My bad habit is to skip meals (or have no appetite), sleep (or be unable to sleep), or workout…generally my daily routine really messes up when something serious bothers my mind. I told myself, “try a bit more. No coffee, movies or holiday until completion.” However, some issues take more days and effort than I expect. So, I stay neither focused nor relaxed. As the result, I am stuck in the feelings of depression, self-disappointment; I see myself useless, lonely and get lost…
I am always aware that I am lucky enough to have a good health, good friends and a family in which everyone never wants to bother or worry me and lets me live a free life I want….I always appreciate those things and thank life to have given me love, protection and challenges, which were luckily not too harsh. However, all the above are not enough to take away the feeling of loneliness in my soul and it is the main reason to destroy me. I am usually in the state of suffering instead of enjoying life; usually have to make effort to be able to find happiness instead of seeing it available. Happiness is not only you simply dress up, drive a beautiful scooter, hang out with friends and get good food. Happiness, in my almost 30 year old eyes, is you have a dream and try to make it come true, you live for yourself and for others, you love and are loved, you have belief today is better than yesterday and the future will be better than the present. I know each person has her own definition on happiness, which is subject to what she wants in life. When you are in 20s, you want experience; in 40s you want stability, in 50s you (women) want the days when you were young and beautiful but in 60s, you may start to want nothing but health….At the age of 29, I have almost gone through the 10 year period of 20s, a very fundamental phase of life that will decide how one’s future will be and I feel impatient with what I currently have, which I know won’t change if I do not try harder. In my own world of reality and dreams, I recognized how deep the feeling of loneliness runs inside me. No one is there, beside and behind me, to make me feel I am cared, protected and safe.
Some people feel shy to confess they are lonely. They are afraid of being looked as pitiful and boring persons, who don’t know how to enjoy life or accept what life gives in the present. However, as human beings, loneliness, like all other emotional status such as happiness, sadness, sorrow or joy is needed to be cared for and treated fairly. We have suffered so much pressure in life; tried to do a lot of things: to work, to learn, to manage social relationships, to avoid temptation…So, no reasons for us to ignore, hind or fake our emotions regardless they are positive or negative…no matter how bad or panic we feel due to that as they themselves need being soothed, eased and cared. Honestly, loneliness is one of emotions coming to me frequently. Sometimes it is good as it helps me get to know myself better, feel the depths of my soul and see beauty from simple and small things of life.
Sometimes, it is likely loneliness pulls me down to the bottom of a dark valley. But I can’t compromise with myself on going out with the persons who I know are boring, shallow and tedious…or simply are not my type. I used to try before and saw it just a waste of my time and his. I also realized what remained after a few hours of such meetings was the feeling of blankness. I believe in fate (or destiny) and its arrangement. If I am not destined to meet my man, I won’t try to seek any longer. I won’t try to change the situation I am in now. Instead, I will change myself with a strong hope it will finally help bring a better situation for me. Some things I want to change immediately are to go to a bar or watch a movie alone; however, the most important change needed is to focus on work and the related plans.
20110202
A grey raining day such as today makes me think of my writing for the rainy day of April a few years back that was named Rainy April.
I, again, consider it as a scratch to my life. After all of anger, resentment, lament, the only thing to rescue a person from his pain and envy is generosity. It is generosity to self. The past, whatever it has been, is still the past and no matter whether or not you like it, it has already happened. However, it will be a lesson, an experience and sure that, no one can swim twice in the same river. Let forgive for all of clumsiness, mistake I have made, all of greed and selfishness that were once within me, and the times I was off track. Forgive all. Somewhere else, there would be one like me, still on the way, seeking honesty. And, though, my belief may be worn out a little like this time, to live, there is no other choice except that I have to continue to believe.
Tomorrow is another day, again. I keep busy with work. Honestly, I have never been in the sluggish state like this time, losing all energy and enthusiasm in life, the hobbies of myself becoming less attractive, unable to cheer me up. Every evening, after a day of working aimlessly, the only thing I do is to toss myself on the bed, feeling floated and vague. Then, sleep comes…restless and unsettled…. It seems that everything is blank and empty in me. May be…may be now I am so weary for having been expecting an honest affection for years which then can become a sweet memory that whenever I remember, I would feel warm, happy and appreciated in the heart. It is an unrealistic wish, isn’t it? Is honesty just another trait among the numerous different characteristics existing in a person, of which we have to be patient, persistent and kind to earn it?
Sharing is a wonderful thing. Your life would be more romantic, sweet when you have someone to be shared it with when you are sad or happy, when you are healthy or sick. Your life would be more joyful and meaningful when sometimes you cook and there is someone to enjoy your meals. Your life would be much easier when you are down, stressed, lonely and there is someone to be by your side at any time, cheer you up and make you laugh. I wish I could have someone like that but I understand that there is nothing I can do to create a special relationship because it comes if it truly comes.
