AnnBrown Poetry (18)

Darkness descends
This time has changed
To walk beside the shadows
As a voice like silk washes over me

And he is free
It says
As I bow my head
And in contemplation drift soulessly

I am not without reservation
I heard what was said
He will live endlessly

But I remember the indecision
I remember feeling like glass
As he closed his eyes - I was thinking
How long had he been holding my hand

And it was over
Long before time could prepare us
This darkness descends
So inappropriately

Once falling
And then biting our hands
Grabbing at innocense
Amorphous to the dance

Of common sense
Or the gifts of survival, as
We shrink silently
Like children, move quietly

Away

But I remember the confrontation
I remember lying awake
When I knew he was gone - I was feeling
That we had both been betrayed

I am not without admiration
I believe the timing was more than just circumstance
That there is something worth keeping
By what remains

I know I've crossed that line with you
Watched the earth shatter in your eyes
I knew it

And time won't change the face of your demons
Or bury what was said
To bring them here

So walk away
Take it on faith there's no one looking back
Walk past forgiveness, ignore it
Don't think anything of it
This is the easiest way to take the blame
To hide behind yourself for a while
In denial

I know I pushed you too hard
Saw the whole universe crushed in your mind
I felt it

And no one knows how long you've held your end
No one can imagine how it feels
To be you bleeding

So throw it away
Trust there's no one who can understand
Sacrafice your freedom
With no questions, take the deliberate way out
Hide the marks of where you've been
This is the easiest way to make truths of lies
In denial

I can't change the shapes of the reasons
Why I put it out there
With you

I won't take back what it was that unnerved you
Or supress the strength it takes
To love you

So just walk away
Pretend I'm not here existing with you
Imagine you're the only thing that's real in here
Without concern for repercussions or justice
Just close your eyes and believe
This is the easiest way to live with what's inside
Denial

deleted entry. See version of same name.

The fire has burned down low
I can hardly see your eyes
But you gaze with a steady ease
I can feel inside

Time drifts off into memories
The quiet peace of lifetimes
Compacted into one moment like this
Where everything is right

And my heart follows you
Wherever you happen to go
As we fall into our web of dreams
We will not be alone

As you rise by the fading light
Your figure before me a familiarity
I've grown accustomed to believing
Is like my own

The distance between us ebbs
As a tide moving back again
And stirs the gentle, restless fluttering, still
Of my heart from within

In the moment before you speak
Before the words have found your lips
I can feel them
The tone and manner of their kiss

And you reach a hand toward me
As a invitation to Endymion
As a set of wings over vast seas
"Will you follow me?"

And as I rise I sense the darkness is just a veil
A sacred place for us to begin
This life we've chosen together, hand in hand
Where the fires will never dim

These things always stare like a moment
Of grim denial
In the face of all the best efforts
Every second bruised by contusions
Of bitter sweet requite

Those flowers can never testify
Their last breath spent
As forlorn as their death has been
I have come to understand
What was once, we have only left

And as long as I've been holding on
As often as I've cried
I have now opened my eyes
Don't you always know
When it's time to say goodbye

So let the glass fall out of our hands
Break the waves of regret and foolishness
I'll walk this road from here on
With a vivid reprieve of forgiveness
For standing so long in the darkness

I'll give as good as I get
Better, even, for having known this death
And walk away from the mistakes
With something like an acumen of grace
Despite the belittling and lack of interest

And as long as I've been waiting here
As many times as I've compromised
I can just touch the serenity
Don't you always know
Regardless of the heart or the mind
Sometimes
When it's time to say goodbye

These are the hallways
The hidden wandering of the mind
The last remnants of sanity
The last memory, the last time

If you ask me, I'll walk along
Through the shadows of my lost inside
And ask any questions
But remember to speak quietly, I might hide

And we'll go through the twists and turns
I might even be aware of
The dreams I had when I was well
And believe I can be again
You never can tell

This is the waterfall
The pouring out of my life's pursuits
The times I wanted and lost it all
The rocky shoreline I waded through

If you ask I'll follow you
Through the corridors and darkened rooms
All the memories I've locked away
But remember to walk slowly, I might stray

And we'll know exactly what happened here
I might even remember
A time when we were together
And believe we could be again
You can never tell

But this is the last time
I will follow you down this road
One last journey to no man's land
The last glance

Then I'll stand
Alone in the caverns of my own fears
One thing I can be sure of
That I know I can depend upon
What I had was not enough

So this is the picture frame
I hoped to fill with the truth
The always constant reminder I quell
One day I might even put it where it can be viewed
Maybe
You never can tell

So pale
Devistation washes as water
Over flesh

The instinct
Is to turn away
And escape the impressions

At best
The only illusion
Is fate

Does she not understand
The space the world has provided
Distinctly she curls up her hands
Gives wings to dark horizens

I am
Irrepressively changed
As I watch her
And am secretly ashamed

There
In the caverns of my thoughtlessness
I am made aware

So fragile
She shatters like china
Tossed upon sand

The moments are
racked with contusions
Retreat is impossible

At best
This is not much better
Than death

Does she see the confusion
With grim eyes like heartbeats in grey
As she stands in her doorway
Speaking with images and clay

I am
Unbelievably horrified
As she loses her mind
I see myself in her eyes

And we fall
The darkness of senselessness
As a mirage

Shake it off
But we cannot breathe emptiness
Like it or not

She is there
Inside this existance
Like me

Inexorably petrified
Pretending to reason
She needs faith to believe

Just like me...

