If Tommy Cooper were alive today! (4)

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought 'that's Aboriginal'.

I told my girlfriend I had a new job in a bowling alley, she said.'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent'.

Batman came up to me, hit me over the head with a vase and said 'TPau!' I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?' He said, 'No I've got china in my hand'.

I went to the doctor, I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels'. He said, 'You've got cholera'.

I phoned the local ramblers club today but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today, I can't remember his name though. It's P something T something R.

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener, I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana'. The monkey said, 'No this is for the custard'.

I went into a shop and said, 'Can somebody sell me a kettle?' A bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said. 'Where is he then?'.

This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says, 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest to the bull goes first'. He went, 'BAAH'. I went, 'MOOO'. He said, 'You're closest'.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me to tell me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I swerved right into a tree. The police came and asked me what happened. I said, 'I careered right off the road'.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on the telly but I'm no Robbie Williams'.

The policeman came up to me with a pencil and a very thin piece of paper. He said, 'I want you to trace somebody for me'.

I phoned the local builders today and said, 'Can I have a skip outside my house?'. He said, 'I'm not stopping you'.

I told my mum I'd opened a theatre, she said, 'Are you having me on?'. I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything'.

I phoned the local gym and asked them if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'Well I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays'.

Not a lot of that, but some of that......!