I live in a quaint cottage near a state park in a resort area. My passion has always been to find a partner who wanted to fix the place up like something out of story book forest and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, I never found the partner. I tried fixing the place up myself over the year, and there were highs and lows. But it was always lacking the feminine touch.
Due to health problems that dream is now quite literally impossible. I simply don't have the physical stamina and energy to make it happen now. So my passion had evaporated into nothingness and now I'm just waiting to die.
That's the way I feel about it. I have no problem sending women I'm interested in an email. They just don't reply!
You can't get to know someone who won't even talk to you.
However, like Stace, in real life I do have problems approaching women that I'm attracted to. Especially if I have no clue about her 'availability' status.
In all truthfulness Leo, if this is your first presentation in a while don't even think about trying to be comedic.
Comedy can break the ice very nicely if it goes over well. On the other hand, if it flops you'll feel like the temperature just dropped to absolute zero!
Better off just sticking with your message. You might be surprised by some natural humor that may spontaneously arise without even planning it. Just stick to your message, and know that all of CS is standing behind you. So be sure you look good from the back too!
And make sure you're fly is up! I once gave a presentation to a group of unwed mothers with my fly down! To make matters worse my shirttail was even sticking out of it! Fortunately I was completely unaware of the situation until the last giggling unwed mother left the room. I was saved from the embarrassment of discovering the situation mid-lecture. It was still immensely embarrassing to realize it after the fact!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a kid when I grew up. I think I managed that. I don’t think there was ever a time in my life when I wasn't a kid.
Perhaps I missed out on being an adult?
The only area of my life that has gone unexamined, is the area of what it would be like to live with a loving partner. Unfortunately I can't just decide to examine that area on my own. That requires the participation of a second party and I have yet to find someone who wants to share that experience with me.
We really only have control over things that do not require the participation and consensus of another. Unfortuantely.
I never really thought of it that way before, but to pass judgment on someone as being too unconfident is really the same as saying that they aren't in your "confidence league".
But like you say, that can be worked out. What appears to be lack of confidence in a first meeting can actually be a complete non-issue after you actually get to know the person. They may very well be brimming over with confidence in areas that matter and simply not exude that aura when meeting new people for the first time in social settings.
Social confidence is only a very small part of areas in life where confidence is important. Moreover, lack of confidence in areas of romance, may not have anything at all to do with confidence levels in other social areas.
For example, I used to teach classrooms of 30 students. That's a form of 'public speaking'. I did that with great confidence. But put me in a room with a woman I'm attracted to and all of a sudden I appear to be the most unconfident social klutz on the planet!
So if she judges me by that, then she's missed out on a great guy who is very confident in other areas.
The confidence issue does seem to be is extremely important to women. Almost too important! Or perhaps I should say that women often place too much importance on the 'illusion' of confidence.
There are many different levels of confidence. It's not an absolute thing. People can be extremely confident about one thing and be completely unconfident about something else.
As an example, a friend of mine was a very outgoing person. He could strike up a conversation with any woman anywhere at anytime. He exuded confidence in that way. I, on the other hand, was always very shy about approaching woman.
Well, that friend of mine who exuded great confidence with the women lacked confidence in almost every other area of his life. He was afraid to try new things, he had no faith in himself to learn new skills, he had a very pessimistic view on his abilities in general.
Yet, when approaching women he exuded confidence like it was erupting from a volcano! And it showed too! He was very popular with the women.
So confidence is not something you can instantly know about a person. Just because they appear to be socially confident doesn't mean that they will be confident in other areas of life. And perhaps more importantly, just because a man is socially shy or appears to be socially unconfident doesn't mean that he has no confidence in the things that really matter.
In fact, the appearance of social confidence can often be an indication of something quite negative!
Players, and insincere men have NOTHING TO OFFER, and therefore NOTHING TO LOSE when they ask women out. If this women doesn't say yes, they'll just move on to the next one. It's no big deal for them. They exude social confidence because they have nothing to lose. What's to be unconfident about? Moreover, they also have plenty of practice hitting on women because they do it ALL THE TIME, so it's nothing special to them, it's just 'another hit'. No big deal.
