Farmer Brown was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens) called "pullets," and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was quickly replaced.
This took an inordinate amount of time, so he bought some little bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now the farmer could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster, an oldie by the name of Homer, was a very fine specimen, considering the bird's age, but this morning he noticed old Homer's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to check things out, he saw the other rooster were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Farmer Brown's amazement, old Homer had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and strut off to the next one. Farmer Brown was so impressed with old Homer, he entered him in the County Fair and Homer became an overnight sensation.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Homer the No Bell Piece Prize, but the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Homer was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace, and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year ... watch out for no bells...............
In a small town in Texas, a resident prepared to start up a bar/tavern business.
The local Baptist church started a campaign with petitions and prayers in an attempt to prevent the establishment from opening.
Work progressed, however, right up to the week of opening when a lightning hit the building, causing it to burn to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building either through direct or indirect actions by their prayers and petitions.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in a Statement of Defense.
As the case made it way through the Courts, the judge looked over all of the paperwork, and at the Hearing commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this. It appears from the paperwork we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that does not."
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Ricky, the 11 year old kid next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over to take a look. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem in short order.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless asked, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Eric grinned ... "Haven't you ever heard of an I D ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D I 0 T
I used the like that kid next door .........................
Wife: Leave me alone! Husband: It won't take long. Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Husband: I can't sleep without it. Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Husband: Because I'm Hot. Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times. Husband: If you loved me I wouldn't have to beg you. Wife: If you loved me you'd be more considerate. Husband: You don't love me anymore. Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. Husband: Please --- come on. Wife: Alright, I'll do it. Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight? Wife: I can't find it. Husband: Oh, for Heaven's sake, feel for it! Wife: There! Are you satisfied? Husband: Oh, Yes. Wife: Is it up far enough? Husband: Oh, that's good. Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
This is not a joke however, I thought I'd stick it in here seeing there are a lot of good folks here and tomorrow is Mother's Day.
****************
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'
'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'
Her mother explained each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Please feel free to share this little story (I JUST DID); to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.
A man and his ever nagging-wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker said to the husband, "You can have your wife's remains shipped home for $5,000.00 or, you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150.00.
The man thought about it for a few minutes and told the undertaker he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your wife's remains home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, in this Holy place for only $150.00.
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
She says, "Fine," then asks, "Well, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
"Fine", she says, "Then could you fix the steps to the front door? They are crumbling and dangerous."
"I'm not a carpenter," he replies, "and I don't want to fix the steps today! He says, "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so!. I'm going to the Bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours..........................
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.
Upon arriving home, he finds the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside on the steps and cried. Just then a nice young man came by and asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo......Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
I did not write this, but enjoyed reading it, so just had to share:
THE NOTE ON THE REFRIGERATOR:
My Darling Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the All Night Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset and I shall be home before midnight.
Michael
When the man came home later that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I read the letter you left for me on the refrigerator. Thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Amore with Steven, one of my student, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference ~ 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
A boy, about 10 years old, got on a bus and sat next to a man reading a book. He noticed the man had his collar on backwards. The kid asked why he wore his collar that way.
"I am a father," replied the priest.
"My dad doesn't wear his collar like that," said the kid.
Looking up from his book the priest said, "I am the father of many."
A bit confused the kid said "My dad has 4 girls and 4 boys and 2 grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar backwards.
The priest, a little impatient by now said, "I am the father of hundreds," and went back to his reading.
The kid sat quietly pondering this. As he was leaving the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards....."
Two men died and went to Heaven. As they sat at the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter, they struck up a conversation.
"How did you die?" the first man asked the second.
"I froze to death," replied the man.
"That's terrible," says the first man. "How did it feel to freeze to death? Was it very painful?"
"It was very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get terrible pains in your fingers and toes, but eventually you feel very warm and calm. Your whole body goes numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're going to sleep. How about you? How did you die?"
"I had a massive heart attack." said the first man. "You see, I pretty much knew my wife was cheating on me so I decided to show up at our home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found my wife sitting there, all by herself, knitting. So I ran down to the basement, but could not find anyone there either. Then I ran up to the second floor, but there was no sign of anyone there. So, I raced as fast as I could up to the attic and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head and says, "That is so ironic."
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If only you had stopped to look in the damn fridge, we'd both still be alive."
I was going to bed the other night when my wife told me that I had left the light on in the shed. She could see it from the bedroom window. As I looked for myself, I saw that there were people in the shed taking things. So, I phoned the police and was told that no one was in the area to help at this time, but they would send someone over as soon as they were available.
I said OK, hung up, and waited a few minutes, then I phoned the police back.
"Hello, I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed stealing my stuff. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've shot them all."
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the offers said, "T thought you said that you'd shot them!"
I replied with, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RCMP to the rescue: An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold and the rider was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.
In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carbuertor was frozen.
A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick for just such an occassion. "Trying peeing on it," the Mountie said, "that should thaw it enought to start."
"Can't," replied the rider.
So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.
A few days later, the local detachment received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP.
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa, knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is not seriously injured before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
It was a very small town and the patrolman was making his routine evening rounds.
As he was checking the used car lot on the corner, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped, watched them for a minute or two and then asked, "Excuse me ladies, why are you sitting in this car? Are you trying to steal it?"
"Heavens no," one of them replied, "We bought it."
"Really?" the patrolman asked suspiciously. " Then why don't you drive it away?"
"We can't drive," one of the ladies replied.
"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.
The one sitting behind the wheel replied, "We were told that if we bought a used car at this place we'd get screwed - so we're just waiting."
Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee in the worst way, but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a bit because he does not know what to say to Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to Jane and says, "Will you excuse me please, I have to go powder my nose," as he jumps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said little Johnny, as he jumped back into the sandbox.
"Well," says Jane, "You had better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"
If IBM made toasters ... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting.
IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters ... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Xerox made toasters ... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters ... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters ... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters ... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters ... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If Sony made toasters ... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Fisher Price made toasters ... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters ... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
Date: Monday, April 14, 2008 Offense #4422089 : iIn front of the computer TOO LONG!
Details of Offense :
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers, paper plates, and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW! Get off your butt - you'll thank us for it later.
There really is no effort in making this liqueur, but I do admit to having a taste every now and then. I bought two very cheap bottle of vodka and made two batches. It makes even the cheapest vodka taste smooth and delicious.(hick)
Guitarstrings Forum Posts (73)
RE: Come cheer me up thread
I used to be indecisive ~ Now I'm not sure.