DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh damn'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. It's best use is for igniting new seat covers, or lighting cigarettes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
And last but not least:
SON OF A ***** TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need, and at times must be retrieved from across the road.
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet.
What do objective and subjective mean? Objective means verifiable information based on facts and evidence. Subjective means information or perspectives based on feelings, opinions, or emotions.17 Aug 2023
“Objective” vs. “Subjective”: What's the Difference? - Grammarly grammarly.com
Dear Son, I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast. There are a few things happening here at home. We don't live where we did when you left -- your father read in the paper that most car accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because we moved into your cousins old house, and they took the numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address. The new place has a washing machine! It's in a small room that also has a shower in it. The first day, I put four shirts in. I pressed the lever, and I haven't seen them since. The weather is nice here. It rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. Remember that coat you wanted me to send you? Well, your aunt said that it would be too heavy to send in the mail, so we cut the buttons off and put them in the pocket. Monday, we got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral ... up she comes ... Your father has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's cutting grass at the cemetery. Your brother's wife had a baby this morning. We don't know whether it's a boy or a girl, so we don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. Your uncle fell in the whiskey vat and drowned. We cremated him. He burned for 3 days. Last week, 3 of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving, and the other two were riding in the back. The driver rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much else. Write more often. Love, Mom
P.S. -- We would have sent money, but the envelope was already sealed.
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. "Look what you did to my car" he yells. "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" "Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do." "Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. "So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp." "I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said…. "For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals..... NOT dolphins!"
An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in.
As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter.
The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.
Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10 The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100 please use the ATM.” The old lady wanted to know why ... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.” The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow? The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000 "Well, please let me have $3000 now", she The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account. the moral of this tale ....... Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
"Man, once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind. With such persons, gullibility, which they call faith, takes the helm from the hand of reason and the mind becomes a wreck." -- Thomas Jefferson, letter to James Smith, 1822
you sound like that fellow who was entertaining people with tales about all the places hehad been! One of his listeners said,:you sure know you way around Geography! Fellow said:
online today!Conrad73 Forum Posts (59,470)
RE: Daily Chuckle II
Holy Moly