Subject of Settling
[For the longest time I've had this debate going on in my head about whether I should just settle for being loved rather than continue what seems to be a futile search for my soulmate. In a perfect world I would want so much to feel that overwhelming feeling of love for a man who also loves and adores me.
My son is 20 now and his father was the last relationship I had but I did choose not to date after we split up shortly before our son turned 3. For me, being a good mother came first becaue my son had just one childhood. His father was physically abusive and has never been in the picture.
I get asked out on plenty of dates so that isn't the issue. Just never get that feeling, or its mutual or they simply want a FWB where I want forever.
Now, there is a man that I met last April who lives nearly 100 miles from me. I've gone to visit a couple time for a few days. He is very much in love with me. Would marry me to keep me. I'm not feeling the same or am not letting myself feel the same because of his circumstances maybe?
This is a nice man but he is legally blind and eventually will lose his remaining sight. His house is in foreclosure. Nothing is good right now for him. I feel so terrible for him. Being with him I would be loved but it would mean a life of being a full time care attendant. Never leading a normal life again. No normal activities ever again because of his limitations.
So many negatives but he loves me for real and I know that without a doubt. Maybe I won't ever find that again.
Settle or keep waiting?
Comments (14)
Moving my momentary ardour for you to one side, I believe that you are not only mistaken about your suitor, but that by misconceiving the kind of future that you might have with him, you ARE MISSING OUT on a possible lifetime of love and happiness.
Your 'friend' may well be losing his sight and be registered legally blind, but THAT does not equate with his wanting or (necessarily) expecting (or anticipating) that you will be (or become) his (full time) Nurse-Maid !
I think your opinion there is a tad immature.
Not knowing your friend's background, nor having the opportunity to hear his side of your story, let alone being able to speak up for himself (as it is to him whom you should first have addressed your future concerns)I can but offer poor advice based on intelligent speculation.
Let us suppose that your friend has been learning to adapt to his forthcoming blindness, that he can already read in Braille,
and will have additional help (perhaps) from a Charitable Organization who may donate a 'Seeing Eye Dog' to assist him in getting out and about in the public domain.
Let us further suppose that he may have a family, large or small, who will pull together and gather around to offer further personal, private, public, familial social supports. Let us also assume that he might not be facing Bankruptcy at the same time as
foreclosure upon his house (he might even have more than one?).
Aside from his suit to you, his professed devotion and love, are you secretly afraid that your confidence and perhaps a lack of practical knowledge about how to help with blindness is the reason why you are having second thoughts about becoming involved with this gentleman?
Were you to risk making a committment, I do not think that guilt would play any part in your decisions about whether to remain a couple in the future if things between you two did not work out in the present.
Being a friend, companion, and lover to a blind partner .. may well be the making of fashioning you into a more grown up, considerate and responsible human being. It may also help your child to form a bond with a doting father figure too.
As a blind or near sighted person, your suitor could become an adept and very considerate lover; for he will have to acquire many new tactile skills to operate successfully in a new world, which straddles both the none visual and visual aspects of that new phase in both of your lives.
I hope this has been of some help to you (both)?
With Best Wishes from Cloud.
Please don't move forward with a "sympathy factor" that is going to hurt both of you.
(And 'you' are right, 'he' does deserve to be loved too!)
I adore compassionate people!
Feelings come and disappear after time.
Only you can sense the need and affection toward your partner after time. Keep waiting and the peace inside you would show you after more time. Blessings.
Thank you everyone for the feedback.
@ cloud94ever My friend still has vision though is worsening. He is legally blind. He is receiving help from an agency with his transition. His daughter doesn't live close by and visits are sporatic. He fears very much being alone. He and I have had many discussions so I'm not just coming here without having had talked to him and I'm going up to see him tomorrow. I know how he feels and what he wants. I'm trying to figure myself out and I don't want to hurt him. I'm quite mature already thank you very much.
@ buckeye1332 You make very good points. I am going to talk with him on my visit about whether his deep desire for me is maybe part of his fear of being alone. At one point I did step back for a while because I wasn't sure if I really liked him or if it was that my heart was going out to him. I couldn't imagine going through what he is.
@ Mia9988 Thank you for such a positive response and very good advice. I shall take it to heart. I truly do need to find that peace within.
@ morgenulv You are so very correct. If I were with someone in a long term relationship, in love, committed then we deal with whatever life brings us.
@Sur_de_Quito What to say?
As for my list of preferences/qualities on my profile I simply wrote mine out. If you or anyone else wrote out what you are looking for it would end up being a lengthy list too. In your head it just doesn't sound as long as it looks written out. Plus, the list isn't written in stone now is it?!
@Calliopesgirl I have been looking deep within to find that answer. Being with him out of pity would be just terrible.
I do have trust issues which he did help me to understand. I won't rush into anything. He does understand if I do meet someone else since he knows I am online. He just wants to love me for as long as I am in his life. For now, I don't give him false hope but can be a very good friend. If my heart changes then I will follow where it leads me.
Thank you all again for giving your advice. Its helps to get the perspective of others sometimes even though in the end the decisions belong soley to us.
Visually impaired people are perfectly capable of being independant, it doesn't effect their intelligence. A different life from "normal" is just that - different. It doesn't mean its a limited life.
All assuming his love for you isn't more about his fears than you. Don't be an eejit yourself and get used, either.
I think very often we view time spent with a potential suitor in terms of the end result - we try to assess early on if we are going to get the end result we're looking for.
We forget to enjoy the journey and worry about the destination only.
Maybe if we focus on the journey a little more, we might not end up where we planned to, but we might end up in a better place than we thought possible.
Finding love is not a race. Things might not work out with one person, but its not a waste of time if we learn things that we them apply to our future happiness and the happiness of others. Its not a waste of time if we chose to enjoy that which we have, while we have it.
5.34 a.m./17.34 hrs,
Sunday 27th November 2011.
Finally, closure to this post about my sight impaired gentleman.
One last visit after Christmas that started off well and went all wrong by New Years.
At last I knew for sure that I wasn't who he needed in his life nor he in mine.
It was good that I went on that last trip. Now I have closure with this man and I hope he is feeling the same about me.
Thank you everyone who gave me advice. It always helps to hear what others have to say even if we don't agree with it.