NOT a deadbeat Dad..... (13)
My two oldest children live with their father. They move in with him last November, what was supposed to be temperary. What I feared happened the other week, my daughter told me that she might want to start highschool there. I know too that if she stays her brother will stay too....
I miss them terribly they have always lived with me. But what I have to do is look at the whole picture. What is better for them? Am I being selfish if I tell them to come back? Because really isn't it all about them.....
It is hard but you will adjust. You know where to find me if you wanna talk
I miss them terribly they have always lived with me. But what I have to do is look at the whole picture. What is better for them? Am I being selfish if I tell them to come back? Because really isn't it all about them.....
It is hard but you will adjust. You know where to find me if you wanna talk
IMO you have everything in your girls some situations may dictate that children need to live with thier other parent but what can he give them that you can't? This is a hard decision and of course it comes down to what is best for the kids so ask yourself what IS BEST for them and if its to go with thier father then so be it but if you have been thier main parent for so long would the upheaval of moving and starting new for them be worth it?
Stephanie!!
P.S I second Angelas offer if you need a friend I to am here for you!!
Stephanie!!
P.S I second Angelas offer if you need a friend I to am here for you!!
Good Morning Urs,
May i ask how close in distance residing your ex is?
How often do you see your girls?
For the kids to have two parents involved with love and care is very critical. Your girls need you and they need their dad. That is what is best for them.
A balance in care for you and your ex is what i would suggest. Not knowing the aswers to my above questions its hard to comment further. I would not accept a custody arrangement that gave me less time with the children. The children want to live with both of you by the sounds of it.
If my ex offered me everything i would tell her to fly a kite...I am not going to "trade" my daughters so she could get primary custody. I would never consider that arrangement.
May i ask how close in distance residing your ex is?
How often do you see your girls?
For the kids to have two parents involved with love and care is very critical. Your girls need you and they need their dad. That is what is best for them.
A balance in care for you and your ex is what i would suggest. Not knowing the aswers to my above questions its hard to comment further. I would not accept a custody arrangement that gave me less time with the children. The children want to live with both of you by the sounds of it.
If my ex offered me everything i would tell her to fly a kite...I am not going to "trade" my daughters so she could get primary custody. I would never consider that arrangement.
No wisdom here, I'm afraid, wikked, just a whole lot of empathy for where you are, and a story to share.
For what it's worth, I _know_ how it feels to wonder if you're doing the right thing, if they'd be better off with their dad ...I was working a huge project in the U.S., and I let her Dad convince me she'd be better off with him, so I let her go for the school year -- 500 miles away! (If I'm completely honest, I had reached that point we single parents can sometimes get to where I was _tired_, just tired of dealing with the entire load of job/parenting/etc., and I wasn't hard to convince.)
Worst 10 months of my life. I talked to her everyday, saw her at least once/month ..and my heart ached. I worried constantly. I swear to you it took more energy to worry about her than it did to work out the details when she was with me. End of the school year, I brought her home and that's where she has stayed since.
Two things I will offer up ... be wary of letting guilt over your past misdeeds make you somehow think you're a lesser person/parent than he is ... who you were is who you _were_ and we all cope with life using the strategies we have at hand at the time. You love those girls, and that's the most important thing you can give your kids. (I finally learned that lesson when I let her go to her father' -- very nice, very stable, very responsible man as compared to the wild child I've been -- but he's very withholding and judgemental, and he doesn't make her feel _loved_ and special and important. I may not do everything like June Cleaver, but dammit, my kid _knows_ I love her more than life itself.) And I'd avoid linking the "give me everything" to the issue of custody in any way, 'cause I'd worry that the girls might think they were given over in trade. If he's a good parent, and the kids want to go live with him, AND you think you can live without them on a daily basis, then do it. If not, then don't.
Those girls of yours are darn lucky to have two parents who love them so much!
For what it's worth, I _know_ how it feels to wonder if you're doing the right thing, if they'd be better off with their dad ...I was working a huge project in the U.S., and I let her Dad convince me she'd be better off with him, so I let her go for the school year -- 500 miles away! (If I'm completely honest, I had reached that point we single parents can sometimes get to where I was _tired_, just tired of dealing with the entire load of job/parenting/etc., and I wasn't hard to convince.)
Worst 10 months of my life. I talked to her everyday, saw her at least once/month ..and my heart ached. I worried constantly. I swear to you it took more energy to worry about her than it did to work out the details when she was with me. End of the school year, I brought her home and that's where she has stayed since.
