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms...."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.....",

to which the druggist replied:

"Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

Irish confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a
dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.
Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time
since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

RE: Which Cartoon Character Are You?

Well he has "Reggie"

RE: lets give our support to weeboomboom

Hang in there M...you are only small in stature

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.Dear Dad:It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.But I knew you would not approve of her
because of all her piercing,tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.Stacy said that we will be very happy.She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that
marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.Love, Your Son Gary
PS. Dad,none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.I love you.Call me when it's safe to come home

Bubba

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Obama," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

RE: What's The Weather Like In Your Area?

Yes...just what was that about global warming again?
-13C and snowing

RE: Would you date the person above you?

When you get up tomorrow morning I will have the coffee on...pop in

RE: Would you date the person above you?

There you have it! I'll even take you out for dinner...after all you need something to go with that coffee

RE: Would you date the person above you?

I will buy you all the coffee you want

RE: Would you date the person above you?

I will buy you all the coffe you want

RE: Who likes role playing?

I want to play with "navygirl1"...I'll be the "Rear Admiral"

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH??

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten! up, I' m going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11 My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19 My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

RE: And then the fight got started.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...


And then the fight started....

RE: And then the fight got started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.


My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'


'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'


'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started...

RE: Would you date the person above you?

In a heart beat

RE: Finish the sentence...

Had to get my chores done around the house...shopping, laundry(yawn)...can't be fun all the time