I wrote this to my sister, whom died a year ago, on Sept. 5th. It is my way of dealing with the pain. It is in three parts....as it was too long to post in one piece....
Dear Jeni,
I can’t believe it’s been a year. I guess time passes quickly when you are trying to forget. There is so much I want to tell you but I’ve kept it hidden for a year now and am afraid if I start telling you, I will explode into furry from the anger, guilt and frustration I have had to deal with over the past year. I think I’ve kept myself pretty well together, considering, but I know I need to tell you these things, even if it means opening the scars and allowing them to bleed.
I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss your smile. I miss having a sister to call for no reason at all than just to call and say “hello”. I miss your Donald Duck voice you always did so well. I miss you and I want you back. I want a “do over”. I want mom to smile again…although I doubt she will ever really smile again. All these things I miss and want are just wishes in the wind….there will be no “do over”….not now.
As they say “life goes on”….it’s not the same life as it was before…but I try to keep myself positive. I have good days….a lot of good days. And I have bad days, when your memory sneaks up on me and hits me in the gut. Those are the days I want to cry, scream, hit….but I swallow it down and go on and put on a fake smile and digest what I have swallowed. I have a man in my life now. He makes me smile all the time and I think you would be very happy about that. He holds me when I cry and doesn’t try to tell me he understands the pain; he’s just there, to let me cry when I need to….and he’s here to keep me smiling. You would like him, I know this for a fact. He’s a Yankee…always knew I would have to import to find someone great.
So, it’s been a year. There were times I didn’t think I would make it through the day…and I’ve made it through a year…amazingly though, it seems like yesterday…the pain is still so deep.
I know you are in peace…I know your spirit is all around me…dancing through the pines. I dreamt of you, only three times…each has been the same dream. We are at the ocean and you want me to come swim with you…you dive in….but I can only watch from the shore. I know what it means….I know we will swim again; our spirits will swim endless waters….
I love you. I miss you. I love you.
Your sister, always, in life and beyond
More wishes and wants. I wish I had not been so indecisive and came to you long before I did. Maybe then, things would be different. If I had not been so selfish; so wrapped up in my own life….I could have been there for you when you needed me most….before things go so bad. I’m not saying I could have prevented the outcome, but maybe I could have given you more time….more peace…more love. This eats at me, every day. The “what ifs”; I’ll never know the answer. I’m sorry I failed you when you needed me most. I’m sorry I wasn’t there sooner. I’m sorry you had such an idiot for a husband, whom couldn’t see past his own selfishness to make you a peaceful home where you could rest and recover.
Mom and dad have a garden for you; I’m sure you’ve been there. I go sit by it every time I’m at the house and smile when the humming birds buzz my head….reminds me of you….how you were always so full of life…so amazing….so uplifting. It seems there have been more butterflies this year than I’ve ever noticed. They, as well, remind me of you. Soft, gentle, floating on air….delicate….and beautiful. One landed on my hand the other day and though I tried to release it, it would not fly away. As much I wanted to keep it, it belonged to the air….I blew on it gently and it fluttered off into the sky. I couldn’t take my eyes off it until it was out of sight. I felt you that day, very close.
Sometimes, (in my opinion) pain is neccessary and should not be masked by medication or pride. I'm speaking both physically and emotionally. For example: If you hurt your back and take enough medication, the pain will go away....thus leaving you to believe you are healed. You go about your business as usual, until the medication wears off and you realize you are still hurt and have injured yourself even more. The same theory applies to emotional pain. To mask it and push it below the surface will only allow it to fester. Eventually, the pain, or the reason for the pain, will surface, 10 times worse than before. You should deal with it...no matter how long it takes.....from the momment the pain begins. Pain is there for a reason......to remind you that you need to heal.
Observing..........taking in the good and the bad
reading and understanding.....each word has it's own meaning.
it's quiet...like the calm before the storm...or maybe the calm after the storm
I'm content....in the shadows.....no one sees me here...I'm safe....
For no apparent reason, (please don't tell me it's hormones or I'll explode) I am in an emotional mess today. I am on the verge of tears....and have actually spent the better part of my lunch hour just sitting here....trying to figure out why I am feeling like I am.
