The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-laws.
Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look beautiful.
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."
A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school.
On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."
"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
p_seg Forum Posts (4,497)
RE: Blonde jokes............
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier..........
Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.
Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.
Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.
Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.
Q: How do you measure their intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.
It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle. She tried putting batteries in it.
To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.