Men who are very sincere about their feelings don't hit on just any woman. So right off the bat they lack experience hitting on women because they don't do it very often. Then on top of that, since they only hit on woman that they are genuinely prepared to give their heart to it's DEVASTATING to them when they are rejected. It's not just a matter of laughing it off and moving on to the next women they meet. It's a matter of having been emotionally rejected by the women they were seriously interested in. They are devastated and will most likely be emotionally zonked after that making them appear to be even less confident. Those sincere men 'may' very well be extremely confident in all other areas of life, whilst the players may be totally unconfident in matters that really matter.
So putting too much faith in the appearance of social confidence can often backfire on a woman. In fact, it quite often does. This may very well be the reason that women are so attracted to the insincere 'bad boys'. Those guys exude social confidence like it's spewing out of a volcano, which women find extremely attractive. They fall for the social confidence, and end up with a bozo who is not only unconfident in matters that really count, but he is also quite often and insincere self-centered jerk.
Disclaimer: I'm not saying that all socially confident men are insincere jerks. I'm just saying that some of the most insincere and confident men of all may very well appear to be totally unconfident socially, especially when trying to get to know a woman they have sincere and deep feelings for. That’s when they are the least confident of all. So if you go by that, you'll be rejecting the cream of the crop!
Great words Mike! And it's a pleasure to have YOU on the forums!
You add good stuff all the time. I read all your threads, and many of your posts. Don't think you are escaping my eye just because I don't respond to them all. I'm on dial-up, I have limited posting ability.
You're obviously a man of very high integrity and moral values, and that's always welcome on the forums. You're an asset to us here and we value YOU!
Maybe talk with his family if you feel that they might have bad feelings about your decision. If you are close with them they are probably always want to keep in touch with their grandchild. Yet at the same time they can't seriously expect you to not move on with your life.
It sounds like you're ready to move on but are hesitant because of feelings of guilt. But there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You can't change reality. You previous fiancé would want you to move on and be happy I'm sure. I'm sure his family will too! You just need to find a way to bring it up with them. I'm sure they will support you moving on with your future and then you'll feel much better having their support. You don't need their permission, but you would definitely feel good having their support. So if you can kind of bounce the idea off them just to see how they respond to it without actually making it like your asking for their permission. Then you'll feel so much better about it.
That's what I'd do. Moreover, just because you bounced the idea off them doesn't mean that you have to act on it. You'll feel better having their support even if you decide not to move forward anytime soon. Also, if you should happen to meet someone you'll already have the 'approval' issues out of your mind. I'd say bounce the idea around somehow to see how they react to it. I can't imagine you getting anything but approval and support. And then you'll feel better all the way around.
I've seen women go after jerks time and time again and I've watched whilst they totally rejected and ignored the decent honest men who wanted sincere long-term relationships.
So I certainly have to agree with Meilandra that it's certainly a common pattern. That doesn’t necessarily mean it's true in this case. But it has a high potential to be true.
I also here women saying that they wish it was written on the guys foreheads "I'm an insincere jerk". But from what I've seen it very often appears to be there in BOLD LETTERS. I've watched women hit on guys that I could tell were shallow jerks after having only met them for less than an hour. Yet these women not only go out with them for hours, days, weeks, and months, but they actually MARRY THEM!
If they can't see the guys are shallow jerks in all that time what does it take? I could have told you the guys were insincere jerks in less that a day, and CERTAINLY within the time span that those women spent with them.
What women find attractive about those guys totally eludes me. Yet I watch while women go back time and time again for the same type of shallow insincere guys. It's like it’s a pattern.
I don't get it.
I'm not saying that all women do this. But I've watched quite a few do this repeatedly over the course of my life. It must be pretty common because I don't know that many women yet I've seen observed this behavior fairly often. Extrapolate that to the general public and it must be pretty commonplace.
I think two people who can completely ignore each other will get along just fine.
