lardzeppelin Blog

New Working Practices....

"The lunatics have taken over the asylum"....(Fun Boy Three)

So there it is...Im a machanic, and a pretty good one if i might say...
Fix cars!, yep, I can do that...indeed its been what i've done for the best part of 25 years...not much gets by me, and why should it...
Its just "tin and rubber", nothing complicated like "rocket science" or the like...And heres the thing...I still enjoy my work!...Can you say that?...
So what has happened today to make me think i should "get the hell out of dodge"...Ok, bare with me here, cos this is going to sound pretty f****d up...

My service manager, great guy that he is (and i do mean that) had the entire "after sales team" ( mecanics aint grease monkeys anymore), sat us down, and announced that "the company" has introduced a "personal self assesment" programme, in which we (the spanner jockeys) have to grade ourselves on a MONTHLY BASIS as to how WE think were performing within the company!...

Rearrange these words into a well known phrase or saying "bollocks utter"...
For the love of god, my collegues and i fix cars...if i want to be analysed ill go to a f*****g shrink....Think about this for a moment, at a labour rate of 60 euros an hour ( of which i see around 12 of them) , it takes around 10 of your earth minutes to do this "self assesment" shit...thats money off your bill...Happy with that are you?...Me, Id be going puce at the thought...

So, whats on the list, oh your gonna like this!...
Do I "make the right diagnosis first time"
Am I productive enough....
Am I flexible enough with my work hours....
Am I punctual...
Do I have company and business focus...
Am I tidy in my workspace....
Am I presentable in my appearance....
Am I full and accurate in all my warranty reports....
And there are others that i cant remember due to not having this form to hand...

Ok, I get the whole thing of "yearly assesment"...Its reasonable for a company to keep tabs on employee progress...But every f*****g month?....
Please, do me a favour....I earn little more than a checkout assistant at Tesco....
Somewhere in a cosy office there is some clueless f**k wit on 45k a year thinking out ways to slow down my progress and your car repairs...
It used to be so easy, find the problem, fix the car, hand it back to the customer, repeat the same process till going home time....
Think its just the police and the medical profession getting bogged down in needless paperwork?....Think again!....
To paraphrase Peter Finch in "Network", "Im mad as hell", but i aint got a choice if i want to keep my job....
Bring on the "Gods of common sense"....PLEASE!........

Transmission ends....Lard...

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Mar 2011
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Dispatches from the Vertically Challenged...

..."You are what you iz"...Frank Zappa (1982)...

Food, cant live without it, cant live with it either...
So, just a brief bit about the love and hate affair that still goes on!...
As a kid, 6 years old, I was stick thin, and i have the photos to proove it, there worth keeping for me to look back on and wonder where it went so very wrong, well, not wrong so much as what might have been, had my mother not raised me as my sister had started...The thing is , i dont remember having a love affair with food, it was just food!, nothing fancy, there were not the massive options of edible junk that we have access to today, in fact, the nearest i came to junk food would have been a milky bar. (god, i loved those little fella's)...
Anyway, i digress, somehow, and completely oblivious to me, i was visited by the "fat fairey" in my sleep...One day, beanpole!, and without good reason and inside a timeframe only Einstien could figure out, I became FAT!...Dammit, Thin was good, in so far as i could remember it...I dont mean to blaspheme, but why does a benificent God visit fattness on a good little boy?...Well, we now know the "fat fairey" is just a figment of our imaginations, a bit like the monster under the bed...Its genetics, and biology threw its usual curve ball and guess who got in the way, yep, yours truely...
So, whats this got to do with food?, truth, absolutely nothing at all, I just wanted to let you know i was once very thin, and some day, heaven knows when, you might see some photos of a skinny kid and say, "whos that in the "thunderbirds" hat", ill have to admit, "It was me, and genetics didnt like me"...
At that, you'll probibly give me a hug and tell me, "it will be alright, they can work wonders these days with gastric bypasses"...
But really, who wants to go out for an indian meal and just eat a spoonfull before getting full, while they look across the table and see the other person tucking into a chicken and lobster tikka korhai with keema rice and a kulcha nann...
No more "Mr Rice Guy", I hardly think so!, Im a little bit short for my weight, experts say i should be eleventeen feet tall, they also say, "money cant buy you love"....Or was that the beatles?....
Transmission ends...

All the best...Lard...

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Feb 2011
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Dispatches from the dating arena...

...The Profile Question...

I cant speak for anyone else, but personal profiling is an art i have yet to master...Writing about "guff and nonsense" is to me, nearly as natural as drawing breath, but describing "ones self" is akin to trying to do the the Michael Jackson "moonwalk" wearing golf shoes (you know, the spikey ones)...
Its been some months in "Looking for love" land, and after six full re-writes and numerous "tweeks" i still hav'nt found who i am!, and so im languishing in a sort of profile "no mans land" so to speak...Ok, in fairness some of it has been born on the back end of a couple of dates and a handfull of "very nearly's", but i find I'm changing my expectations here on site with the onset of time and circumstance (as indeed im sure the same can be said for many)...Am i any less interested in finding that special someone, the answer would be no...Do i have less expecation of finding that person in the short to medium term, well the honest answer would have to be yes...Is this a problem?...Really, No its not, im prepaired for the "long game"...
........

