Finally, don’t take out your vendetta with your last date on your new date. If you allow yourself to be blinded by the bitterness of a past relationship, you are going to mess up the present and be at a disadvantage with the future. It may not sound like it, but there are still well intentioned men and women out there. If you get aggressive with your new partner and continuously compare them with the last person, you might bring out the worst in them. That is your fault, not theirs. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt and let them prove themselves for who they really are.
I have a lady friend whose attitude is, she is looking for a friend. She erroneously believes there are no more good men out there, but she is willing to settle for good friendship. Not a bad start, if you ask me. What is the worst that can happen? If she meets a friend who eventually has what it takes to become a husband, great. If she doesn’t, her hopes are not dashed. Either way, she wins. That, if you ask me is the right attitude. All the best, friends…Happy dating.
Dupes. How about them? I have always maintained that in order to be duped on the Internet, you have to be foolish, greedy or both. It is wrong to want to reap where you did not sow, or take advantage of others. However, the person who is hoping to assist a criminal to get away with stolen stash and for personal gain is not a saint either. We only get to hear their cry after they have been duped. Who did they tell when they were hoping to make millions off a stranger on the Internet? No easy money anywhere. Work for your money. Don’t expect any manna from heaven and you will be free of Internet fraudsters asking for your bank accounts and all that.
I am of the opinion that, given the way the society is, our work schedules and myriad of activities we have choked ourselves with, the Internet presents the easiest and safest way of meeting a potential partner. There are a few sensible steps to take and you can have a ball with Internet dating.
Be realistic. Don’t expect too much or too soon. Any form of dating is about knowing the other person, and it takes a while. It is a process. Don’t let pressure from family and friends make you do what you ought not to, or enter into a relationship just to meet their expectation. You may or may not meet your future partner here, but you can make other life friends here. People come into your life for diverse reasons. You have other friends of the opposite sex but you are not married to all of them, right? But these are people you can talk to if you need to talk to someone; or call to help you move, if you are relocating; or ask advice about some things you have no clue how to handle. I have made some friends on the Internet over time. We still talk and share ideas. They have no problems calling me if they need help and vice versa. Whatever you do, don’t put yourself under the pressure to meet someone and make it work at all cost. I read people’s profile and they say it has to be “serious”; “if you are a player, just stay away”, and so on. Players will not admit it to you; neither will they stay away because you said so. Just relax and face them with a level head. You are likely to spot them faster that way and what you do after that is up to you. Women often spot players but refuse to let them go because they think they have at least found someone, or they think they are in love.
Unlike the person you met at the grocery shop, every person on most dating site must say upfront what they are looking for and whether it is serious or not. Whether it is the truth or not is another matter altogether, but at least you have a starting point. No guesses. Someone may say they are looking for something serious in the beginning but you found out later that they only wanted to play. Again, at least you knew they wanted something. In other words, those who don’t want drenching splashes should not go near the river.
Talk with this person as often and as long as possible, but listen and listen good. Don’t get carried away with telling the story of your life and listening to his, to the point that you are not really listening to him/her. You will be amazed at how much people give away about themselves in conversations without realizing it. But if you are not really listening, you will miss out on these very vital clues. So, when you listen, “listen between the lines”. As soon as you have gathered enough clues about this person to be able to make initial determination, decide what you want to do. Do you want to take it further or you want to cut them off? If they are not the kind of people you want in your life, let them know that you are not into them, and cut them off. If they call, ignore. Most people with self respect will stop calling if you ignore their calls a few times. If they don’t, they just confirmed your suspicion about their personality. The good thing is, no one is able to do you any harm through the phone. We all receive junk calls from marketers and all we do is ignore them, right? Some phones allow you to block them these days. As a rule on my phone, all calls from people not in my address book go to voicemail. Some may think that is drastic, but it is the way I have some peace from anonymous and unwanted callers.
