help??? am I ready to date???

A very sad moment in time for me….

I often wonder why my life has been so difficult for me to manage. I try hard to make the man I love notice me and want me and I still come out on the short end of the stick. Why does my heart not know when to give it up and move forward?

I ask myself this question every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake. I think in the morning, “Maybe today is the day he will take the time to talk to me… maybe he will give me the soft side I once knew for so many years.” Then when the day goes by there is nothing. I don’t understand why I feel I have done everything wrong and did nothing right.

I am a very over compulsive person, never letting things go and not realizing that I am beat and not wanted anymore. I need to learn how to control that part of my life. It seems all my life

I have had to fight to keep the one I love happy and want to be with only me. What do I lack as a woman? I once thought I was a simple, old fashioned girl. Now I am rethinking what type of person I really am.

Every day that I go to work and sit at my desk I glance over and see the man I once knew. Now it is like looking at a stranger that wants nothing to do with me. Never really wants to talk and that I make angry very easily just with a word. Still afraid of his anger I don’t want to be thrown around like a ball again. But, still in my heart I feel forgiveness and love.

I tell my heart everyday not to love him anymore and to just forget about him…. He doesn’t want me and he doesn’t love me. In my mind I think he has nothing but discuss towards me. I often wonder why he doesn’t love me anymore… that is something I will never know and will go to my grave with no answers. The makes my heart hurt even more.

I wrote him many very heartfelt emails asking if he is done with me forever and if he just wants me to move on….I never get a response sometimes the email even gets deleted without ever being read…. I only send them because he really won’t talk to me or I start crying and cannot finish what I was asking… But then

I got a response…. The response was as heartless and I could ever imagine…. With no thought just words … do the dating thing you’re on but don’t be like Teresa (last secretary) (he knows and I know how we both felt about her…. Worthless and wasteful not worth a shit and that’s how it made me feel) I was so hurt to think he put no thought into any of my words and that’s when

I guess I am realizing he really doesn’t like me at all. In fact I think down deep he thinks I was the biggest mistake and that I have been nothing but his stress and heartache. I only wish I knew it sooner that I wasn’t for him. But, I still would have loved him and would do anything in this world for him.

I think the worst of everything for me is that the hardest of all is when he asked me to live with him and gave me my ring and asked me to marry him….. He was still seeing her. How can you do that? I even forgave him when I found out I stayed by his side and helped him get better with his back still loving every part of him, and in the end I am the loser and she is the one he wants.

A very sad moment in time for me…. I have always believed in him and us and now I don’t even believe in me anymore. How can I when I still don’t know what happened it is like one of my nightmares coming true? I miss the times in the park with him.

I miss the soft tender side that he would show me, the love, tenderness. It is all gone and I am alone trying to keep it together and pick up the pieces and move on. How do I move on when I really don’t know how anymore?


He was and will always be the love of my life that was a fairy tale dream for me and in an instant was gone, left with nothing but unanswered questions. He taught me so much and made me feel alive and wanted never demanding I trusted him and I love