Aug 14, 2012 6:51 PM
I am still on the way to seek stability. But I think I know how to live better now, thinking about what I have experienced recently; I don’t feel guilty or regretful as I did when I was young (20-25). I control myself better, reserve my emotions more and behave rationally; though, this means I find myself sometimes in conflict between a wish for love and an empty feeling in my heart when someone give a hint that he wants to care for me.
Previously, love (or a mental connection with a man) was regarded as the sole way to ease uncertainty in my soul. It helped me become strong, positive and fully energetic. However, when such connection was cut off, it was my soul that suffered severe disorientation and unbalance. I realized that the power I possessed was just a power of a tree living dependently on another tree’s body, and there is more risk than ever when I look for the balance inside myself from a man’s love or concern. As he came then went away and the gift of energy to love and live that he gave me before also went along with him. Now, men, to me, similar to coffee, clothes, perfume or a lipstick…are not the creator of happiness or depression; but simply Mr. Helpful to make me laugh, relax and make my life colorful.
Now it is 7:26pm, a day is going to end; I still have 2 important emails waiting for me to reply. It is not simple I just give answers but have to make decisions. Further delay is not allowed but I am still stuck for it. Many things fill my mind that overwhelms me….
I had a lazy Sunday, got out of bed at 10am, then went to a hair salon to get a new hair style; back home at noon and had a late lunch with steamed pork, pumpkin and sweet corn soup and a cup of green tea, and enjoyed a romantic movie, “Boys and Girls”. Ruby, my friend and neighbor, went into my room. She said she would move to a house of her mom’s friend, a rich and high class person, who promised to support her and help her find a good job. Above all, she expected living in a house within a rich area and living close to the persons at a high social status will give her better chances of a better life that if it is her alone, it will be much tougher and take longer time to archive. I felt happy for her as at least now she could be relaxed a bit and take pressure of work off her shoulders. But I also felt sad with a thought one day she would leave me here alone. Her room is above mine but I am so close to her presence in my room every day. We talk to each other, eat and sleep together. We are open with each other about almost everything. I value this friendship as I know not everyone can find a real one where generosity, tolerance, sympathy, respect and understanding exist…
Nov 24, 2012 10:04 AM
When I stop crying, when I sit here silently and leave loneliness to run into the deepest corners of my heart, when I don’t find someone else to lean on or cry in front of…when I accept loneliness as my fate, there is no more reason for me to reject its presence. Let it accompany me on the way to seek stability, happiness, peace and comfort. Let it join my journey, on which I know there is no one else and there is far for me to reach the destination.
I recognize I have never stopped being lonely, since the first day I landed in this place. I used to name it a “white-coloured loneliness”, as it had helped ease my soul, encouraged me to change, given me bravery to leave behind things that I saw boring and live life as I wish. Now, I am still feeling lonely but loneliness has changed its colour, wearing a cloudy grey layer like the sky’s misty skin in the early winter mornings blanketed by the thick fog in my hometown. I was scared, disoriented and exhausted, and for a few moments I accepted myself as a looser unconditionally when I stayed confined within the four walls of my room at nights, thinking about my uncertain future. I used to give myself chances to meet new people, wishing that my fear of loneliness could have disappeared so that I could have felt encouraged to continue my journey. However, today, I understood the thing I should have done was not to try to let loneliness leave my heart, but to keep it “white,” as this will help me not lose my confidence and keep me focused.
I believe that there are persons who used to be your friends and for some reason you haven’t been friends with them any longer. To me, I have a few such guys but not because they are not worthy to be my friends. The reason is I am too much of a coward to face them. There is a woman and we connected to each other through a story. Now the story has ended and I also stopped contacting her. Though she is very nice, gentle and sympathetic…we find a lot of things in common I still decided not to contact her again. I want that story with all related things closed completely. And there would not be anything to negatively affect me or remind me of that sad story at least until the day I find peace in my life. I believe that she knows that I need time, and understands why I have come and then gone away without a farewell greeting.
There is a man and we have entered an “unofficial relationship”. It is sad to say that I was hurt by his lies. However, it’s not the reason to cause the break-up or my decision on no contact with him any longer. I don’t hate him but I hate myself to have rushed into that affair. And I want to forgive myself for that mistake I made. So, though he tried to keep me as his friend, I still decided to stop. I have never told him this. He is now still thinking that I did that because I couldn’t forgive him. But the fact that I feel ashamed to let him know that I have been mistaken between the so called passion and love in the relationship with him.