Next, if you feel you are talking to the “right person”, and you want to take it up a notch, then arrange a video chat, if possible. There are quite a few of them out there these days. Skype and most web based email clients will let you video chat for free. The purpose of this is to confirm, and to build on what you have learned so far about this person. See about using video chat a few times before the physical meeting. You will be surprised what you can learn about this person through their appearance and surrounding. For instance, this person sounds really nice when you were on the phone with them, and even now on video chat, but for instance, there is a framed picture in the background that says, “I am a proud Satanist”. It is up to you to decide whether a Satanist is your idea of a future partner or not. If it is not working for you, call it off.
If you are still feeling this person, arrange a meet. It may sound redundant, but please don’t go to their house or bring them to yours, unless you are absolutely sure it is what you want to do. It should not be a surprise that you end up sleeping with each other over the weekend. It is natural. Please don’t complain about it afterwards because you saw it coming. You are both grown adults and you were not raped. If the relationship fails after the sex session, be mature and deal with it. You simply could have avoided it by not spending the night at his or her place. A meeting at an open place like a restaurant, coffee shop, park or movie theatre is better. Going to each other’s place is a step you should take ONLY after you are convinced it is what you want to do, because you know what it might lead to.
If you have noticed something you don’t like about this person; which does not agree with you or gives you the jitters, don’t downplay it. Don’t think you can change a grown person. You are not God. A lot of people have made this mistake and paid dearly for it. If it is not right now, it will not get any better later. If he is already a chain smoker and you don’t like to be with one, don’t fool yourself into thinking you can make him stop. If she is already a heavy drinker, she may even become a heavier drinker down the road. So, don’t start it if you cannot finish it.
The next thing is to reach out. It does not matter whether you are a man or woman. You see someone that “rings your bell”, reach out to them. What is the worst that can happen? It is possible they have not noticed your presence. Don’t forget there are a lot of people on the Internet (of both sexes), and contrary to your imagination, the world does not revolve around you. It is your responsibility to make yourself visible to your “target” and others that even you, have not noticed. No one lights a candle, then covers it with a bucket. Be visible.
Communicate. Get talking. I shake my head every time I see people trying to avoid communication even though they are on a dating site. How does that work?! The fastest way of knowing someone is by spending time with them and observing their values. I will say though that, it is foolish to rush to go meet someone you just met on the Internet without first getting to know them from afar a bit. If as a lady, a guy asks for your phone number, you have nothing to lose by giving it. Just make sure it is your mobile phone number. I don’t recommend giving your home phone number to a stranger because it can tell them where you live, and you don’t want to do that just yet. Mobile phone numbers does not say much, except that you got it from a particular state or province. You can live in Texas and have a mobile phone number from Kentucky; or live in Ontario and have a mobile phone number from Alberta, and so on. It takes a lot to pin point your location using your mobile phone signals, unless you are one of those people asking your apps to trace you and tell people where you are and what you are doing. In that case, you have no reason to want to hide, right? You are already broadcasting your location and activities anyway. In any case, if you are giving out your phone number, it is safer to give out your mobile phone number than your home phone number.
There are all sorts of comments and positions out there on why people should stay away from online dating. Top on the list is the safety concern. People have met serial rapists and killers online. How about dupes? There are those who only want to separate you from your money, and they are online. Then, you also have those who think dating online makes you appear “cheap” or “desperate”.
What are the basics? As long as people have need for affection and companionship, there will always be the need for dating. Those who say online dating makes one appear cheap or desperate are not in disagreement with the position that the need to date exists. They are only of the opinion that the traditional ways of meeting trumps the online method, but I beg to disagree.
Inasmuch as there is nothing tragically wrong with the traditional methods so called, this is 2015, and a lot of social dynamics have thrown up newer and more efficient ways of meeting potential partners. Not everyone wants to do the bar route; picking up total strangers for the night. That carries a lot of risks along with it, plus, not everyone drinks. If you therefore do not drink or smoke, you may not find the bar route very helpful.