My job is becoming more stressful...that may have something to do with it. My son is getting married next week....I know that has something to do with it. Two nights in a row I have dremt of my sister, whom passed away almost a year ago....I know that has a lot to do with it. I've not had one dream about her since her death until two nights ago. And now, the dream still hangs with me. You see, I never mourned her death...not yet. I have unfinished business in that department, I know and sooner or later I have to deal with it, but I don't want to do it now. Maybe she's coming to me in my dreams, trying to foce me to deal with it. Too many issues about it all that I don't want to bring back to the surface.
So...here I sit...typing words that probably make no sense to anybody but myself. I thought it might help to look at the print and leave it here, on the page, instead of carrying it with me. It doesn't help.
It's probably just hormone....................................................
I wrote this for my sisters' funneral and preformed it at the service.
Good-by For Now
Reflections of you, in your childrens' eyes.
Your singing in the wind, and dancing through the pines.
And it's only good-bye for now
Cause no matter what we all believe we'll meet again somehow.
And your memory is everywhere.
Like in the sweetness on the face of Bethany Bear.
A million words, silently spoken
A sisters' promise, never will be broken.
And it's only good-bye for now,
Cause no matter what we all believe we'll meet again somehow.
And your spirit is everywhere.
I can close my eyes and see you standing here.
And the doors, they are revolving.
Taking us from birth to death.
And the pain and the love that swallows me,
I can hardly catch my breath.
Coffee in the pot. Sun through the shade.
I don’t have a lot….but I sure got it made.
Man by my side. A laugh in the air.
It’s a hell of a ride….taking me there.
Chorus:
I’ve seen bad times and been down rough roads
And..I’ve felt pain like everybody else.
There’s no secret….life’s no mystery…
It’s dancing to music that plays within yourself.
A warm inviting bed. Two arms that hold me tight.
And all that once was dead…now screams with life.
Chorus:
I’ve seen bad times and been down rough roads
And..I’ve felt pain like everybody else.
There’s no secret….life’s no mystery…
It’s dancing to music that plays within yourself.
Bridge:
You gotta hear the drums…..beating out the tempo.
Gotta let it move you from your soul………
Chorus:
So....now he has caught up with me....we are the same age for the next 6 months....
Everybody wish him a great birthday.....please.....
BND....I love you and I look forward to at least 45 more birthdays with you....that is, until we take that plane ride..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.....
Don't you just love that word? I do...but just don't get to use it enough.
Someone I love, very much, is going through a difficult time dealing with issues concerning a very personal subject. Because I love him so much and actually share his pain, I so want to help him through this. I agonize over this with him; when he's sad, I'm sad. It breaks my heart...I want to make it better, but the fact is, I can't. This is where the epiphany comes in. I was on break today at work, standing outside, thinking about the situation. Something he said hit me like a ton of bricks. I put myself in his shoes....if it were me in his situation...no way could anybody ever know the extent of that pain...not even the one who loves me most. I understand that now. I understand that what I feel is the helpless feeling one gets when they can't make it better for the one they love. I can only be here...support him; hold him when he's sad and listen to him when he needs to talk. I can't take the pain away. I can't make it better. It will NEVER be better until the issue is resolved. Nothing I do and nothing I say will make it better, and that...one statement...makes me sad. When you want to be everything I find out you can't be everything...it's humbling...and it's sad...but that is life.
"Don't try to feel my pain" I say, "It's too late".
He says..."you can never know my pain" I say, "your pain is living in me".
He says..."I have to deal with this alone" I say..."you are never alone again."
He says..."I'm strong enough" I say..."together we're stronger".
He thinks....he has to work it out on his own. I know his pain...I feel his pain...I live his pain...All I want is to rid him of it. He is part of me...our hearts are one...our souls are one...
Our pain is one.
I love you.
I am so ready to relax and have some fun in blogland. I am a writer....I love to write...I usually write some funny stuff...(I tend to cuss, but don't know how that goes over here, so I'll try my best to keep it within limits.
Just throwing out a shout out...I think I might have some friends here and I want to let them know I'm still kicking.
Hit me up...let's get the party started.
Ice
Icekrystal24 Blog (17)