Two things I will offer up ... be wary of letting guilt over your past misdeeds make you somehow think you're a lesser person/parent than he is ... who you were is who you _were_ and we all cope with life using the strategies we have at hand at the time. You love those girls, and that's the most important thing you can give your kids. (I finally learned that lesson when I let her go to her father' -- very nice, very stable, very responsible man as compared to the wild child I've been -- but he's very withholding and judgemental, and he doesn't make her feel _loved_ and special and important. I may not do everything like June Cleaver, but dammit, my kid _knows_ I love her more than life itself.) And I'd avoid linking the "give me everything" to the issue of custody in any way, 'cause I'd worry that the girls might think they were given over in trade. If he's a good parent, and the kids want to go live with him, AND you think you can live without them on a daily basis, then do it. If not, then don't.
Those girls of yours are darn lucky to have two parents who love them so much!
Hi Urs,
Don't give up your children. I was a single parent - raised my daughter on my own since she was a baby. My advice is to keep the legal arrangment that you have with your ex-spouse over your children. Keep doing what you do so that both children can know how much they are loved by both parents.
Regards,
Lorraine.
Don't give up your children. I was a single parent - raised my daughter on my own since she was a baby. My advice is to keep the legal arrangment that you have with your ex-spouse over your children. Keep doing what you do so that both children can know how much they are loved by both parents.
Regards,
Lorraine.
What is more important to you? Your kids or material wealth.
Who would the kids like to live with?
Who would the kids like to live with?
Is there a reason why one of you should have primary custody? I feel they should have both...I don't feel I can give much advice on this...
but the fact that he offered you everything for the girls makes me ... nevermind!...I mean what could be worth to you more then your girls? I'd tell him that he'd already given you enough as you have the most beautiful children! And as Pucks said...to take a hike!
I hope this turns out positive for you all...make a research on the internet...there is lots of great information out there...and I'm sure you can take something good from the support of your friends here. Stay strong Wikked we love you much around here!
but the fact that he offered you everything for the girls makes me ... nevermind!...I mean what could be worth to you more then your girls? I'd tell him that he'd already given you enough as you have the most beautiful children! And as Pucks said...to take a hike!
I hope this turns out positive for you all...make a research on the internet...there is lots of great information out there...and I'm sure you can take something good from the support of your friends here. Stay strong Wikked we love you much around here!
This has been a lot of help for me to read the replies here...
It made me remember two years ago when i had to take an emergency trip overseas and i was away from my kids for 10 days...by the third day I was on the phone crying that i wanted to come home...my youngest daughter has a very soft voice...and would you believe I started to grieve for that...
I know what he meant by he would "give me everything" for those girls...he knows as I do that those children are the be all and end all for us...the sun rises and sets on them for the two of us...he has told me he will "die" without those children (dramatic no doubt!!)...but i know what he is feeling...
The reason I have not asked the children...is because i didn't want to have to "choose" between us...
At the end of the day...regardless of how we sort this out..we will always be parents to those kids, no matter who has "primary" custody
It made me remember two years ago when i had to take an emergency trip overseas and i was away from my kids for 10 days...by the third day I was on the phone crying that i wanted to come home...my youngest daughter has a very soft voice...and would you believe I started to grieve for that...
I know what he meant by he would "give me everything" for those girls...he knows as I do that those children are the be all and end all for us...the sun rises and sets on them for the two of us...he has told me he will "die" without those children (dramatic no doubt!!)...but i know what he is feeling...
The reason I have not asked the children...is because i didn't want to have to "choose" between us...
At the end of the day...regardless of how we sort this out..we will always be parents to those kids, no matter who has "primary" custody
Since alot of the people on the international forum know me longer I also posted this thread there to get their views as well....this is a reply from one of them, who does happen to know me personally...
..."As someone that knows you both on a personal and intimate basis, I know of which you speak. He is a wonderful father and the girls would never want for anything. Since you have made this rather public I must say...you are wonderful too....but...you arent real child oriented. not meaning that as an insult in any way, just meaning in the sense of the outtings and so forth. sports, camping, STUFF...you know of what im talking about. on the other hand, they do need the mother influence...boys, dating, make-up, hair :) and they could get that still with the time they could spend with you. you live and want a full life with enough freedom to persue your dreams...he doesnt seem to really want that, just talk about it...IMO i think them being with him and visiting with you would be perfect,...for all of you. he would get to be super dad and you would still be able to seek which your heart is longing for and still be Mommy and the girls would have the best of the both of you.
not about the past or the mistakes of the past hon...whats best for ALL?
He will just have to learn to make those arrangements. the docs, the schools...etc...if he cant, then??? And besides, I know you two, you will still need to help each other out. YOU wont have as much time for all that either. you will have your own life, work, home...