So why is the profile still elusive?...

We are a complex animal, its reasonable to say that in evolving as people we connect readily to the tagline "a work in progress"...That being said, could some of us not make the leap forward from the typical "would like to meet" profile by numbers and "engage" in a more imaginative way with potentialy interested parties...To wit...(now the scarcastic bit!)...
I know your unique, you have fingerprints and D.N.A to support that statement, so, why not tell more about the real you...The you that others "really" want to know...
Let me be frank (if frank does'nt mind!), I dont drink wine in front of a roaring fire while watcing a DVD, I hate walking on the beach in a force 9 gale, I dont like gardening or dancing till my feet hurt, I would rather fill my ears with concrete than listen to country and western music...(now the genuine bit)...But i do go overboard for a profile with "depth"...I dont have to see your picture (although its always appreciated) to know wether or not im going to be interested in you...What I am saying is, a good "free text" is manna from heaven...
Ask youself, out there in the real world, what fires you up about a person?, is it the looks (which will fade inevitably with time), or the depth of character...Its a no brainer really...I know when the right one comes along (as she surely will), it will be her words and the pictures she paints with language that will reel me in...
So, in closing, the effort spent on profiling is, or should be time well spent...It is essentially the most important piece of writing any of us will ever do on a dating site...Whats the expression, ah yes..."you ony get one shot at a first impression"...thats no lie...
And with that said, I'm off for a coffee, a cigarette, and a notepad full of ideas......I WISH!...

Transmission ends...
..........

All the best...Lard...

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Jan 2011
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Dispatches / Music and lyrics...

Lyrics then and now...
...The perfect storm of creative art, is the combination of daring music, challenging time signatures and wildly immaginative lyrics...Music is a universal language, it crosses boundries and draws people of diverse ethnic backgrounds together...Thats pretty good going for something most of us take for granted....
As a kid growing up in the 60s I remember the music of the Beatles, Sergant Pepper, Abbey Road, et al,...but i had no idea then of the significance of the structure and story telling brilliance at work with this seminal group...It would be the midd 90s before my appreciation of there talent was fully realised...
Entering the early 70s, I happened upon a "cassette" (remember them!) by a british progressive rock band called Genesis...Its not unreasonable to say, this bands music was to my hearing not unlike i would have imagined a "lovers first kiss", ( it was to be some years later that my first girlfriend and i shared great times listening to "A trick of the tail")...the use of language and metre, the fantastic bredth of scope, and that all important willingness to take the music in directions that i could not, nor would not have expected, made "listening to music" an exciting journey of anticipation...
The music of the 70s was the very reason I eventually took up playing an instrument...I was inspired by greatness...Genesis continued to craft (and i use the term craft quite seriously) songs around stories, some whimscal, some with a fairytale quality, some amuzing, some sad, and some just downright epic...Below is a sample from there 1974 release, "The lamb lies down on broadway", the excerpt is from "broadway melody of 1974"....This, even if abstract is no less art...

Echoes of the broadway everglades,
With her mythical madonnas still walking in their shades:
Lenny bruce, declares a truce and plays his other hand.
Marshall mcluhan, casual viewin, head buried in the sand.
Sirens on the rooftops wailing, but theres no ship sailing.
Groucho, with his movies trailing, stands alone with his punchline
Failing.
Klu klux klan serve hot soul food and the band plays in the mood
The cheerleader waves her cyanide wand, theres a smell of
Peach blossom and bitter almonde.
Caryl chessman sniffs the air and leads the parade, he knows
In a scent, you can bottle all you made.
Theres howard hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the
Majorettes smoking winston cigarettes.
And as the song and dance begins, the children play at home
With needles; needles and pins.

That was then...The 70s, referred to by some as the decade taste forgot...The decade when musicians worked in the "music business"...Greg Lake of british prog rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer later went on to say when interviewed in the 90s, "the music business has become more business than music"...wise words from someone who has been in the creative loop for over 40 years...
So, where are we now?....Fast forward to the midd naughties and an "electro pop" outfit called Daft Punk...Ok, can you see where im going with this one?...I refer to that musical masterpiece, "around the world"....So dear reader, if you want to have the will to live crushed out of you, you can You tube these "titans" of creativity and then ask yourselves....Were the bands of yesteryear overweaningly pompus or was the art of music just that....Art...
So, in summery, The value of a good lyric has been for the most part sacrificed to serve the simple themes of todays popular consumption...Im truly sorry to say this has left much of what i hear sounding bland and souless, Lyrics are merely a vehicle for "vocal athletes" to show there ability and inspire a new generation of wannabe vocal clones...To hell with the beauty, passion and grace of the poetry of music that was so prevelant in a bygone age...Maybe the lyric will find favour again in time to come...But perhaps i had better not hold my breath!...
Transmission ends...
All the best...Lard..