I don’t think I'd have any problem with a woman living with me 24/7 as long as she leaves me the hell alone. I mean, could occasionally attack each other with licentious wanton intent. And of course, we'd eat together and do a lot of things together too. But when we are doing other things we simply wouldn't be interrupting each other all the time. I would gladly not interrupt her when she's busing talking to herself in the corner.
I'm real romantic though and I like to spoil, so I'd be bringing her breakfast in bed a lot, and things like that. We could take baths together too and wash each others backs. But sometimes I like to just lay back and soak in the tub, so maybe we'd have to get a bigger tub or a Jacuzzi or something like that.
If you didn’t live so far away I'd stop in and bother you once in a while Joanie.
I seriously need an extremely eccentric woman. For all intents and purposes she would probably qualify as being mentally ill by most psychiatrists. But to me she would be the only sane woman around.
I would need a woman who can lose herself in projects of her own. It doesn't really matter what those projects are. Whatever she likes to do. It could be painting, writing, sewing, talking to herself in the corner. Basically anything. Just as long as she isn't acting like a normal woman we'll be fine.
On the other hand, if I had to live with a normal woman I think I'd be lucky if I could put up with her for a full week.
I'm thinking about taking a trip around the country visiting mental hospitals to see what they have in stock. Maybe I could relieve them of a patient. I'd bring her home with me and take real good care of her.
Leo wrote: "Do any of us REALLY know ourselves" ? We often think we do. I have my doubts. Paws"
I'm not sure how you mean this Leo. I'm 57 years old and I can't honestly say that there was ever a time that I didn’t feel that I know who I am.
I'm not sure what you mean about "baggage". I don’t know if have any baggage because I'm not even sure what it is. Obviously, I'm the product of my life's experience, so in that sense I have a history. If history is baggage than I suppose everyone has baggage. I have no clue what you meant in the OP about thinking your baggage would fill a tea cup and then discovering that it's really the size of a Greyhound bus. But then I have had an entirely different history that you have. I know that you went through quite a shock at the end of your last marriage. Perhaps you're only just now coming out of that shock and that's what you are talking about.
I only wish that I could become involved with someone on a deep enough level to even be thrown into shock. You've gone through more emotional turmoil in the past six months that I've been though in the past six years. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad. I mean, on the one had it sound terrible, but on the other hand you seem to be interacting with other people on a pretty deep emotional level. In some ways I kind of which I could become that deeply emotionally involved with someone. I think I need some emotion stimulation. I'm starting to feel like a robot to be quite honest about it.
All I've ever wanted my entire live was a monogamous loving partner to share life with. Just down-to-earth loving companionship. From my point of view it's always been the woman who seemed to want more than that.
People always talk about THEIR tax money being spent for this or that or whatever.
I think that's a totally wrong view.
I just don’t even bother with all the insignificant numbers. The ONLY significant number is the amount written on my paycheck. That's what I actually MAKE.
All those other numbers are just part of the 'system' of a civilized economy-based society. They are meaningless. It was never really your money to begin with actually. That's a false illusion.
Say you get hired and they say they'll start you off at $30 an hour. You go home with that number in your head and you think that's what you are making. But when it comes time to get your pay check if you back-calculate the actual amount that you're check is written out for with respect to how many hours you worked you discover that you actually only made $15 an hour in actual CASH.
So there you have it. Why not just forget about taxes and realize that you are just working for $15 an hour and be done with it. That other $15 an hour was never really yours in the first place. To claim that it's YOUR TAX DOLLARS is really absurd actually.
Modern economy-based societies simply wouldn't work without the tax-base. So if that part of the economic machine didn't exist the whole system would collapse and you would even have a job at all. So making $15 an hour is better than not making anything right?
Taxes are just an illusion of money you never really earned. The fact that you actually see the numbers on your pay stub just adds to the illusion that it was actually your money at one time. But it never really was. Without the whole system in place there would be no jobs. And everyone would be backyard farmers to survive like the Amish people do.
I lost my mother almost two years ago. She lived with me the last six years of her life. I cared for her to the very end even when it became 24/7 care. I quit my job to be home with her at all times. I was very close to my mother and I still miss her dearly. It's funny how two years ago can seem like just earlier this morning.