There you were
Asking my forgiveness
And I couldn't think
Couldn't even breathe

The air so thick
With emotions
I didn't realize I could feel

There you were
Your outstretched hand
Like a brush with reality
I was unprepared to feel

Through fear and discontent
Heartache too severe
To articulate

I was paralyzed
By my own grief
So much so I had no sense
Or wits about me

Didn't we forge our own mistakes
When had I become so innocent
Why were we lacking in common sense
When we started this

And I stood aware
As the words poured out of you
That love was this lifeless body
In my soul

Whose eyes were downcast
Frozen; dead
Whose glazed expression
Bore the emptiness alone

And told of failed deliverance
Lying upon the doorway of truth
It was hard to believe
Everyone could see it but you

Didn't we ask for our own defense
The strong blade of preservation
Was it too brief our own discipline
To prevent these wounds

Truth needed to gather up these pieces
That bitterness tore
But time remained a distanct relic
Too encumbered, too slow

As you waited for reaction
I knew I had no answer
And from my doorway
I watched you go

And when you were out of sight
I felt the stirring
A restless twitch of the body inside me
Just once as I closed the door.

Dreams blind my conscious thoughts
Leading far beneath the waves and sense of space
Stranger's shadows move slow across the expanse
Of tides forsaken, and darkness bides me on

Soft the feel of weightless contemplation
Alone beside wandering companions, faces half-lit
And moonlight enticing
Searching into the furthest reaches of this place

Inside, the world offers glimpses of the unending
Where I come face to face with traces of my greatest longings
Shadowed always in just barely perceptible views
Entangled, entwined with my desire for you

And as I breathe
As shades and shapes of light blend, bending the silence
Into hallways of memories just beyond where I am
As I am thoughtlessly, unconsciously drifting toward them

I am lost again
Haunted in the lugubrious mansions of unspoken demands
Without know it then, I am searching for you

Here my eyes see, where mists travel across the atmosphere
And I walk inbetween knowing and forgetting who I am
Or why I came here, following one moment to the next
No will to change my pace or question it

Here, where voices merge into doorways and I open them
Where with no manner or grace a hand sinks through the flesh
And chills melt the heart with sudden, shocking revelations
Of times that will come or have passed

Always just before me, as sands beneath my feet give way
And velvet curtains flutter, yeilding to the oceans of air above
Gentle, whispering breezes leading me ever onward
And the feeling is like floating, like being carried home

There over pathways and mazes, over fires and cascading hillsides
Into the steep surrender of my deepest, best kept secrets
Bared before the mind untroubled, unhindered, allowed to admit it freely
The heart
Always just on the edge of bleeding and hiding it beautifully

Wanting to be found again
Haunted by the delusions of a comfort without substance or truth
I was searching even as my mind was drifting
For you

I relied on you
I found each day alive with potential
I wanted to

I held your hand
I felt the earth shift with anticipation
awaiting the moment of truth

I had my something to believe in
I had that sudden sense of free fall
And as each moment passed
As time seemed only momentary
As I glanced at you
There was only something extraordinary

I put my faith in you
I trusted the world around us
Wanted this too

I kissed your lips
I felt the stars burning over us
Were swaying with the moon

I had my perfect whirlwind
I knew there was nothing better
And as the ticking of the clock delayed
As time drifted and left us to our ways
As though it was only momentary
As my eyes found you
There was only something extraordinary

She's like a window
Whose panes reveal
A hollow soul

She's like an open book
Whose pages express all
But no one cares to look

She is resistant
Yet a fragile leaf
That could crumble in the sun

She is in total control
Though a shadow
One moment there, and then is gone

She holds her secrets
And I envy her ability
To go on

She's like the sunset
Whose multi colors
End with night

She is impossible
And simple
Alive

She is the opposite
Of worthlessness
And still fights to survive

She is above reality
Whose wrapping arms
Reach past her dreams

And distill her
From within
Into opposing things

She is like this...

Don't ask me what those dreams mean
For yesterday has breathed its last
And I have come away with a dignified grace
Only half deserved as I imagine the past

In retrospect
I suppose I might have understood
What others expected to see
What is there in my own defense
But that I came to terms with this
Long before

You can ask how long I dreamed them
For I do remember in terms of years
And though it feels like ages, somehow they are still here
Glittering, as shards of glass through tears

In retrospect
I suppose I might have wanted
To watch them fade into shadows
What do I have to say for myself
But that they were beneath my veins
Long ago

And immortality becomes the lens we look through
As though these things counted as eternity
I know they did for me

Don't ask me now why my heart bleeds
The heart, once scarred bleeds continuously
As phantom pain

In retrospect
I suppose I might have tried to analyze
What I had to gain
What was there in my own life
But that which I did not understand
Long ago