rugged_one Poetry (12)

I reherse the words in my mind over and over I say them,
my eyes touch yours in a moment of courage I look to my shoes as if they are interesting, I walk away with tears in my heart not able to choose direction, affection brims inside me I feel like I'll explode if I don't find my way, I start to implode.
I wish I could and know I should just take the risk and show you, but when I'm near you my heart turns to glass and all that courage I just mustered well it disappears real fast, you smile when you are near me making my heart swell am I reading the signs correctly? Taking the risk is the only way I'll tell, please don't reject me...
Your that beautiful girl that my mother said would truly understand me, I've waited so long for one like you will you just show some intiative, and take control and show me the way cause my girl like I always say tomorrow is another day.
No! my heart screams at me making my strong mind for awhile just listen, you've wasted too many days just take the risk and show her of your interest, my mind starts racing scanning every crevice of possibility opening doors and shutting them just as quickly.
"Tomorrow will be my day" I say with utter conviction doubting the words as I say them knowing too well this condition, I will and I can do this I mumble into my beard, for too long my sweet heart has been controlled by my strong minds fears.
I fall asleep as always dreaming of being truly accepted loved an cared for never judged tomorrow damn it I will show you.....

More than a feeling, is it the truth that I'm seeing?
I don't know the answers and constantly think this will end in disaster..
I may be wrong on everything and not realize what I'm doing, to you the woman who has given me so much and whom I love so so much, But my girl I need to trust someone other than myself, But its hard with the cards the divine to me has dealt making life a little tough we've journeyed the waters so rough, only to end up in paradise but refusing to believe that this could be what we've both yearned for so much.
You say I'm a special kind of guy and for me you only have eyes, I believe you as you speak from the heart I know its true as your eyes tell a story of truth I know this much, But for one like me who has a gift/curse of aspergers its all about the routine ya know like friday night hamburgers, most women find me alot repulsive LOL like when they look beyond my skin and thier stomachs get a little convulsive, but not you with your beautiful white soul, you make my heart spin outta control scaring the $#%@ outta my boring routine and helping me forget the hurts from life I've gleaned, you say I'm a risky business but to be honest your the reason my heart has forgotten her sickness...

Here's a little ryhme
I hope it helps you find
a way to get some decent sleep
indeed its not a cure
as the ingredients aren't pure
but its intent is for your heart to keep
Love gets tough I know
I've the scars to show
of my own battles fought for love
but know this to be true
when someone truly loves you
your as free as the birds above
freely do you show
of how your heart glows
and how and why so much do you care
for everything you possess
won't cure the stress
of having no one with which your heart can freely share.....

I love you my beautiful thing
you give my heart something,
Like a photograph caught in time
reassuring me your mine,
Please stay this way my beautiful thing,
I don't want you to grow
changing into someone too,
I want you all shiny and new
just like when I got you,
I love you my beautiful thing...
Why don't you love me anymore?
its you this much I do adore,
I tell you my hearts truth
you smile and say "I haven't a clue",
Know I loved you my beautiful thing.
Yesterday you left me a note
describing of how your heart broke,
You say I only look with my eyes
and my heart lives in disguise,
You loved me! please stop yelling..

My heart shattered in silence
empty.. no energy for defiance,
Heartbeat now, thoughts of you silenced
minds so close but forever distant
I'm sorry my beautiful ...

I thank you all for your insightful comments, but these words of mine are a reflection of a souls torment, its taken a long time to get to a light but now I'm here the end is no longer in sight, my dark place was beautiful for me as it showed me the truth beyond all the bullshit we sometimes choose to see, I could indeed put my blinkers on and not acknowledge my pasts song, but everything I am is important for a reason as to ignore it would be equivalent of personal treason, I'm not as dark and bitter as my words express but the importance of my experiences I cannot stress.
So I move onwards confident in my new version stll the same in many ways I'm sorry if some have an aversion to the raw truth I sometimes impose so I shall continue to share these thoughts into words now composed, oneday we all will know such truth lifting our heads looking beyond our own roofs, that prevent many from coming to the fore chringing and hiding behind closed doors, we all hold the keys in this life come on lets have a laugh forget the strife...