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Jan 2011
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Dispatches from the utility room...

...Good evening fellow webbies...

"I'll be back", the immortal line uttered by Arnie as the terminator in the film franchise...
A scarey prediction of a time when machines will take over the world, with one purpose in mind...The total anhialation of all human life...
Schloky sci fi horror or a portent of what is to be?...
Sorry to say folks, but the future is now!, the machines are taking over...Not in a Terminator / flying HK (hunter killer) / half track gun carrier stylee...But in the black and white goods we buy to do our daily bidding!...
Once upon a time there was domestic bliss in the Lard house, laundry was done without fear or favour, toast was toasted and water was "kettled", all was fine and dandy....untill!...
My beloved Indiset washing machine of 10 years gave up the ghost, collapsed centre bearing the doctor said, nothing could be done he said, they dont make the parts anymore he said...
So, what to do?...A shiney new machine was the order of the day, and like all webbites, I did my research, what spin, how much load, energy efficiency, and of course...ease of use!...
What could possibly go wrong?, 'mmmmm, (and theres always an 'mmmmm in stories like this)...
Well, I chose a Bosch washing machine (high end model), sure, the more it costs the better it is, right?, 'er wrong!... Instructions!, they may as well have been written in code with an enigma machine cypher...I looked at them right way up, upside down and even sideways on, to no avail...So i did what most men do given such a situation, I pushed buttons and twiddled knobs, prodded this and poked that in the vain hope i was not going to be left "sans" laundery for the next week...
Resistance was futile, I could almost hear the gods of laundery laughing at my feeble attempts at domestic dominance...
But time heals all wounds and I later found pushing every button and turning the knobs up to full on got a result...Ok, a wash might take over 3 hours, but at least i dont have to go and buy new clothes when my old ones get dirty!...(shrinkage of course is quite another matter!..."Hello, is that the "big and tall" shop?, yes it me again, yes, trousers, shirts and more underpants").....
Sure, it could'nt happen twice, could it?...'mmmmm (again!), just dont talk about the "new" kettle that turns itself on when it feels like it, or the toaser that 'er, just about warms the bread up (even with the knob up to full)...Dammit, its a bloody toaster, its sole purpuse in life is supposed to be to make toast, not warm floppy bread!...I could breath more heat on it if i tried hard enough...
So, in conclusion, i want to build a time machine and go back to 1998, and get 5 of everything that is now worn out or wearing out, so when the moment comes, as it always does, i'll have things that do what there supposed to do, with instructions that dont need to come with a professor of linguistics as an optional extra...
The machines are winning, HELP NEEDED NOW!, where is John Conner when you need him most?...
Transmission ends...

All the best...Lard...

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Jan 2011
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Dispaches from the Boglands....

...Hello fellow hoodlums...

Its a new thing to me this "blogging", so bare with me while i find my groove...
Im Lard, yes, just Lard, no need for formalities here...old, wise (or dumb as a brush if you prefer), and very full of bullshit when the mood takes me

...
Ill be having a go at life, love, people, business, the way things are and the way i would like to see them as time goes by...
Its been the bones of 52 years since mother and father agreed to see what would happen if the "lights went out" in late 50s london...and if they had known the result i guess they would have kept the bloody lights on!...Still, the damage is done, im here now, and with being on site for a while ('er, 8 months) and still languishing in the lost and found and lost again department i thaught i'd kill time and electricity clawing my way into the 21st centuary with a diary of personal "tatt"...
Ok, intro over...
I have just told a lady on CS that she is blessed with "etherial beauty"...Ok, its not an opening gambit for love eternal, but it was a statement of fact...
We are here, on a global dating site telling people we have never, nor will ever meet, that they are .......(fill in the blanks)...Im amazed at myself for making such a "bold" statement to a complete stranger in front of a "world audience"...I would NEVER make a comment like that to anyone in "the real world" unless we were married / dating / buying a dress together (her, not me!)/ negotiating a car purchace...
This age of communication has given us inpunity, good or otherwise to make comments we would not ordinarily make...
Its just a thaught, but i love the liberating experience the internet affords us...
20 years ago, all of this was the stuff of dreams, now we can chat to a global community and annoy and entertain our fellow human beings with mindless drivel or meaningfull social commentry...
long may it be so...
Ok, transmission ends...
next time, work......

all the best and good luck...Lard...

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Jan 2011
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This is a list of lardzeppelin's Blogs. Click here for lardzeppelin's Blog List

lardzeppelin Blog (6)

New Working Practices....

Dispatches from the Vertically Challenged...

Dispatches from the dating arena...

Dispatches / Music and lyrics...

Dispatches from the utility room...

Dispaches from the Boglands....

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