A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (thank god for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day....."
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly.
"Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 3. Two rules for life: (1) Don't tell people everything you know. (2) 4. I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted. 5. Did ancient Roman doctors refer to IV's as fours? 6. Now I know why they call them trial lawyers. I tried one and I didn't like him. 7. Why get even when you can get odd? 8. They say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat down your door. But usually it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard. 9. Want to trace your family tree? Run for public office or win the sweepstakes. 10. A fool and his money are soon partying. 11. How come you never hear about GRUNTLED employees? 12. I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes. 13. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 14. There are two kinds of jokes - the ones people laugh at, and the ones where people say, "That's funny." 15. You say "tomato," I say "tomato.com." 16. The reason that men pay for dates is because women have to pay for the wedding. 17. I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive. She thinks she got me with her long-range rifle. 18. Just because it's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty. 19. Why isn't there an explosion when you pour gasoline on fire ants? 20. Never let your willpower get the best of you. 21. I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard until I realized I was strangling an ostrich. 22. There are three types of people: those who can count and those who can't.
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