Shadows move and fall behind
I walk to the light
Are they playing with my mind?
turn around no one in sight,
My eyes flit like a scared bird
heart races like a rabbit
voices taunt but go unheard
I run out of habit
this presence is behind
so I run faster still
fear now turns me blind
my bladder starts to spill
I scream at the cold touch
of one who has no soul
the reaper's here as such
to throw me in a hole
I don't want to go just yet
but fear I have no say
My soul is up for a collect
can I have one more day?
"Sure" says a voice so deep
sending shivers down my spine
I ask for another week
Trying to get more time
You can have as long as you like
but it'll be worse next time
I'll have your head on a spike
If you choose to take this line
the choice is yours to make
Hurry up I need feeding
My soul is mine I say
you'll do no such feasting
I try again to run away and hide
But soon know its futile
The reaper swings his mighty scythe
My throat fills with bile
You can't run from me
The reaper says with contempt
Your soul needs to be freed
So now your life is exempt.....

Please don't tell me its ok and that positive thoughts will brighten my day, you see its my right to be who I want to be, life leaves scars on all of us I don't need no one making a fuss, I think its the negative people which make the world a positive place positive people equal a plastic face, the truth within gives pain and its my right should I choose to sit in the rain, I don't hate people they hate me looking through glazed greedy eyes their contempt for me is hard for them to disguise, so I just fight fight fight no one anywhere has the right to tell me which way to live my life, I don't mind being on the outside looking in watching observing from my point of safety.
No one can hurt me anymore as I've chosen to shut the door on a culture that can't handle the truth and its people like me who are the proof, why do they feel the need to heal/cure people like me? I'll tell you why cause the truth in my eyes makes them uncomfortable with their own lies...

Darkness descends upon my heart mind body and soul torn apart , freedom in death my only escape the biggest of choices left to make.
I've fought this battle with every ounce of my soul but now I fear it has taken its toll, my mind is slipping losing control my heart sinks I can't go on anymore.
Get up! a voice screams from deep inside I'm not ready just yet to lay down and die, Fight you must with the courage of light as its the battle you fight for freedoms right.
I dig my heels in ready to attack these demons will pay for thier knives in my back, I lift my head and look to the sky "listen to me you bastards I'm not here to die" I move to dodge another attack then I feel it the pain ends my advance, silence now envelopes my soul eyes still seeing the battle unfold flesh from bone rendering blows "no respect for life" I think, then my eyes close.....

There comes a time in ones life when its about truth and happiness forget the strife, I've been just exhisting waiting for the sign, as always there is nothing is it that I'm blind, I don't want to believe it could be true its just of all the colours my soul chose blue,I ponder how could this be afterall I'm the one who holds the key.
And now the clouds are starting to part "what is this warmth I feel? could it be my heart?" Its been so long I just don't know all I know is I want it to grow, Feeling like sunshine with its warmth and its light encouraging my soul to stand upright, I feel it growing and coming alive buzzing and working its magic like bee's in a hive.
What is it that has opened my heart and mind? It is you my dear with your smile and thoughts so kind, no one is perfect we know this to be true but this gift for my heart has come from you...

The time has come for us my friend, we know the end is near but we should feel no fear cause its been along time on its way, we've worked and played the days away and always had some fun, the finish line is here and yet my feeling s of fear have disappeared like a setting sun, tomorrow is another day as they say and I'm sure I'll find a way, to work out why my eyes are dry when my heart feels so low, soon you go to a place I don't know but for you its as good as home with familiar faces and happy places I can see your smile show.
I don't regret the time we spent because it was fate that brought us together but now we part and its like the start of a brand new adventure, Which path will my journey take me? only fate knows the answer, but know this to be true the time spent with you will be a time I'll always remember :)

You like Jeans I like skirts neither of us can stand button up shirts, Your interested in shampoo's and have worn out many a brush whilst my hair remains relatively untouched, Driving along I like to sing you prefer silence as your con-cen-trat-ing, I like a good steak with serves of gravy and chips no its salmon for you gotta watch your hips, At times our love is as sweet as sugar and others it seems as though hell could be cooler then again we have times of immense delight and all our troubles for awhile remain outta sight, Its true my dear we are of the opposite type like you are day and I am the night together we walk forget the hype this is as real as it gets for me and you my delight.....

Some of us exhist some of us live like its a race whatever path we choose time moves at its own pace.How is it our hearts are drawn together? Feeling if only briefly it should be forever. Could it be that we have a lesson the other has yet to learn? to prepare for the future and avoid lifes burns.
There has to be a reason why something wrong feels right, how our tenderness of intent can turn away the night.. why does the feeling just go? moving along quietly it lets nobody know. As if trying to silently flow no lights or noise only my scars show. This is when the lesson has been taught, hiding in the shadows it knows when to come forth. Believe it a lesson doesn't need a beginning or an end it just needs to be learnt then its time is spent. Teaching us what we will need to know being our master showing us a way to grow. Could this be a reason why strangers unite fires burning brightly only to fade from sight, with fond memories being all that remains, leaving two people unique and special but never the same.