I am no longer free!!!!

I'm interested in people who are having spiritual awakening experiences and would love to hear about them if you would like to share.

I have recently gone through a big change in my life or that is what my ego would have me believe, but in a way I have found my trueself.

I have always been searching spiritually and interested in different religions but nothing ever really made sense and I could never really grasp the meanings although sometimes I believed I had. Only to find that I would soon be suffering so to speak with negative emotions and a fragile mind.

I just wanted to be free from it all but I did not know how, i was to the point of desperation and then something came about that was unspeakable, it was more of a knowing. One morning after heavy drinking I woke up in a state of joy and all past and future realites did not seem to matter anymore. I knew where I had to go and that this very moment in time so to speak, this present moment is all there ever is without even the words entering my mind.

I gave up so much but gained a whole lot more. I thought,I feel free. Free from what, what is. And "what is" I now realise many months on is that I do not have to be free as I originally wanted to be free.

My ego once told me I am free which suggested that I have found freedom from what I was but I now know I am what I am and there is nothing to be free from. Everything that happens is what is.

Emotion arises, the thought, the word FEAR arises. I look, I see, I rest awhile and let everything be and the ego falters amongst the silence and I am left with this amazing energy that vibrates and circles my very essence.

Pictures may rise now and again, the past, the future. But the past that my ego clings onto creates a story of longing and of untruths, of events that are not now, of half lies that tell a different story to try and make you unconscious of the present moment. But the past falls away so gently that the pictures were not even real to me anymore just a concoction of images, yes some true of what may have occurred in my life but NOW is all that matters and my so called past is no longer. It is really of no consequence. Though sometimes I awaken from this dream and realise with a smile that I had been unconscious. No anguish, just joy that I was back in this moment.

The future, worries, I look, I see, I rest awhile. There is only this moment, there will ever be only this moment and with this realization that is wordless the words fall apart, the silence becomes evident in this space of in tune harmonies. My ego tells me that I should be fearful and I watch how it comes in at another angle. The picture of a happy future but then the drawing of some negation, the pictures dissipate, rise and fall and I am left in silence allowing it all, but knowing, watching.

Then nothing, nothing but space in this timeless place of form, of energies, of things I once knew but now know not of. This moment, all new things flow continuously.

I sit on the bus, I am compelled to look at everything, to be in awe. To know that my old truths are untruths of this moment. To acknowledge the oneness of all that is around me, but not an acknowledgement of my ego but of what I am. To see myself as if in the middle of a circle of mirrors, looking back on myself in the silence. Then the rise and fall of watching the ego once more but it falls away as quickly as the streets go by one by one and I smile. I am not free anymore but free from the freedom of needing to be free.