I feel for you doll, I know its tough...just keep the girls in mind and what is best for THEM...whats best for you and your "ex" isnt whats important in this choice."...
..."As someone that knows you both on a personal and intimate basis, I know of which you speak. He is a wonderful father and the girls would never want for anything. Since you have made this rather public I must say...you are wonderful too....but...you arent real child oriented. not meaning that as an insult in any way, just meaning in the sense of the outtings and so forth. sports, camping, STUFF...you know of what im talking about. on the other hand, they do need the mother influence...boys, dating, make-up, hair :) and they could get that still with the time they could spend with you. you live and want a full life with enough freedom to persue your dreams...he doesnt seem to really want that, just talk about it...IMO i think them being with him and visiting with you would be perfect,...for all of you. he would get to be super dad and you would still be able to seek which your heart is longing for and still be Mommy and the girls would have the best of the both of you.
not about the past or the mistakes of the past hon...whats best for ALL?
He will just have to learn to make those arrangements. the docs, the schools...etc...if he cant, then??? And besides, I know you two, you will still need to help each other out. YOU wont have as much time for all that either. you will have your own life, work, home...
I feel for you doll, I know its tough...just keep the girls in mind and what is best for THEM...whats best for you and your "ex" isnt whats important in this choice."...
I was thinking later.... If you give him full custody and all the rights. You have absolutly no say left what so ever.... Not something you want to get rid of.
Also your ex will adjust to on the days he doesn't have the children. The best thing for the girls probably will be an arrangement that they have a room at both places.
If both parents are fit then they need both parents. And we don't have to be the same with the same interests. I find it BS when people say you are not child oriented because you don't are the type to volunteer at brownees. I don't have that interest either but I will be there for my children in a different way....
Also your ex will adjust to on the days he doesn't have the children. The best thing for the girls probably will be an arrangement that they have a room at both places.
If both parents are fit then they need both parents. And we don't have to be the same with the same interests. I find it BS when people say you are not child oriented because you don't are the type to volunteer at brownees. I don't have that interest either but I will be there for my children in a different way....
Maybe you should talk to the kids and see how they feel about everything. Seems we have things in common. Have you thought about some kind of shared parenting. Seems to work out better in alot of cases than one person having custody. I am doing shared parenting with my ex and it seems to work out fine. You are able to have some kind of schedule to go by if you want. You still have equal time with the kids and share the responsibility. And you would both be able to discuss and decide what is best for the kids at different moments. 
I sure you will figure out what is best. You are a smart girl.
I sure you will figure out what is best. You are a smart girl.Sometimes people don't understand everything that having children 24hours entails...the doctors, the sick nights, the sleepless hours, the worries, the lates, the ...so on...
I would give anything and I am happy for every moment I have with them.
No one can judge you Wikked. No one can say you are not child-oriented...perhaps yes she/he knows you on a personal level...
but...sometimes they don't see the whole picture either...
it's not easy being a parent...and I am so happy when my daughter told her teacher the other day that she loved her school but she loved being home with me to do all sorts of stuff.
like this weekend we get to be scientist professors...lol...I bought a Professeur Glu kit throught scholastic at their school...gonna be some fun...it even has a magnet and some eyes and some magnetic premade glu!
I would give anything and I am happy for every moment I have with them.
No one can judge you Wikked. No one can say you are not child-oriented...perhaps yes she/he knows you on a personal level...
but...sometimes they don't see the whole picture either...
it's not easy being a parent...and I am so happy when my daughter told her teacher the other day that she loved her school but she loved being home with me to do all sorts of stuff.
like this weekend we get to be scientist professors...lol...I bought a Professeur Glu kit throught scholastic at their school...gonna be some fun...it even has a magnet and some eyes and some magnetic premade glu!
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My "ex" has offered to give me everything if I will let him have primary custody of the girls...(13 and 10)
I will be the first to admit that he has always been an excellent father, I could not have chosen better for my children...His whole world revolves around those children...as a matter of fact...I believe that is where the breakdown of our marriage started...he just wanted to be a "daddy"...not a "husband" anymore...there was never any time for "me" after I had the kids...
He was raised by just his father alone, and he is an only child, so when he does everything for the kids, its because its what he knows, what he saw his father do for him...so i don't think it was intentional that he somehow "squeezed" me out of that "family circle"
However, one of the reasons he can do all the things he does with the children is because i'm in the "background" taking care of all the other details so that there is money, time, arrangements made, so that he can do all that...
I love my children too...I may have made alot of mistakes in my past, but those two girls are the best thing i've ever done with my life...and i know they love me too...
Anyone have any "words of wisdom" for me???