Is It OK To Ask A Child Which Parent He or She Wants To Stay With After Separation ( Archived) (38)

My children stayed with me and saw their dad Wed eve for dinner and Friday early eve he´´d pick them up to stay with him till sat eve.

All was well till my daughter moved out and then their dad (behind my back) asked my son to go live with him. The result was my son in tears saying how unfair it was for dad to put him on the spot like that (and without me knowing anything about it) and asking him to choose. I comforted him and suggested the "no action" approach since that didn´t mean "choosing" it meant not making changes. The other result was my daughter feeling rejected by her dad because he´d never suggested both of them going to live with him when she was still living at home.

A couple of years later, my son came home from visiting his dad saying he´d mentioned again about moving in with him. This time he said he felt ready to make a decision and after chatting with me about it decided to do it. The roles were then reversed and he´d come to me for dinner on Wed and stay with me Frid pm till Sat eve. I felt if my son was gonna live with his dad it was probably a good time as they had similar hobbies and could spend more time together sharing them.

His dad and me only lived about 20 min drive away from one another.

Kids do have say in this world its not just about us

It's not about having a say. It's about asking them to make uninformed decisions they are not in a position to make i.m.h.o! I believe it is a parent's job to act in the best interests of the children and not avoid the responsibility of hard and unpleasant decisions.

I left that to my children....to decide....my ex being a very good mother....i cannot fault her there.........

Hi Ali Good to see you!

Well said GG, we as parents are advocates for our children! I am so very sorry you've had to suffer through this all these years.

Wow !! That would have been tough I bet. I'm sorry that you had to make that decision. Did they give you the option to spend time with both parents ? I haven't read the whole thread, I'm sorry if this has been answered already.

when i divorced my wife .my three girls....never really forgave me....havent seen them in 20 years...it breaks my heart.....because i loved them to pieces........still do........

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it is only natural that you would feel such guilt - but you are not guilty. You did not cause the breakup. The "choice" they put before you was not a choice of your own choosing, so it was not a free choice.

Was it fair of them or the court to ask you? I think yes. Your physical body cannot be in two places at once, so it was fair of them to ask which physical place you preferred. But your heart can be in many places at once - you can continue to love both your parents, even after their bodies have gone away, even after their bodies have died.



There is/was a philosopher/guru called Goenka, who said: "I am responsible for my own reactions". He was absolutely correct. You, and you alone, are responsible for your own feelings. So if your feelings upset you, you have the power to change them. You cannot change the events that triggered those feelings - which are your reactions to the events - but you can change the feelings themselves.

And there is more... it was not your parents' fault that they broke up. They are not guilty of any crime or misdemeanour. Just as your feelings control you, so their feelings controlled them. Neither they, nor you, nor me, nor any human is a perfectly rational being with free will. Instead, we are kind of like machines, programmed by our genetic apparatus to develop in a certain way, including developing internal control apparatuses that we call our hearts and minds. These apparatuses are imperfect. You would not criticise a cripple for having a bad leg, and neither should you criticise a parent (or a child) for being unable to control their emotions and be completely altruistic.

If you can learn to forgive your parents for their weaknesses, you can start to learn to forgive yourself for your own.

On the subject of commitment, this is a tricky one. There is no scientific evidence that monogamy is a natural state for humans. Marriage, like religion, like the Law, is a social construct, not a biological imperative. Commitment is not something to be feared, and neither should it be something to be legislated. That it is legislated has nothing to do with morals, but everything to do with social control.

From a woman's point of view, unless she has an independent means of support, she needs commitment from a man for practical reasons. And psychological ones too, for she is in a competition with all other women on the planet for "her" man's affections, just as he is in a competition with all other men on the planet for hers.

The bottom line is, no-one can guarantee a perpetual commitment, but anyone can make an intention to commit, which is all anyone can reasonably ask of another. The way to express that commitment in words is very simple: "I love you".

Do something about it TH