Forget love at first sight

Love at first sight is a myth. Perhaps, you can relate to love at first sight, at some level, when you were a teenager. However, in adulthood, when such feelings have the opportunity to develop into something that may be for keeps, you need to understand that there is no such thing as love at first sight.

This does not mean that there is not something at first sight. Nor does it mean that this "something" might not be very, very powerful. It can even have good elements to it. But, it is not love, so you should not treat it that way.


The first take-away value of this fact in dating is this: Do not let your fantasies fool you into thinking you have found something of value just because a person turns your head or makes your heart beat faster. A fast-beating heart has nothing to do with love or with anything that will last.

The second take-away is this: Just because you do not fall in love at first sight does not mean that the person you meet does not have great value or even lasting potential.

Hollywood, Madison Ave., fairy tales, movies, and romance novels all add to this confusion. What used to be understood as a fantasy- is now taken as the way love itself works. It is not true, so don't believe it.

Understand that feelings such as those are based on things inside you, not some inherent value of the person you are smitten by. What smites you is totally subjective. The reasons you feel this way about someone could be coming from a lot of sources, and sometimes it is important to find out what those are.


Here are just a few examples of real people who have been smitten at first sight and why that feeling should not be trusted:



- The dainty woman made the man feel stronger and kept him away from his own vulnerability. When he was with her, he felt completed, connected to what he did not have in himself. As time went on, he came to resent the dainty ones he fell in love with, hating their "weakness."


- The intellectual and well-educated man made her feel so "in love." She was drawn to his pedigree and brains. Actually, this represented getting the approval of her own prideful mother, who overvalued such things because her own upbringing did not afford them.

- The gentle man made her feel as though her prince had arrived. She was so in love with his gentle nature. Later, his lack of assertiveness and initiative drove her crazy. The gentleness she was blinded by was actually passivity, but kept her from her fears of aggressive men, such as her father, who had hurt her.


- The successful man made her head swim. His power, accomplishments, and financial standing were so attractive to her. He seemed so strong. Actually, he was driven to succeed because he was unable to connect with anyone; he used his charm to get ahead. After the attraction wore off, he did what disconnected men do: He left her feeling alone. She was so drawn to him because she felt so powerless in the world all by herself. Latching onto him gave her a feeling of security that felt like love.

- Her "ideal" beauty drove him crazy. But when he was with her, he felt empty. She was so invested in her appearance and image, he found little to relate to. His fear of a real woman with real feelings kept him focusing on some romanticized image.


There are many more examples that could be mentioned. Most of them don't end well, and the ones that do end well, it is certainly for other reasons than the fantasized love at first sight. It is because people get beyond the "love at first sight" feeling and get to know and love the real person. Love is built through soul-to-soul connection, shared values, commitment, resolving conflicts, and hurts, tenderness, sacrifice, forgiveness, giving, displays of character, spiritual compatibility, and sharing- things that all have something important in common: time. Love takes time.



Continued....