In the last year of my marriage I used to lay in bed at night.. waiting for him to come home, (with my heart THUMPING in my chest- I'm sure you know that one) .. and think of what I could do to get rid of him. I came up with alsorts of things.. but was too scared to carry them out.
But at the very very end of my marriage.. one of the reasons I was FINALLY able to MAKE it end.. was because I *knew* if he laid one finger on my children (not counting me) again I was going to lose it.
Something in my head had changed and instead of standing there begging him to stop and crying my eyes out. (which I had done for 10yrs) I just felt absolute *RAGE* instead.
It scared ME that I *knew* I was prepared to kill him to make it stop.
The final time that did it for me was standing at the sink washing dishes .. with the knife block to the right hand side of me. I remember he came in and off he went.. it started.. he went on and on and ON.. and I remember TRYING not to cry and keep washing up.. but my eyes kept on and ON looking at the knife block.
Then it was battle inside myself.. *Pick up the knife Claire!*... No no DON'T look at them Claire.. *Pick up the knife Claire!!! Nooo Claire.. don't even LOOK at them!!
That was whizzing around inside my head until I couldn't stop shaking. Brain over load. Thats also why I believe people when they say they don't remember doing it.. *It was all just a blurr*.... I believe that.. because it's EXACTLY how I felt at that moment.
ha! actually.. that just upset me allowing myself to think of that moment. :: wipes eyes ::
But that was the very moment I KNEW I had to end the marriage.. whatever it took.. instead of wimping out as I had a million times before. Because If I didn't end it NOW.. I WAS going to kill him.. and I knew I wouldn't have been able to control myself.. If I had stabbed him once.. I would have stabbed him 100 times.. just to make him STOP.
Eupho Forum Posts (6,581)
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RE: HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE KILLING SOMEBODY ..??..WHAT HAPPENED ?..AND WHAT STOPPED YOU DOING IT ?
Me too Linda..In the last year of my marriage I used to lay in bed at night.. waiting for him to come home, (with my heart THUMPING in my chest- I'm sure you know that one) .. and think of what I could do to get rid of him. I came up with alsorts of things.. but was too scared to carry them out.
But at the very very end of my marriage.. one of the reasons I was FINALLY able to MAKE it end.. was because I *knew* if he laid one finger on my children (not counting me) again I was going to lose it.
Something in my head had changed and instead of standing there begging him to stop and crying my eyes out. (which I had done for 10yrs) I just felt absolute *RAGE* instead.
It scared ME that I *knew* I was prepared to kill him to make it stop.
The final time that did it for me was standing at the sink washing dishes .. with the knife block to the right hand side of me. I remember he came in and off he went.. it started.. he went on and on and ON.. and I remember TRYING not to cry and keep washing up.. but my eyes kept on and ON looking at the knife block.
Then it was battle inside myself.. *Pick up the knife Claire!*... No no DON'T look at them Claire.. *Pick up the knife Claire!!! Nooo Claire.. don't even LOOK at them!!
That was whizzing around inside my head until I couldn't stop shaking. Brain over load. Thats also why I believe people when they say they don't remember doing it.. *It was all just a blurr*.... I believe that.. because it's EXACTLY how I felt at that moment.
ha! actually.. that just upset me allowing myself to think of that moment. :: wipes eyes ::
But that was the very moment I KNEW I had to end the marriage.. whatever it took.. instead of wimping out as I had a million times before. Because If I didn't end it NOW.. I WAS going to kill him.. and I knew I wouldn't have been able to control myself.. If I had stabbed him once.. I would have stabbed him 100 times.. just to make him STOP.
Soo .. yeah.. I HAVE almost killed someone.