It is still OK to be introduced to potential partners, but not everyone wants to do it because some of them think, if it doesn’t work, they will get the blame, especially since people have all sorts of values these days and a lot of which may not be known to the “introducer”, but which may shock the person meeting the “introducee”. It can be a source of embarrassment down the road. At the same time and possibly for the same reason, this pool of people worthy of being introduced is rather dry. It is not the most fertile ground for sowing the seeds of relationships.
There are the possibilities of meeting people while out grocery shopping. Granted that people out shopping may be single, but it is never written on the forehead and not every married person wears the ring. You are therefore left to first wonder if he or she is taken. If you can reasonably deduce they are free and available, then you can make a move; by which time the magic may have passed, unless you both went “grocery shopping” for the sole purpose of meeting someone.
Pants are comfortable and "safe" for women, especially those who do a lot of climbing and so on. It is also possible for them to look sexy in pants. Still, though, there is something about a woman in skirts that is both compelling and appealing.
In my days in journalism school, "news" was described as being like a woman's skirt; short enough to arouse interest, but long enough to cover the subject matter. Hmmmn.
Some women prefer pants for utility purposes; others wear them for fashion. A lady told me it gives her a sense of being in control. Whatever that means. Some others do not even wear pants at all for religious reasons.
I have nothing against women in pants or why they wear them. It is a free world. Still, mini, midi or maxi, there is
something about a woman in skirts...
Privacy and security in 2014 and beyond. You cannot have your cake and still eat it. We all love privacy but if we are at the same time asking for security, some elements of privacy must go.
Isn't it amazing how people put their entire life on Facebook and other social media, but groan when the NSA monitors their email? Anyone interested can know when you wake up; who your friends are; where and when you have your first cup of coffee; your entire itinerary day by day. You even check in to let it be known that you are now there. People with bad intentions don't even need to hack anything. They only need to follow you on social media. But we expect the law enforcement agencies to broadcast everything they do to keep us safe. Asking us to conduct our intelligence in the full glare of the public, in the name of transparency, does not make sense.
The terrorists, and everyone that stands to be at a disadvantage from efficient intelligence gathering cannot afford to sit back and watch while they are boxed into a corner and unable to carry out their nefarious activities. They fight back, but not by stating their real intentions. All they need do is pretend to be on the side of the people and claim to be fighting for the preservation of people’s rights (even though some are genuinely interested in privacy). That makes them look like saints while at the same time achieving their overall goals. For instance, who stands to benefit when phone calls and emails cannot be monitored? It is more in the interest of the bad guys that the law enforcement agencies cannot monitor these things.
It has been established over time that with unchecked power comes the tendency for abuse. Still, how are the law enforcement agencies going to be able to track bad guys? Immediately after 9/11, nearly everyone agreed on the need to do whatever it takes to bring down the terrorists. But we seem to have forgotten. Even those who were merely carrying out orders have been under fire lately for interrogation tactics; a subject that would not have come up a few days after 9/11!
Before any mass-casualty incident happens, the perpetrator would have displayed signs of the impending disaster, but no one is able to do anything about it. If they did, they would be labelled as intolerant, or suppressing the rights of the individual(s), including privacy and free speech among others. So, everyone waits until the damage is done, then they "wonder how we missed" the signs.
The bottom line is, if we really want security, we have to sacrifice some degree of privacy along the line. This quest for unbridled privacy amounts to giving the bad guys the license to commit evil first, then look for who to blame it on later.
She stole my heart away
Sneaked in sure but not astray
She must have known all along
Several others, but she was among
What air of self confidence!
No, she is not guilty of negligence
She set about her task with much efficiency
Not with an iota of dependency
Perhaps I was not on my guard
Aren’t thieves supposed to be bad?
Why like an angel this doth appear?
It really goes back in arrears
Just when I thought I was in charge
At my emotions, she threw the dart
That must be from cupid
And no, it’s not stupid
These things hit you like a force
With little understanding of love
You just know you are lost
In the wilderness of love
Oh, maybe its self deception
But still I wait in full reception
But even dreams do come true
Taking misery out of the blue
Crucible Blog (8)