070910
This love will end. It will, for sure; when love from one person given to another is not deep enough so that he wants to protect it; not strong enough so that he is happy with whom his beloved really is, not the one as he wishes; as well as not big enough so that he can sympathize with her shortcomings. When one loves the other much, one will see that person’s presence meaningful to their lives, which, if it is lost, it will be very hard to be replaced with another one, to fulfill a big empty space in the heart. When love is strong enough, one will believe that lovers will always feel close to each other no matter how far the geographical distance between them is, and they don’t easily give up the troubles that they may have, though, sometimes they both feel tired or exhausted.
Those don’t seem to exist in his love for me.
12.57am, 221110
Bao nhie nam roi con mai ra di
Di dau loanh quanh cho doi moi met
How many years still on the move
To no where makes life weary
I suddenly remember Mot coi di ve (My own lonely world) through Khanh Ly’s inspiring voice. I feel lonely as usual, like today, when I close the door and walk out in the street, I belong to nowhere, nobody and no places.
011210
Today is a winter day. There’s no sunshine. But it’s not only me to suffer the winter. Not only me to feel lonely now; not only me to feel broken-hearted when one man walks away.
I would always hurt myself if keep asking the questions that cannot be answered by myself or others. Life by nature is not easy, so why am I making it more complicated? If what I have done so far, what I am doing today is understood, it’s nice, if not, it’s fine. There is a saying that you can’t control what people think or talk about you but you will know how to make you immune from such things. Of course, sadness, even the feeling of pain is hard to avoid if you are not appropriately appreciated by persons who you adore…but that’s life. Not everyone is always treated fairly in life. And you should only hope that the unfairness you suffer from one person would be one day compensated by another.
19:25pm 250211
I will turn 27 in a couple of days. I suddenly see it as special and want to do something special. May be I will take some days off, leave the city and move to somewhere else a lone. I love to enjoy some quiet time to remember the days having passed through my life with sadness and happiness and think of what will be waiting for me in the future as well.
Alone at 27, you are willing to take risks and dare to live a life that is true to yourself.
Alone at 27, you sure have enough time to learn, explore what you don’t know.
Alone at 27, it isn't so rushed for you to necessarily get married as it will be when you are at 30. ,
Alone at 27, it’s a high time to answer the question that what would you want and how would you be when you turn 30?
…………..
In my recent writings, I haven’t called him as Anh. I see myself so independent. I don’t feel to be protected and cared by him so that I see him “big” and me “small”. Of course, I am sure that he also doesn’t feel weakness or fragility from me so that he wants or sees it necessary to care for me. No. I really don’t know how I can show him that deep in my soul, I am terribly weak and fragile. But I understand that they have never helped me live a good life or overcome all difficulties. Whenever I was at the bottom of desperation, the only thing that did not make me kneel down was strength, brave and tolerance. I had no other choice.
Jul 13, 2012 12:27 PM
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaaa
....
....what exactly makes me exhausted and demotivated? What are they? Are they troubles that I now have to face or is it my inability to speak out...or put into words...in a way true to my real emotions/mood? Or is it a feeling of loneliness or a fear that I will have to overcome all of these shitty things by myself and no one else can help? I feel that I am sunk in depression now.
I am not naturally a strong girl but life forces me to be hard and tough. I am trying and always have been trying to be strong but it seems to be beyond my own limited ability. I wish there was a man to be with me now. I don’t know how others think but to me a woman always needs a man beside her; no matter how strong she is, how independent she is, how smart she is. Even, the more she is independent in life, the more she needs a man than a normal girl (sounds conflicting but it is true). What do I expect from him? It does not necessarily need to be love, but he should care and share so that I feel encouraged and motivated. However it’s not easy to find a man whom I can or want to share with or find him right at the moment I am really in need.
I have a male friend. I think we are happy every time we meet each other. We have shared quite lots of smiles and fun stories together but I have never let him know how sad or bad I really felt. I couldn’t though I was desperate to. A few times, before the date, I thought that all I needed was for us to sit in each other’s silence. I let myself flow with my thoughts and he was there, beside me, didn't say a word. It’s enough. More than enough. Or I thought I would tell him what made me tired/sad. But we have never done that. We, especially me, talked continuously. It seemed embarrassing for both of us if we left a break in our conversation. And our stories, happy or sad, always made us laugh as we talked in an amusing and joking way. However, I honestly wish I could feel free to express my true emotions or feeling. I'd rather let him see my real tears rather than fake smiles, sometimes. Therefore, I realize that our relationship is becoming boring. It's not his fault but mine as I can't show him another part of me which is emotionally weak and fragile.
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