Blue mood
Jul 13, 2012 12:27 PMAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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....what exactly makes me exhausted and demotivated? What are they? Are they troubles that I now have to face or is it my inability to speak out...or put into words...in a way true to my real emotions/mood? Or is it a feeling of loneliness or a fear that I will have to overcome all of these shitty things by myself and no one else can help? I feel that I am sunk in depression now.
I am not naturally a strong girl but life forces me to be hard and tough. I am trying and always have been trying to be strong but it seems to be beyond my own limited ability. I wish there was a man to be with me now. I don’t know how others think but to me a woman always needs a man beside her; no matter how strong she is, how independent she is, how smart she is. Even, the more she is independent in life, the more she needs a man than a normal girl (sounds conflicting but it is true). What do I expect from him? It does not necessarily need to be love, but he should care and share so that I feel encouraged and motivated. However it’s not easy to find a man whom I can or want to share with or find him right at the moment I am really in need.
I have a male friend. I think we are happy every time we meet each other. We have shared quite lots of smiles and fun stories together but I have never let him know how sad or bad I really felt. I couldn’t though I was desperate to. A few times, before the date, I thought that all I needed was for us to sit in each other’s silence. I let myself flow with my thoughts and he was there, beside me, didn't say a word. It’s enough. More than enough. Or I thought I would tell him what made me tired/sad. But we have never done that. We, especially me, talked continuously. It seemed embarrassing for both of us if we left a break in our conversation. And our stories, happy or sad, always made us laugh as we talked in an amusing and joking way. However, I honestly wish I could feel free to express my true emotions or feeling. I'd rather let him see my real tears rather than fake smiles, sometimes. Therefore, I realize that our relationship is becoming boring. It's not his fault but mine as I can't show him another part of me which is emotionally weak and fragile.