When she passed away I wrote the following poem. I hope it's alright to share this with you, I imagine you feel very much the same way about your mom.
~ Empty Heart ~
~~~
Waves crash upon the rocks with undulating persistence washing away the sands of time that gave birth to our existence
From ashes to ashes and dust to dust everything cycles in form this is the nature of life as we know it it's a endless emotional storm
My mother was a living testament to the beautiful things that arise and now that she's gone there's nothing to do but wipe the tears from my eyes
Emptiness is but a void a void that carries great pain emptiness within my soul is an unbearable emotional drain
I loved my mother more than I can say I've told her many times but knowing that does not relieve the pain of all my crimes
In retrospect I could have done this, and that, and so much more my mother never thought like that she wasn’t one to keep the score
She accepted life with all its woes and rejoiced in all its joy the only wish she ever had was to love her little boy
She loved her little girl as well for love is what she was a thought of mom will bring a smile because it always does
It really is that simple my mother was like a star spreading rays of loveshine that traveled near and far
Missing her is hard to take her vacant room left in her wake death has shaken like a quake my empty heart so full of ache
Everything seems so futile now it doesn't make sense to plan nothing will ever replace her for nothing ever can
The tides recede from the rocky beach and sand is washed away loneliness lingers as the waters calm and emptiness fills the day
Sunlight glistens on the ocean's skin sparkling like a magical wand a visual signal from heaven a message from the great beyond
Life as we know it is temporary for everyone dies in the end life's an illusion of atoms and dust an illusion we all must transcend
My mother's in spiritual form once again and she's watching her little boy grow I need to be thankful for all of her memories and for all that she gave me I owe
I can't now go back to give her more love but I can live with love in my heart for this is what my mother would wish and it's what I must impart
The empty void that fills my heart will not be easy to ignore but filling it with love will be, my most endearing chore
Loving my mother is still alive even though she's no longer here I'll love her forever with all of my heart as I pursue my empty frontier
Mike Wrote: "Could is an alternative way to think about the problem at hand. What I "Could" I do, instead of What "Should" I do."
I think one idea behind this is when we are faced with a problem.
If we are stuck in the rut of thinking in terms of what we "should" do, then we are thinking only in terms of things that we believe will solve the problem.
If we get out of that rut and think in terms of what we "could" do, then we can actually list a lore more possibilities. In other words, we get out of the mode of thinking about things we believe to be possible solutions, and expand our ideas to encompass every possible idea that 'could' be done.
That may sound strange, but it really can help. It's called 'brainstorming'. When faced with a problem just brainstorm every possible thing that you 'could' do without regard to whether or not you 'should' do it. Then, after you are armed with every possible thing you 'could' do, you are in a better position to chose from that list which one you think you 'should' do.
It's just a way of getting out of a rut and viewing more possibilities, that you wouldn’t normally think of if you remain in the rut of always thinking in terms of what you 'should' do.
It may seem like a subtle difference, but it really can work. It causes you to 'back-off' the problem and see a bigger picture. You might end up with something that you 'could' do that you would have never originally thought that you 'should' do.
Boy, that's tough, I can't narrow it down to just one person, and I hate to list a bunch because I know that I'll miss somebody really important. But I'm feeling brave tonight. So in no particular order,…
Those are all the 'oldies' I don't mean they are old, they've just been on CS like FOREVER
newcomer women:
Wildflowerjj Xstacy
Not to imply that I don't like other people, but all of the above I have actually exchanged emails with on a friendly basis.
Men:
Paws Rainbowslider AdventureBegins Tampa Tumpa Illuminate <-- haven't seen Laser Beam around for a while Mike1162 dbert <-- used to hang together a lot on the forums many moons ago he's brilliant
Actually all these guys are pretty deep. I guess that can be taken to mean different things huh?
I'm sure I've missed other significant friends and I'll hear about that.
Abracadabra Forum Posts (3,302)
RE: What is your passion?
You better have an expedient lawyer! I'm not feeling very well today.