rusty_knight: My dad died a few months ago - I'd looked after them both for 30 months and had had enough.......... now I've been back since September (left in June) and I'm getting older every day.... of course I love my mother, but I really hate Sundays... the carers come in early and leave early and I feel totally trapped.
I know I am doing this voluntarily, but sometimes I feel like screaming too!
You mom listened to you scream when you were a child. Is it so hard to give back to her? My Mom is 94. Last October, she went into a non-assisted adult care facility...her own choice. After she recovered from her illness, she didn't want to return to her home because she had made friends and feels like it is her home now.
Have you thought of placing her in a home where they would tolerate the screaming more than you? She will probably make friends who will overlook the screaming.
I'm sorry if I sound mean, don't want to, but after all, everyone gets old and you can't just toss them out because you can't stand then around anymore.
I feel for you Rusty, you obviously are a good person and at wits end which only a person in your shoes would know. I'm sorry how I sounded before even though I had a similar experience, it's not easy and I should have been more sensitive to your plight. I don't know the situation and how things are in your country. In USA we have nursing homes and assisted living but I'm sure you have explored all the avenues. Keep the faith and again good luck. joe
drbombay: I feel for you Rusty, you obviously are a good person and at wits end which only a person in your shoes would know. I'm sorry how I sounded before even though I had a similar experience, it's not easy and I should have been more sensitive to your plight. I don't know the situation and how things are in your country. In USA we have nursing homes and assisted living but I'm sure you have explored all the avenues. Keep the faith and again good luck. joe
Agreed. I didn't mean to sound rude either. It's hard to care for someone like that. I did it for 3 months and thought that I would die, but you get the strength from somewhere....always.
ladyfingers: Agreed. I didn't mean to sound rude either. It's hard to care for someone like that. I did it for 3 months and thought that I would die, but you get the strength from somewhere....always.
It's no big deal; there are lots of people who do a far better job in worse situations than myself...... I just hate Sundays as I don't get out at all - when you CAN go out but don't want to go out it's different to being unable to go out because you can't leave a paralysed person on their own!
Of course I explored all the options and gave my mother a choice - she would be unhappy in a home as she expects constant attention.
We have someone in the office who is hard of hearing and she speaks at the top of her lungs and so do the people who speak to her.
She refuses to get a hearing aid so we are stuck with the inconvenience.
Keep you chin up and deal with it
Of course!
I went to bed 'early' - about 10.30 p.m.
How dare I?
My mother rang me up at 3.30 a.m. (an hour ago now) to warm her tea.... it feels like I am being punished for not staying up until at least 11.30 to run around at her every command.
santarosaPaulSanta Rosa, CA, California USA173 Posts
santarosaPaulSanta Rosa, CA, California USA173 posts
Hey rusty knight, I think it's common... or kind of common. My grandmother is almost 81, and she doesn't scream, but does yell out things like, "ma-ma... pa-pa... lola". I don't know why. She sometimes likes to argue with my mom who is 64. She'll start calling her dirty names and cursing in spanish. My aunt got some medication that calms her down, but I don't like her taking it because it seems to make her just sit on the couch and sleep of and on all day. I think it's just something like Snuggs09 said, we just have to keep our chins up and try to deal with it the best we can.
santarosaPaul: Hey rusty knight, I think it's common... or kind of common. My grandmother is almost 81, and she doesn't scream, but does yell out things like, "ma-ma... pa-pa... lola". I don't know why. She sometimes likes to argue with my mom who is 64. She'll start calling her dirty names and cursing in spanish. My aunt got some medication that calms her down, but I don't like her taking it because it seems to make her just sit on the couch and sleep of and on all day. I think it's just something like Snuggs09 said, we just have to keep our chins up and try to deal with it the best we can.
My mum would sound cute screaming in Spanish!
She screams out mainly in English - but throws in some Maltese she's picked up and even some Swahili...... the nice Gozitan carers (who taught her some Maltese) now speak better English and also some Swahili too!
santarosaPaulSanta Rosa, CA, California USA173 Posts
santarosaPaulSanta Rosa, CA, California USA173 posts
rusty_knight: My mum would sound cute screaming in Spanish!
She screams out mainly in English - but throws in some Maltese she's picked up and even some Swahili...... the nice Gozitan carers (who taught her some Maltese) now speak better English and also some Swahili too!
Ha... and you think that's funny? You should hear my grandmother arguing with mom in spanish... now that's funny! She says things I didn't even know she knew... but I know, she heard them way before I was even born. Then my mom tries to argue back, but then grandma starts laughing like the witch on the Wizard of Oz... it's not funny, but it's very funny.
santarosaPaul: Ha... and you think that's funny? You should hear my grandmother arguing with mom in spanish... now that's funny! She says things I didn't even know she knew... but I know, she heard them way before I was even born. Then my mom tries to argue back, but then grandma starts laughing like the witch on the Wizard of Oz... it's not funny, but it's very funny.
My mother is great with visitors and the perfect host!
'Robert........ get blah blah a drink!'
'Blah blah - would you like to stay for lunch?....Robert will cook you something'
'Blah Blah - oh, I'd like to get you a present - Robert go down to 'x' and buy 'y' for blah blah when the carers comein..it'll do you good to get out!'
She gets lots of visitors...... I think it's important for her to be able to chat to people so I encourage people to come and visit her........ I don't chat to her much as she doesn't talk to me really - just tells me what to get her as if I am just a servant.
I don't get visitors myself - maybe I'm just jealous of my mum!
It is sad and often nerve racking when people get old. The very ones giving care are the ones treated the worse. Just remember she is not who she wants to be or who she was, old age has only left her the way she is. Plus she has lost her self independence and is fighting to keep some control to keep her self respect. Fear is a big part of their world. How ever she treats you, it is not you or the lack of loving you......she is only part of who she would be if age did not rob her. She is the same mom that put up with the know it all teen ager you used to be....its just her turn. Compassion will rule over hard feelings.....and she still loves you......she is just fighting old age.
Hang in there! Take care of yourself to take care of her.
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I know I am doing this voluntarily, but sometimes I feel like screaming too!
You mom listened to you scream when you were a child. Is it so hard to give back to her? My Mom is 94. Last October, she went into a non-assisted adult care facility...her own choice. After she recovered from her illness, she didn't want to return to her home because she had made friends and feels like it is her home now.
Have you thought of placing her in a home where they would tolerate the screaming more than you? She will probably make friends who will overlook the screaming.
I'm sorry if I sound mean, don't want to, but after all, everyone gets old and you can't just toss them out because you can't stand then around anymore.
Anyway, to you and have patience.