Many many years ago, when I was twenty-three, I was married to a widow who was as pretty as can be, This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red, My father fell in love with her and soon they two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life, For my daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife. To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa. It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so -- I'm my own grandpa.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad, And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad, For if he was my uncle then that also made him brother Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who of course was my step-mother.
Now father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run. And he became my grandchild for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue, Because although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.
I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa. It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so -- I'm my own grandpa.
Oh, if my wife is my grandmother then I'm her grandchild. And every time I think of it it nearly drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw -- As husband of my own grandmother, I'm my own grandpa.
I'm my own grandpa, I'm my own grandpa. It sounds funny, I know, but it really is so -- I'm my own grandpa.
Seamus & Danny fell out of the pub at midnight & realized they'ld missed the last bus. "Dis is a tragedy in da makin,,, it's bloody freezin'" Says Seamus.
Half an hour later they are near death from exposure as they walk past the bus depot.
Danny halts the trek "Go & steal a bus. I rather go to gaol for teft than the morgue frozen stiff"
"oi oi,, good tinkin' lad. You keep nit" & off Seamus went.
Ten minutes pass & Danny impatient hissing whisper parts the mist "What da bloody hell are you doin'. I'm near death here!!"
"I can't foind da number tirteen bus!" Shamus responds.
Danny sighs." Well take da number 14,,, & we'll just have to walk from da roundabout"
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV? Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; Women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of 11: $ 16,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments..
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2nd, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later..
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? Their birthplace.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession
Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey
Q. Which days are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase 'Goodnight, sleep tight'
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was calledthe honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in Ye Olde England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'.
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
A band of amateur archaeologists announced today they have discovered a lost civilization of men nine feet tall in Californian caverns. Howard E. Hill, spokesman for the expedition, said the civilization may be "the fabled lost continent of Atlantis".
The caves contain mummies of men and animals and implements of a culture 80,000 years old but "in some respects more advanced than ours," Hill said. He said the 32 caves covered a 180-square-mile area in California's Death Valley and southern Nevada.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS SKEPTICAL
"This discovery may be more important than the unveiling of King Tut's tomb," he said. Professional archaeologists were skeptical of Hill's story. Los Angeles County Museum scientists pointed out that dinosaurs and tigers which Hill said lay side by side in the caves appeared on Earth 10,000,000 to 13,000,000 years apart. Hill said the caves were discovered in 1931 by Dr F. Bruce Russell, Beverly Hills physician, who literally fell in while sinking a shaft for a mining claim. "He tried for years to interest people in them," Hill said, "but nobody believed him." Russell and several hobbyists incorporated after the war as Amazing Explorations, Inc. and started digging. Several caverns contained mummified remains of "a race of men eight to nine feet tall," Hill said. "They apparently wore a prehistoric zoot suit--a hair garment of medium length, jacket and knee-length trousers."
CAVERN TEMPLE FOUND
Another cavern contained their ritual hall with devices and markings similar to the Masonic order, he said. "A long tunnel from this temple took the party into a room where," Hill said, "well-preserved remains of dinosaurs, saber-toothed tigers, imperial elephants and other extinct beasts were paired off in niches as if on display. "Some catastrophe apparently drove the people into the caves," he said. "All of the implements of their civilization were found," he said, "including household utensils and stoves which apparently cooked by radio waves." "I know," he said, "that you won't believe that." While of doubtful authenticity, this is an interesting story, to say the least. The last comment about cooking food with radio waves being unbelievable is ironic. That is the one thing that modern readers of the story could certainly believe was true, considering the widespread use of microwave ovens today. Who had heard of them in 1947?
Piute legends tell of a city beneath Death Valley that they call Shin-au-av. Tom Wilson, an Indian guide in the 1920s, claimed that his grandfather had rediscovered the place by wandering into a miles-long labyrinth of caves beneath the valley floor.
Eventually the Indian came to an underworld city where the people spoke an incomprehensible language and wore clothing made of leather.
Wilson told this story after a prospector named White claimed he had fallen through the floor of an abandoned mine at Wingate Pass and into an unknown tunnel. White followed this into a series of rooms, where he found hundreds of leather-clad humanoid mummies. Gold bars were stacked like bricks and piled in bins.
White claimed he had explored the caverns on three occasions. On one, his wife accompanied him; and on another, his partner, Fred Thomason. However, none of them able to relocate the opening to the cavern when they tried to take a group of archaeologists on a tour of the place.
It seems one local character knew how to find the place. Brandon relates that "Death Valley Scotty", an eccentric who spent millions building a castle-estate in the area, was known to go "prospecting" when funds ran low. Death Valley Scotty would check out for a few days of wandering in the nearby Grapevine Mountains, bringing back suspiciously refined-looking gold that he claimed he had prospected. Many believe that he got his gold from the stacked gold bars in the tunnel system beneath Death Valley.
Evidence of a lost civilisation in Death Valley came in a bizarre report of caves and mummies in the Hot Citizen, a Nevada paper, on August 5, 1947. The story ran as follows:
In Secrets of the Lost Races, Rene Noorbergen discusses the evidence for a cataclysmic war in the remote past that included the use of airships and weapons that vitrified stone cities.
The most numerous vitrified remains in the New World are located in the western United States. In 1850 the American explorer Captain Ives William Walker was the first to view some of these ruins, situated in Death Valley. He discovered a city about a mile long, with the lines of the streets and the positions of the buildings still visible. At the center he found a huge rock, between 20 to 30 feet high, with the remains of an enormous structure atop it. The southern side of both the rock and the building was melted and vitrified. Walker assumed that a volcano had been responsible for this phenomenon, but there is no volcano in the area. In addition, tectonic heat could not have caused such a liquefication of the rock surface.
An associate of Captain Walker who followed up his initial exploration commented: "The whole region between the rivers Gila and San Juan is covered with remains. The ruins of cities are to be found there which must be most extensive, and they are burnt out and vitrified in part, full of fused stones and craters caused by fires which were hot enough to liquefy rock or metal. There are paving stones and houses torn with monstrous cracks. [as though they had] been attacked by a giant's fire-plough."
These vitrified ruins in Death Valley sound fascinating--but do they really exist? There certainly is evidence of ancient civilisations in the area. In Titus Canyon, petroglyphs and inscriptions have been scratched into the walls by unknown prehistoric hands. Some experts think the graffiti might have been made by people who lived here long before the Indians we know of, because extant Indians know nothing of the glyphs and, indeed, regard them with superstitious awe.
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was very impressed.
The man thought about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
EliteOne Forum Posts (1,590)
RE: Time to stir the pot--Scientology?
Ron Hubbard one day has a whinge about paying too much tax so his friend accountant says “why don’t you start your own church” so it came to be!