No Sympathy/Empathy. Just Releasing My Thoughts!

Wowser! A few weeks back my brother Johnnie had another stroke. He's has several since then and he is in pretty bad shape. He's blind in one eye, confined to a wheel chair and the usual paralyzed side.

My sisters here in California are making plans to get back to Colorado if necessary. I will not be going back because I simply do not like to attend funerals because the inevitable looks very likely.

I know I have stated this many times but my family was very dysfunctional. Most of them were bullies and me being the youngest one I usually got the muck from them. It was not pleasant and for that reason I stayed away from them alot.

This brother used to call me all kinds of demeaning names. One was "snafu". He used to call me a "sissy" which in the late 40's was akin to being called a "fag". The irony of this bullying turned out to be against him as 2 of his son's were gay.

One day when I was 14 I bought a razor because I wanted to be cool and shave. He walked into the bathroom while I was "shaving" and he ridiculed me and said to me, "What are you shaving for. You'll never have a beard". Hah! I had the last laugh because I have a full beard something that my bully brother never had.

All of this has crossed my mind and I have been pondering it not to laugh or feel smug about anything but only to understand that in the last few years, and I mean about 3 or 4, we have finally made peace simply because they have mellowed out. My brother and sisters are not as mean and surly as they used to be. And now that we are old, me being the youngest I am 74, we are finally close.

I think alot about my brother and I just wish we had been better with each other.

Again, I am stating this just to get my thoughts in writing.