Restaurants

Restaurants can be funny places. Take a typical table for two in an average place. Think about the space you are allocated. That area which is yours and yours alone. Probably calculated by some genius of diminishing returns and quantifiable outlay with the aid of an accounts book. “Oh yes if we increase the number of covers from 26 to 174 the increase turnover will enable you to buy a yacht in 2 years!” If it works! And people keep coming!

It can feel like there was a lack of thought given to the diners. You may have about 6 sq ft of private space. And woe betide you if you put a foot out of place. A foot out of place might not be all bad. You may end up tripping the waiters or waitresses and not sustain any great injury to yourself. But they’re not that now are they? Servers, that is the new term. Whatever you do DON’T put your head out! You could be decapitated with a Ciabatta bread coming out to table 14 or a tray of whitebait for table 124. Back to the servers “Hello I am Jason and I will be your server this evening. Is there anything I can get you?”
You think “Yes you can drag that f***in space that’s not being used over here and let me deflate into some proper relaxation.”
You’re sat like a condemned sardine. Like a suitcase coming back from your holidays. Packed so tight if they decide to open it at customs you know its going to explode and spew out stuffed donkeys and bongo drums and all those condoms you didn’t get to use.

Yes admit fellas. You work out the sums and being a natural optimist (or a liar) you take 14x 4 times a day, plus a few just in case. You pack 100 and what do you bring back? None? Lucky beggars. Well me, I would probably fetch back 98. One I used and the one I put my finger through.

At any one time there must be millions of condoms flying all across the world. Just think of all that weight being transported needlessly about the planet. I wonder how much they contribute to global warming? Imagine a 1000 tons of johnnys flying all over the world, not by themselves I hasten to add though that would be a sight to behold. Would it be possible to stop global warming if we banned johnnys from flights or rationed them to a realistic number per person? Worth thinking about maybe.

Anyway you’re sat like a ladies foot in a shoe which is two sizes too small and you say to the server Jason “ Perrier water please” and you say it with that cheesy grin, reserved for strangers that you’re trying to be pleasant to. What’s that all about? Why don’t we complain? Why don’t we just say exactly what we think? Maybe you do but I am from that great British stock, stiff upperlip and all that. So we sit quietly trying to make sure our elbows don’t stick out too much whilst still maintaining decorum and poise and showing a real interest in our partners words.

Once I remember being in that situation and I was too hot so I thought I’d take my jacket off. Big mistake! I was stripping off, carefully making sure I was in the allocated space but I must have stuck my head out into no-mans land. The next thing there was an almighty crash and a server with a tray of drinks was well and truly clobbered. There were cherries and umbrellas flying through the air, the whole restaurant came to a complete standstill and conversation stopped, dead. The cocktails flew in a beautiful arc over the people to my left as the tray hit the floor. Slow motion took over as my whole life flashed before my eyes

It was one of those moments that I wished was happening to someone else. The glasses smashed against a pillar and there were drinks rushing at the diners in an imitation of Niagara Falls. They were soaked. A big rubber finger came out from nowhere amongst the sea of silent diners and was lit up in flashing neon lights pointing at me. Yes people! Look! It was him! Strange world we live in